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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

292 replies

Muffette · 16/01/2018 22:35

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

OP posts:
lookingforthecorkscrew · 17/01/2018 08:55

I thought early Alzheimer’s too, I have to be honest. When my grandma first started slipping the only people to notice were my parents, they spent a very uncomfortable weekend with her and as they went to leave she asked them to drop her off in town. Later she rang round all my DF’s brothers and sisters telling them that my parents had ‘screamed’ at her and ‘abandoned’ her in the street. My uncles and aunts believed her and took her side, cue huge family rift.

Two years passed, my mum died in that time, and my aunt rings up my Dad: ‘We had a weird thing happen in M&S with Mum today, she got the the till and completely forgot what to do - she looked at her debit card like it was a piece of fish’

Dad had to bite his tongue HARD in that conversation. He’d already noticed my grandmas anger, anxiety and paranoia had increased dramatically in that time.

Eight years later. My grandma is in a home and doesn’t recognise any of her family.

ifcatscouldtalk · 17/01/2018 08:58

By the sounds of him I'd never accept a favour off him again.
You'd had the car for a very short amount of time.
I say this as someone currently without a car and missing a car. I don't take favours off people that make me feel like shit for it.

OnTheRise · 17/01/2018 08:59

Thank you all, I have felt so bad since this happened. Yes MsV my mum is still married to him. And backs him up. Actually it was she who passed on the message that we (my husband and I) had better not speak to him because he is so livid with us. She won't ring me now until he is out of the house. When he does speak to me he usually does so with fury and through gritted teeth.

Your father is a nightmare, and your mother is enabling him.

They are both treating you very badly.

If he's so obsessive about his cars then he must have known it was low on oil before he lent it to you. And remember, he insisted that you borrowed the car. He then did the whole tow-truck performance. It's all so he has something to blame you for. It's control. And it's abuse.

You're better off without him in your life, you really are.

TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 09:03

Loving the highway code quotes!! Those are from the good old Austin Alegro days

Funny that it’s still considered valid in the 2015 iteration, when apparently cars don’t go wrong and nobody can be held accountable for their car being poorly maintained.

You get to know your own vehicle - on my old bike I'd check the oil every few days because it used to get through it, on this one I don't bother as it doesn't use any at all between services. If I noticed the exhaust smoke change colour or start smelling, then I'd check...

Harder to see/smell exhaust smoke in a car. Not impossible, but still requires a driver to use more than just the one brain cell.........

diddl · 17/01/2018 09:07

" I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again."

This stood out to me.

Why would he turn on you?

You made a genuine mistake-no harm was done?

I ran out of petrol in my parent's car (pre mobile phone days), fortunately near a phone box.

A friend drove my dad to me with some petrol in a can.

Dad was annoyed & I got an eye roll, but mostly he was glad that I had managed to pull off the road safely & contact him.

Short of a heinous crime, there is nothing that I or my sibling could do that would make either of our parents turn on us.

It's not normal!

StrictlyPannnn · 17/01/2018 09:09

The fact that he puts the well-being of his cars above the relationship between him and his daughter is seriously fucked up.

Fazackerley.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/01/2018 09:10

To those saying having a car serviced at every 10k is OTT I thought that was what you were supposed to do? My service interval is 10K or 1 year, whichever is sooner, and I do it for the warranty. Are you saying that once it's out of warranty I don't need it serviced as often?

I do around 6K miles a year.

mustbemad17 · 17/01/2018 09:14

Not my dad, but my now ex...very into his cars, checked them regularly, washed them weekly, constantly checking for scuffs etc. Lent me his car as mine was dying (another oil burner with additional complaints) & in the third week i filled his diesel car up with petrol. Then drove it 😬 Completely killed it, it needed a lot of work & money chucking at it. I was in absolute bits. My ex? Gave me the biggest cuddle, told me I was a twit & that was the end of it.

For not checking the oil? Yeah your dad is going waaaay OTT & tbh sounds like he was just after an excuse. Your mother is, imo, no better because she is pandering to him!!

SandyDenny · 17/01/2018 09:17

I'm glad to see you're realising that your Dad's reaction is absolutely and totally not within the normal range for a relatively minor incident.

Is his gararge trying to rip him off, no one would come in a tow truck for low oil and no reputable garage would tell him the car was damaged.

TittyG - service intervals aren't manufacturers requirements, they might be best practice but most modern cars will be fine if you have to go a bit beyond them or can't afford to have it done so often.

Unless you do very little mileage it must cost you a fortune in servicing and if you do few miles you don't need to check everything weekly, sounds like a lot of work

wizzywig · 17/01/2018 09:18

Oh dear. I dont know how to check oil & tyre pressure. Ive been driving for 20yrs

whiskyowl · 17/01/2018 09:19

Jesus, your Dad is seriously controlling over his cars. I think this is a ridiculous thing to be so upset about.

TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 09:19

TittyG - service intervals aren't manufacturers requirements,

They are if you wish to maintain the warranty.

differentnameforthis · 17/01/2018 09:20

His behaviour was vile to me while lovely to everyone else and i was positive that he must be slipping. erm no, this isn't a mental health condition. This is nastiness. If he was ill, his temper would be even across everyone, not aimed at you.

Have you been sent the invoice for the tow truck yet?

TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 09:21

-Oh dear. I dont know how to check oil & tyre pressure. Ive been driving for 20yrs

It’s not too late to learn. Wink

StrictlyPannnn · 17/01/2018 09:21

I wouldn't believe any of this OP.

Toyotas are pretty bullet proof. And one 3 years old? It does not empty of oil. Your dad is lying. He is also lying about the towing required.
He is just being thoroughly unpleasant to you, for his own reasons.

I rarely check oil levels in decades of driving mostly 'older' cars. Never had a bad experience. Currently on an 18 yo Toyota, serviced in August, never looked at the oil level. No need.

whiskyowl · 17/01/2018 09:21

And seriously - if the car gets really low on oil, a warning light comes on to tell you. It's not the spanner light, it's shaped like an oil can. This has been the case on every car I have driven. So it can't have been that low, surely, if there was no oil light? And when the light comes on, you just drive to a garage, get some oil, and shove it in. It's no harder than filling up a steam claner. You do NOT need to get a tow truck. Is is an idiot?

OnTheRise · 17/01/2018 09:25

Toyotas are pretty bullet proof. And one 3 years old? It does not empty of oil. Your dad is lying. He is also lying about the towing required.
He is just being thoroughly unpleasant to you, for his own reasons.

This.

We have a Toyota. We've had it from new, it's about nine years old now and it has never leaked oil or needed a top-up between services. Toyotas are notoriously reliable.

Your father's a manipulative bully, OP.

alreadytaken · 17/01/2018 09:30

If a mumsnet thread resulted in fewer breakdowns on UK roads and less hold ups when driving the world would be a happier - and safer - place. Cars should be serviced regularly and for some cars, especially older cars, that's 10k of travel or a year.

Perhaps there should be charges for those whose badly maintained vehicles cause avoidable delays for everyone else. There can already be charges when poorly maintained vehicles cause accidents.

OP none of us know whether your father has been a good father or not. At the moment he's behaving badly and you mentioned some past form but was he always like this? If not it may well be the start of Alzheimers or some other illness affecting him badly.

Butteredparsn1ps · 17/01/2018 09:30

Agree the problem isn't with the Toyota.

But a PP asked if the car was warm, ie just turned off, when the dipstick was done. If it was - you would expect the level to be lower than when the engine has been off for 10 minutes or so.

My guess is that the engine oil wasn't low at all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2018 09:41

After 5 weeks, if it was low on oil. that's entirely his fault, not yours. Unless you actually hit something under the car that caused all the oil to leak out, then HE should have bloody well checked it before he lent it to you, so HIS fault entirely that it's low now.

He sounds like a total twat. I wouldn't be in any hurry to apologise for anything, mostly because you have nothing to actually apologise for!

frieda909 · 17/01/2018 09:46

You saying that you’re angry with yourself for being ‘thick’ made me so sad Sad I’m glad to see that you’re starting to realise the problem isn’t you!

Your dad sounds a lot like my arsehole of a grandfather. My mum is in her 50s and he’s treated her very similarly to this for most of her life. He developed a stutter later in life and he takes great pleasure in telling my mum that it’s ’because of all the stress you put me through’. She has done absolutely fuck all wrong. He has taken absolutely no interest in her life or in us grandchildren (couldn’t even be bothered coming to my brother’s wedding as he had a better office) and basically just spends all his time swanning around on expensive cruises having a jolly time. But according to him his life has been awful and it’s all my mum’s fault because she’s a terrible daughter Hmm

TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 09:47

And seriously - if the car gets really low on oil, a warning light comes on to tell you.

Dangerous assumption. Dashboard bulbs and electrical systems aren’t infallible.

limitedperiodonly · 17/01/2018 09:48

If a mumsnet thread resulted in fewer breakdowns on UK roads and less hold ups when driving the world would be a happier - and safer - place

Amen. I always hope for world peace as a result of a MN thread.

frieda909 · 17/01/2018 09:49

‘couldn’t even be bothered coming to my brother’s wedding as he had a better offer’, that should say!

DeadGood · 17/01/2018 09:53

So sorry OP. Your dad sounds awful. Your mother almost as bad.

Please please don’t apologise. Argh this thread has made me so cross!