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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

195 replies

MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 11:28

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

OP posts:
UnicornRainbowColours · 17/01/2018 12:15

*way

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 17/01/2018 12:16

"in the grand scheme of things you still have it good"

Shame on you priscilla

stopbeingadramallama · 17/01/2018 12:16

"but in the grand scheme of things you still have it good"

And that is what you call a cunt.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2018 12:17

'Whoever said this to a terminally ill woman whose son is emigrating to Australia is a complete and utter twat.'

Someone else told her she of all people should understand that life is short and another that re-unions are great fun.

ohhereweareagain · 17/01/2018 12:17

So sorry op Flowers. Yanbu. I would be very vocal about my feelings immediately. Btw there are a few cunt posters on here. So pleased they aren't closely related to me Smile

theEagleIsLost · 17/01/2018 12:18

I'd be extremely upset.

I'd also point out getting out there isn't going to be possible for you.

That can be tricky as people can be upset when you refuse to go along with the polite fiction.

I had a University friend who got very upset I refused to pretend visiting her in her home country was possible - money and time meant it just wasn't. I think it was a way of avoiding do a proper goodbye.

Same time I've gone along with family fictions and seen other family members do it - despite it being clear they could never happen for obvious reasons and the fall out and blame can get nasty and people start to believe the plans were possible.

I don’t think I’d actually ask them to stay – but would be upfront it was goodbye and be secretly devastated if they still went.

DearMrDilkington · 17/01/2018 12:18

I understand why your upset op, I would be too. Have you got many other family members/close friends around you?

Dipitydoda · 17/01/2018 12:19

OP - I don't blame you for being devastated, Its one thing, as you rightly point out to be supportive if you're in good health,many years of visits ahead, fun reunions, cheap long holidays to the sun etc, however, I believe your diagnosis changes that. you will need support over this time, you might need your son there to help make difficult decisions etc. I'm a big believer in letting children live their lives, but an even bigger believer in compassion, esp towards very close family. realistically, how much time do you think you have and weigh this up over how often they will visit. I actually think its very selfish of your son to be gong at this time. Sometimes we have to pass up opportunities for the ones we love. I hope you have some lovely children and grandkids staying to support you.

RandomDreams · 17/01/2018 12:19

There are some proper idiots in this thread.

There is no way I'd ever leave my mum if god forbid she had a terminal illness, the OP's son is making a huge mistake.

WalkingEverywhere · 17/01/2018 12:19

He is determined to go so no amount of pleading or explaining how I feel will change his mind I think.

If this is the case I'd probably not bother to try and change his mind. It will just be upsetting for you and might cause extra conflict. I'd just wish him well and be quietly sad.

OhCalamity · 17/01/2018 12:20

TBH he wasn't really very supportive when I was first diagnosed and has always put his career first and not visited very often.

It sounds selfish, but it also appears to be his form. I expect he's given no thought to the pleasure being a grandmother has been for both you and your grandchildren and how that will be missed when he leaves.

Do you have a decent relationship with your DIL?

KateGrey · 17/01/2018 12:20

OP I’m so sorry. And I really feel for you. My dad has cancer and my idiot husband mentioned to my mum we might move two hours away (schools for my two kids with autism) but my mum was so upset but understood but I wouldn’t leave my parents. Especially as my dad is ill. I’m all for living life but I’d be devastated if my child chose to leave the UK knowing I wouldn’t see them again as I was going to pass away. I’m sorry.

Fanta4 · 17/01/2018 12:20

MadyaunMylford that is indeed devastating news for you and you have every right to feel upset and abandoned.
Moving to Australia is obviously a great opportunity for your son and his nuclear family and I am sure you can empathise with that but you are paying the price.

TBH I am really quite shocked by some of the comments on this thread. Don't take them to heart.

Saysomethingnice · 17/01/2018 12:21

What's going on on this thread report the comment! Bizarre.

dazedandconfused2016 · 17/01/2018 12:21

I am shocked too to hear of your son's decision given your situation, OP, and I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I think it's entirely understandable that you are devastated - I would be, too.

Neither do I agree with sucking it up and wishing them well - these are your grandchildren. I agree with ExpatinScotland that you should be honest about your feelings. Maybe your son has jumped at this opportunity without giving it thorough consideration and if he realises how upset you are it might make him stop and think.

Thinking of you OP Flowers Flowers

InsomniacAnonymous · 17/01/2018 12:21

I would be completely devastated. I'm so sorry OP.

I can't believe the number of callous and flippant replies on this thread. It's truly shocking.

Original poster
MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 12:21

Much love to those wishing schadenfreude :) There will always be those few. To those supportive comments thanks so much.

