Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

[MadyaunMylford]

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

I don't want to be crass op but what is your le?

I know someone who didn't take a job due to mother's terminal cancer and 5 years later she's still with us. They could have come back every 6 months for a good visit and probably spent just as much quality time.

Ok, have just seen about the redundancy. That does change things a bit. But still not ideal.

If you love someone you let them go. I do wonder where Son learnt to be like he is....

Whilst I understand your frustrations you can't dictate how others live life based on your limitations. If you have money (will suggests there is something) just pay for the kids to visit. Nanny can come too. Some women just aren't cut out to be full time Mums and if you can afford help - why not.

The fact that the son would be made redundant changes NOTHING

I assume you are happy to pay the families of the terminally ill compensatory salaries to stay?

The OP is entitled to feel gutted at the move - I was gutted at the thought of DC moving abroad for work but it was the best thing for them and family.

DC cannot live their lives for us, we can only make the best of the time/contact we do have and (in this case) use the flybacks which allow them to return regularly.

The alternative is bitterness, broken relationships and losing the time left.

I really feel for you. I don’t have such a health prognosis but seeing my GC is one of the things that brings me absolute joy and when I’m down a reason to carry on. I don’t see them that often but they are in the country. All you can do is tell your DS how devastated you feel . I just don’t know what else there is to say that could possibly make this feel ok because I don’t think there are words. Anyone who makes nasty comments just doesn’t understand just how much it’s possible to love grandchildren and the pain not being able to see them can bring.

I feel for you, but is the move going to be good for your son?. I understand you'll miss them but be proud that you've given him the strength to do this. Try to see how hard it must be for them too, I very much feel that they must have soul searched before deciding to leave a terminally mother. My son is talking about the possibility of moving to Australia with his wife and son,OK I don't have a terminal condition but I do have ones that would make the flight difficult, but I wouldn't want to stop them from going either. You must be in a total quandary about this.

My sympathy has evaporated as I’ve read the rest of your posts OP. Your comments about giving the DC to others to raise are disgusting. And then when called out on it you continue to blame your DIL. What about your son? Did they also not understand why daddy had to leave for work every day? Or is it just the woman at fault? Internalised misogyny is still misogyny.

Oh and you drip feed that your son would have been made redundant if he didn’t take the job. At first you said it was because they were in search of a mythical better life.

You don’t sound like you like them. I’m sorry but if any of this attitude comes across in real life it might give an indication of why they are willing to move away from you. Certainly if you were my MIL I’d be thinking twice about contact if your disapproval of our parenting was so obvious.

You’re now going to disinherit them? Hmmm.

I couldn't leave my Mum if she was terminally ill but it sounds as though your relationship with your son is not that close. YANBU re your grandkids but it sounds as though the decision has been made. I think you need to let them go. They may be excited and think you need to pretend to be excited for them x

It is difficult when people have diagnoses where they may go on to live many years but will ultimately not survive their disease, it is very stressful for the person not being able to see the future, but also makes family relationships complex- it might be reasonable to expect a family to drop everything and not move if the person has a few months to live, but with secondary cancer now, people can (luckily) go on living for many years, even with a terminal diagnosis.

So- I think this is a slightly different proposition than this being obviously the last time you will see them.

I also think that the son is just trying to do the best by the family, and having dad have a good job where they want to live, is actually a pretty good decision, even though some will be hurt by it. It's not possible always to make decisions where everyone is happy, and I can't imagine having difficulties getting a job/unemployment here (which I have known several people go through recently in the UK) is going to enhance general family life for him and his family.

The remarks about the children crying when mum goes to work are just a red herring, but make me think that the relationship not being close is a two way thing. OP, I work full time and I am a really good mum. 80% of mums work in the UK in some capacity, part time or otherwise. If you are quite so obviously judgemental about them both working, which is usually required these days to pay mortgages and rent (lucky you if this wasn't the case) then it may have undermined their relationship with you. That's a huge shame whether they are in the country or not.

The photo video books is a great idea. I think I will just have to focus on that side of things so it is less painful.
The childcare argument is obviously a generational thing. but some of the comments have given me food for thought and made me think i was a bit too harsh at times. Of course he is making the decision to make a better future for the GCs and no one can really fault him that. Also times are hard and you have to go where the jobs are.
My sons have chatted about the decision but again nothing can change his mind.
Sorry to hear of others in similar situations x. Skype will help and knowing that they are going to be somewhere with better opportunities than here also will help cushion the blow.

Op, I think you might get more sympathy, and possible helpful suggestions if you post on Gransnet.

There will be others there in a similar situation, with grown up offspring emigrating, and and you should get a bit more understanding of your criticism of your career minded dil too!

Yes he is their father

I think OP that it might benefit you to remember that you raised the man - presumably to be an independent, capable and successful person that cares for his children and wife. Can you find it in yourself to be proud of his and his wife's successes?

I laughed at the first reply you got on this thread as for me it was a reminder that life with children is one long goodbye and that actually you can still have some fun with this - indulge yourself. It must be very hard but you need to be careful not to slip into blackmail (the will!!!! no.) or martyrdom. Even worse comments about your DIL...suddenly I'm not so surprised they would consider moving away... might be time for some self reflection and then some energy to make the best of it.

