Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

[MadyaunMylford]

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

He said that the opportunity arose and he took it or he would be made redundant.

YANBU to be upset, it's terrible timing. I think most people would be very deeply upset in the same situation.

However, the fact that your DS would be made redundant if he didn't take the relocation does put a different spin on it and in my view makes it more understandable that he would take the job. Unless he is in niche role where he could easily pick up another job, it's not an easy decision.

Given the redundancy aspect, I am struggling to say it is a shitty thing for him to do. Also agree with another poster who wondered if your quite derogatory tone re the DIL and her parenting choices reflect your upset over the situation or how you generally see her? If the latter, I wonder if your relationship with your DS and DIL is not at all close and this is why they are considering moving?

Sorry to hear about your illness OP and I am sure this is devastating for you. My thoughts have moved a lot through this thread and I can see both sides of the argument: they want a better life and job security and you want them to support you in your time of need. I am reading between the lines ( and I don’t mean to sound harsh) but I wonder if you really have a close relationship with your DS and Dil anyway? As a mum who has always worked since my DC were babies I did smart at your ‘childminder’ comments and your dig at working mummy - which are very old fashioned. Reading between the lines (again ) I wonder if your judgement about their choices have affected your relationship with them ( it sounds as though you have judged many of their decisions and told them so). Maybe this is just another judgement of something they want to do which you don’t agree with. It seems you are not that close, so in reality would they be there for you anyway? My parents would, like you, I think, have this expectation about what I ‘should’ do because they are my ‘parents’ and it’s expected of me. But to be brutal I don’t think that’s an honest attitude if a parent has not worked on the relationship and built positive relationships with their adult children. It’s sad they have made this decision, and especially under the circumstances with your health OP but I would be trying to reflect on what’s gone before and working towards making the best of this you can. Starting by developing an improved relationship with them before they move away and suggesting and engaging with anything you can to keep it going. I may have missed it but do you have a DH and can he help you all in this situation come to terms , adapt and finally accept? You have my total sympathy but with all these things there are many sides to the story and many feelings to consider. My best wishes to you.

OP, my thoughts go out to you. My brother, SIL and their children all moved to Oz and although I understand it, and know I would have done the same in their position, I hate it.

My mum especially hates traveling all that way, so instead they pay for all, or some, of the fare for them to come back here for a holiday. Is that something that's possible for you?

OP sorry you have cancer that's tough to deal with but your ds has to look after his family too - losing your job is frightening, moving to Australia is scary too and i expect if you have been snippy to your ds and dil in the past and passed judgement on their decisions on work choices, that has made their decision to leave that bit easier. I'm shocked that you immediately consider your will and how you will use money to punish your son for making the best decision for his family. I suggest that you don't make a big drama out of them leaving, getting upset is one thing but I don't think it's fair for you to ask them to stay in the UK.

Firstly, I am sorry for your situation OP, it is indeed an awfully difficult one to contemplate.
However, from a DIL's perspective, my DH moved abroad many moons ago, and until he met me, was destined to return. His mother was, and still is, desperate for him to return. And while at first, this seemed understandable, the reasons for his initial departure, soon became very apparent. She really wanted him to live the life she wanted for him, not the life he wanted for himself, and to this day, I know she is resentful. She is very financially comfortable, and openly provides financial support to his sisters who remain close by, and seems to think that financial hardship here, will drive us back to her one day. His lovely father was very supportive of his decision to stay, and sent us a lovely letter which we will always cherish, before he sadly passed away. As for the decision on staying at home to look after children or not, sometimes we DILs just can't get it right. My first MIL thought less of me for returning to work, although financially at the time, I had no choice. And my current MIL, seemed to think I was fleecing her darling son, by staying at home to look after our child and not returning to work! At the end of the day, it is their choice as a family. And if your DIL senses that discord from you, I guarantee it will not help.
Having that all that OP, I really do hope you can work this through with your son x

"I'm shocked that you immediately consider your will and how you will use money to punish your son for making the best decision for his family."

Very sad and upsetting as the situation is, I agree with this.

I am going against the grain a little here because I think it does really depend on the relationship whether he is being cruel and selfish or practical and selfish. He is definitely thinking of himself and his wife and children first but who doesn't? Perhaps he feels that he will come back to visit plenty of times if you have up to 4 years, and your other son is around to support you.

I completely understand you feel devastated and that your situation hasn't been taken into account, but it appears from your later posts that you aren't actually close, you think your son is cold and you don't like your DIL very much. For those saying their mum would always come first that's your view. It all depends on context.

I am not close with my mother, I would not really think too much about her if any opportunity presented itself (granted she isn't terminally ill and if she were i don't know how i would feel) - however my DH is very close with his mother (as am I as it goes) and we would absolutely consider her if making this sort of decision. The relationships dictate how much we consider other people in decisions we make about our own lives.

FWIW I do feel a lot of sympathy for you but I don't think this is as black and white as it originally seems.