OP posts:
Lobelia123 · 17/01/2018 12:22

Its an emotional and hard situation to be in, but its something that i think you have no choice but to accept anf be gracious about....or risk a permanent breech or at the very least, a cooling off of relations. Even with your son and his family emigrating, you can still have a wonderful and close relationship with everyone and share in the experience, even if it is long distance. Perhaps I have a more practical viewpoint as I am in south Africa - hundreds of thousands of families have emigrated and left aging family members behind and yes, its extremely tough, but also something you have to accept as the decision is not yours to make. For whatever reason your son and his family have decided to do this, its probably not soemthing theyve decided on lightly or ona whim. It may also not be something they can dictate the timing of. That tired old saying is as true for this as it is for everything else: You cant control what others do, you can only control your response to it....so you will have to have some introspection and decide how to deal with this uspetting and hard news. You cant emotionally blackmail them into staying. And would you really want to? Consider the fallout from which ever way you decide to approach it, because just as their decision has caused a reaction in you, so your response will provoke a reaction in them. I hope you can find common ground and embrace the changes on both sides

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2018 12:22

Some of my siblings live abroad, although not as far as OZ and we do miss each other but you get used to it and re-unions are great fun

That is you and your siblings. Did you not think before you posted that this might not apply to a dying woman who cant fly? Hmm

theEagleIsLost · 17/01/2018 12:23

He is determined to go so no amount of pleading or explaining how I feel will change his mind I think.

That why I don't think I'd ask my children to stay - I'd want them to want to stay.

It does sound utterly shit OP. Flowers

DarthNigel · 17/01/2018 12:24

It's often the case in families I've worked eh where the parent is ill, that one child is the one visiting and helping, and the others just don't put the effort in. Heartbreaking for the parents and also the kid that is putting all the time in-not least because when the less caring sibling does show up they are welcomed like the prodigal son...
I'm not surprised you are upset but when someone is that way inclined they are wired to think of self first, everyone else a very distant second. Nothing you can do will change that.
So I would say good luck to the emigrating son but of course that you are very sad and will miss him and the kids.Keep channels of communication open. And then focus on your relationship with your supportive child-Give as much as you are able back there-because that's who you can really count on, and there is a lot of room for joy in that relationship if you don't let sadness re his brothers move cloud it.
I don't mean that to sound harsh at all-but now is the time to realise and recognise those you can count on.
Thanks for you op-it's a very tough situation.

illustrious · 17/01/2018 12:25

Your son sounds like an absolutely self absorbed person, leaving his brother and you alone to cope with this while he chases a 'better' life.

Can your other son talk to him? Tell him how much it means for you to have your grandchildren close at this stage of your life and with your terminal illness? When my DM was terminally ill we had our family rally round and I don't know how I would have coped with out my siblings. AND I wouldn't have swapped anything for the precious time we had together.
What about his DP, is she totally onboard with this? Does she think it's right to move so far from a parent with little/no prospect of contact? Or is she showing some kind of conscious?
I'm not sure how he can live with himself doing this, surely it can be postponed without really affecting their lives in the long run.
My family are very independent of each other usually but when someone needs something we adapt...

MothQuandary · 17/01/2018 12:26

I’m so sorry, OP. Frankly, it is a shitty thing for your DS to do.

I’m sure you are right that no amount of pleading will change his mind. If his mum having terminal cancer hasn’t made a difference, then nothing else will. You will just have to try to make your peace with it - a pointless thing to say, I know, but there is nothing else that can be done. If possible, try to get him to commit to a date when he will bring the family back to visit you before too long (I.e. while you are still alive).

For now, just focus on yourself and trying to make the most of whatever time you have left. Do some nice stuff with your other DS. Flowers Wine

Original poster
MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 12:28

My son and DIL are like two peas in a pod and she is a difficult person to feel warmth from. Both are fairly selfish tbf so this decision is a shock but not a surprise in that sense.
They are both career minded and have already given the GCs to others to raise ie. nanny, childminder etc. The DIL said she would be a stay at home mum, then when the darling GCs arrived and the reality hit she soon went back to work. The GCs enjoy spending time with us and seem to thrive and I feel they were just starting to get the benefits of having GPs around.
i do have a good support network of friends and family but fairly small.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 17/01/2018 12:28

Have you spoken to him?
Does he have all the facts? How long have you been given?
Has he been offered a relocation that he has to take up now? Or could he delay it?
I feel very sorry for you OP. Having little grandchildren around at this terrible time for you would give you some pleasure. I think you really need to spell this out to him and that out to him.