Your update about your daughter in law isn't kind. Lots of mother work, sometimes they have to sometimes they want to, and nannies and childminders are perfectly acceptable. You haven't suggested your son not work and stay at home.

Your further update puts a further spin on the events. If you'd been given a few months to live I'd suggest they could stay until such time, but 1 to 4 years, although short and very sad, they can't put their lives on hold.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if they don't go he is out of work. The job market is not good. Post brexit it's likely to be worse.

Sadly I'd have to do the same in his position, they will be back for visits.

I feel sorry for you & couldn’t do it to my mother or father however it does also depend on relationships & circumstances. For example, one of my friends is relocating to Edinburgh, largely due to new jobs, bigger house & her DHs family are there so can provide some support with DCs. Her mother is devastated, she is a widow but in good health. They are family friends so I hear how upset she is a lot & how she doesn’t understand why. She lives in a 2m house which she could in theory downsize from to give to help them stay plus I think she’s perhaps looked after DCs 5 times over the last 3 years. Obviously she’s under no obligation to do either but I think it’s then a bit strange to not understand why they will have a better life up there.

I would be beyond devastated OP, and utterly heartbroken by your son's actions. It seems very cold and unfeeling. My only thing to hold on to would be that I think the dream of Australia is one thing, but the reality is something different and I would say a fair percentage of people end up coming home again. I would let him know how very heartbroken you are, and you feel sad and hurt to be effectively cut out of your grandchildrens lives but that you understand their need to do so. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this .

So your son's choice was either to turn down the relocation or be unemployed. This changes the scenario completely. AUBU? With this new information, probably yes. But you are still allowed to feel sad as you have a good relationship with the GC and will miss them. If your son decided to stay, and now unemployed, would you take over his financial commitments? My son left his job in India to move back to the UK when his dad had terminal cancer. Four years later, (his dad passed away after two years) while he is employed, he has been unable to find a comparable job to the one he left.

From some comments here, my son's decision and my comments it does seem like we all need to do a bit of soul searching. It is good to hear the different perspectives and I have much to think about.

With the family flying back a few times a year it could make things seems less dire :)

No one has the perfect relationship with their DCs or ILs and I am sure a lot of people have thought about emigrating at one time or another.
While it is a devastating personal blow and yes I am selfish too wanting to see my GCs as often as possible but I realize I also must be selfless and let them go with a smile on the outside.

While I acknowledge that this is a difficult situation for all concerned, I don't agree with those saying the son "HAD to go" to Australia otherwise he would be made redundant.

I had a good job in Australia but when my mother was diagnosed with cancer I flew home the same night. Six weeks later we learned that her cancer was terminal and she was given three months to live.

I rang my boss in Australia and asked for 6 months' unpaid leave and he said the company could not allow that so I quit on the spot. I have never regretted it. I got a precious few months with my mother and for me that mattered more than any job.

It was scary walking away from everything but I had faith that everything would turn out okay. I was very lucky and quickly found an even better job in the UK that allowed me to spend a lot of time with my mother. From what a PP has said, one would think there were no jobs whatsoever in the UK.

Granted, I was single with no children so I was in a different position, but the OP's DIL is working - it's not as if they are a no-income household. If the Australian company is willing to be so accommodating and generous the son must be very good at what he does and if that is the case, even if made redundant, he would not be out of work for long.

Also I realise that my mother's situation was different to that of the OP in that she had only a few months left.

I also agree it is not an ideal situation, but your son and his wife have to make the decision for them and their family and will possibly end up resenting you for trying to blackmail them into staying. The same with the will, why would them moving make you change your will??
There is obviously some much deeper issues here that you need to address, I would try and be positive and keep the relationship going to encourage them to come back more, you might end up having the opposite effect and they will stay away.

Regardless of all the childcare stuff, my Mum is more important to me than a job. She has cancer and I would never leave.

I would rearrange my will too. Not to be spiteful, but simply because your other son will be responsible for more care I presume.

The childcare argument is obviously a generational thing

No it really isn't, its a mindset. I suspect I'm similar age to you as are many others here with DGC.

you should get a bit more understanding of your criticism of your career minded dil too!

Yes curse those evil DiLs who presume to maintain some sort of career or simply need to put bread on the table instead of running their lives according to MiL dictats. If only children had two parents so one could share the load I'm normally sympathetic to the MiL but I'd run a mile from those attitudes.

Make the best of the flybacks, photos and video calls - it will preserve and grow the relationship and increase the likelihood that they might come back in better times. Even if they don't come back it is the decent thing to do.

It's easy to say what people think they would do in this situation when it isn't then having to make the choice.

Ultimately the son has his own family and responsibilities and has clearly had to make a difficult decision.

I don't agree with changing a will because of it. I cared for my mum more than my sister did, I didn't expect anything more than her for it.

have you got any other children apart from your son

...He/ his family might be thinking if they dont do it now while they have the opertunity it might never happen . He will be worried about you as well with your health conditions. but maybe sees the bigger picture better job prospects & lifestyle

.id try be happy for them you can keep in contact by phone / computer these days .