PS - the comments about other people raising their children are completely out of order. I go to work and sometimes my son is upset when i go and leave him at Nursery or with GPs but he isn't damaged because of it. Maybe you should look at how you express your opinion!

Which grain are you going against white ? You've pretty much followed the prevailing grain...

I've read your comments OP but not the whole thread.

I emigrated 10 years ago, so I understand how your son feels. My family have had a much much better life as a result of emigrating.

But I would have struggled to go if one of my parents was terminally ill and couldn't fly. It would have been a really hard decision. I would only have done it if I could afford to visit regularly with the whole family.

I can say that my family has stayed very close to our parents, siblings and their children. We visit regularly, we chat a lot, we do facetime chats (from all sorts of places - often the car), we send presents.

My children stay in touch with their cousins via Instagram and other social media. But physically visiting makes a real difference.

I hope your family does come back and visit regularly.

Yanbu OP, I could never do this to my mum no matter how wonderful the opportunity was. The only way I'd do it is if I could take my mum with me but that would t be fair on your other son.

As for him being made redundant if he doesn't go, that is no excuse in my opinion. My dh has been made redundant twice in 4 years, there's such a thing as getting a job with another company which doesn't involve relocating to the other side of the world.

Australia will still be there in a few years but he and his children won't get back the time with you, I think the only thing you can do is point that out, it's his children that lose out as well as you.

Re your will, I'd leave his half of your estate to your GC rather than him, so you're not depriving them.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

OP, so sorry for your diagnosis and the impending departure of your son and grandchildren. I am from a country of emigrants and emigrated myself. Now my dd is thinking of moving to another country with my dgd so I understand how painful that is. But us old folk never know how much time we have left, with or without a diagnosis of cancer. And we cannot ask our children to put their lives in suspended animation until we have departed this earth. My ex-FIL had a terminal diagnosis and lived for another ten years.

Has your son told the company about your illness? I bet he hasn't.That might shift their view re: where he needs to work for them. People think of big corps as faceless money makers but in reality many companies do take this kind of thing into consideration and treat their workers with compassion.
Can he not get another job? It's what I would be doing if I was about to lose my mother that's for sure. And if his wife also works, then is redundancy such a blow?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Wed 17-Jan-18 12:04:37
in the grand scheme of things you still have it good. Previous generations didn’t have skype. I think you’re being selfish.

You win the prize for the most cruel, unfeeling post of the year and you should be ashamed.

What an utter --. Pity I can't say what I really want to say - use your imagination.

I still maintain that the fact that the son could lose his job if he doesn't relocate shouldn't be the deciding factor.
Unemployment is at it's lowest level for decades, despite all the doom mongers predictions about what would happen after the Brexit vote, so there is every chance he would be able to get another job.

To those who support the son's decision I would just like to ask.....
If YOUR mother were terminally ill with cancer and had been given 4 years at the most to live, would you still go?

It doesn't really matter what we would do though. The op's son has made this decision and it matters not a jot what strangers on the internet would do.

I'm sorry to hear about your illness OP but I do think if you let on how devastated you are then you are being selfish. I say this as someone who feels completely tied to my hometown, like I will never be able to move away and have a better quality of life elsewhere as I know it would devastate my Mum if I took the grandchildren away. That causes a bit of resentment and feeling trapped.
Please don't let your ds feel that burden, and also be resentful of the childless sibling who is able to do whatever she likes

Very sorry your son, DIL and GC are moving far away and that you are unwell. In your shoes I would be honest about my deep sadness and fear of not seeing them again, given the circumstances, but wish them well. I wouldn’t pretend I was OK with it.

YABVU and sexist with your views on childcare. It isn’t a “generational” thing at all!

Duckling, your DM was honest about her feelings, perhaps OTT, but you had and are responsible for your choices.

I live far from my parents (not overseas though) and know this makes them sad, but I didn’t change the decision and see them when I can.

If YOUR mother were terminally ill with cancer and had been given 4 years at the most to live, would you still go? Yes!

"If YOUR mother were terminally ill with cancer and had been given 4 years at the most to live, would you still go?"

My mother couldn't care less whether I was dead or alive, let alone where I live, so yes.

Oh, OP.

I have every sympathy for your ill health and the heartache being apart from your GC will be.. But they must do what is right for them as a family.

Your comments about DIL and your will have signalled to me that the relationship does not sounds a particuarly close one. The barbed tone of your disapproval of DIL working is exceptionally harsh.

Yanbu op, I would feel the same if it were my GC

Without being unkind, 'terminal' can mean months, even years in some cases. People can live long lives these days with palliative care.
I sense there is more to this mother-son relationship than meets the eye and some of your comments have confirmed this. If he is really threatened with redundancy he must put his immediate family's future first and do what he feels best. And any threats of altering wills if you don't agree with his decision say more about you than him.
Having said that I do have sympathy for your situation. It must be hard all round.