Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

[Muffette]

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

almost destroyed a car

Er, no. You didn't.
Cars used to break down regularly back in the good old days. Nowadays they are reliable.
It sounds like your DF hasn't realised this - try goading informing him that he hasn't moved with the times and, as a consequence, he is letting his garage rip him off. That will wound his male pride!

If he gave the car to you in peak condition (ie with full oil) there is no way it should be nearly empty! I only get my oil changed once a year when I get it serviced!!! I do check it occasionally in between but it is always full anyway! - I have a Toyota.

He has more money than sense!
A freaking tow truck!! Bet his garage love him he must be their best customer.
I would have asked him why he was unable to open the hood and put oil in his own car? Is he too important to do it or something?

I hope you have the strength to distance yourself from your horrible manipulative bully of a dad. He has anger management issues.

Like other pps am also interested in whether he will send you the bill from the garage.

He sounds vile. My sil is vile. She has goaded my brother to treat me worse and worse. Not that he needed much goading. She contrived slights where there were none to be had. I finally took a step back to see a psychopath playing with me, her prey.

Would you ever cross your father? And are you constantly afraid of his reaction? Try to take a step back. Have a look at his demeanour. Is he enjoying making your life hell? My sil definitely did.

Did he pay privately for a tow? My Dad was an AA mechanic for years and he'd have just chucked a pint or two of oil in and let the driver get on with it. I imagine that any roadside assistant people would do the same for a non-breakdown.

But I don't think it's about the car; it's about how he wants to talk to you. Just an excuse. You can;t change him, but you can change your reactions. You don;t have to argue (though you can if you want to) but don't take what he says to heart. If he's blaming you for something you need to step back and consider if it's proportionate. Or ask others for perspective, as you have done here.

It's horrible when a parent bullies a child, but it's not uncommon. Do you have siblings? Is it always you rather than them? Are you a scapegoat; the one they take everything out on?

I'm married to a scapegoat child. It's taken him years to stop taking the blame for everything to heart.

I wouldn't expect a three year old car to need the oil topping up between services if it's serviced every 10 000 miles.

I base this on 20 years of being a company car driver so always driving a car that is 3 years old or less and being serviced every 10 000 miles. In the past I have checked the oil maybe every month or so, but having never needed topping up, I've more or less stopped bothering. I might check it when I need to fill the screen wash bottles, so maybe once or twice during winter.

Your dad is a loon. A car that age shouldn't burn or leak oil. If it burnt oil you'd get clouds of black smoke and if it leaked oil there would be oil all over wherever you parked it. If neither of these apply, it obviously came to you without oil, which is your Dad's fault.

I think he is probably lying. A 3 year old Toyota shouldn't run to of oil that quickly, and if there was something wrong with it that it did, someone who is so careful of their cars would have had it looked at. Also, a car that is that modern, would almost certainly tell you if the oil is getting low. Secondly, if he really did discover the oil was very low, what he would have done is get in another car and go and buy some from a local garage and put it in the car. No-one gets a car towed for being low in oil (unless they are overly dramatic and have money to burn).

So really, I think your father just made this whole scene with the aim of upsetting you. If this is something he does regularly, you might want to have a rethink of your relationship with him and how you want to continue with it.

And I’ve never checked my oil in over 25 years of driving. The garage check it for me at the mot.

It’s certainly not checked as part of an MOT. One assumes you have it serviced at the same time?

Toyotas are pretty bullet proof. And one 3 years old? It does not empty of oil.

Certainly a 3 year old Toyota could be using a little oil.

if the car gets really low on oil, a warning light comes on to tell you. It's not the spanner light, it's shaped like an oil can. This has been the case on every car I have driven. So it can't have been that low, surely, if there was no oil light? And when the light comes on, you just drive to a garage, get some oil, and shove it in.

So many levels of wrong there I don’t know where to start. The oil light is an oil pressure light not an oil level light. If that comes on it’s pretty much too late, you certainly don’t drive it to a garage! Many modern cars do have an oil level warning system but that will usually be in the form of a message. If you see a red light in the shape of an oil can switch the engine straight off and call recovery, it’ll probably be toast but you might get away with it.

Almost destroyed a car?
I thought you were going to post that you crashed it, or put the wrong fuel in!

I agree with pps who say that oil should be checked regularly, but it shouldn't run out in 5 weeks.

So if the oil was low at the end of 5 weeks, I would assume that either there is something wrong with the car or that it was low when your dad lent it to you.

You didn't let the oil run out, so no damage done to the car.
It didn't need towing.
A more normal response from your dad would be to remind you to check the oil on cars, and ask you to top the oil up. Maybe be mildly annoyed about it for an hour or so, then let it drop.

Your dad is being an melodramatic arsehole, and it sounds like he set you up to fail; lending you a car with low oil to "test" if you would check it while you had it. Then kicking off when you "failed". This fits in with your update that he was moody with you the last time you visited but not with anyone else - its like he wanted an excuse to be furious with you.

You're not thick, and this incident says far more about him than it does about you.

Ignore him, and don't waste energy trying to appease him. Don't let your mum guilt trip you over it either - if she wants to enable his shitty behaviour that's her call but you don't have to put up with it.

A kind and loving parent lending a car to a child (even a 40 year old child) would (unless a time critical emergency) first check tyre pressures, oil, windscreen wash, and make sure there was enough fuel for them to at least get it to their house without needing to top up.

I agree with pps who say that oil should be checked regularly, but it shouldn't run out in 5 weeks

OP doesn’t say how many miles she covered in that 5 weeks but Toyota seem to suggest that 1 litre/1200 miles is acceptable. Max-min on most dipsticks is approx 1 litre so it is certainly possible that it could have dropped from max to below min in the 5 weeks she had the car.

Well maybe Mumsnet won't achieve world peace but it has helped regain peace in the Muffette household! Baby steps.

He won't charge me for the tow truck. He's very generous with money. Posting stuff here has helped me realise how unreasonable his responses are (as well as the importance of checking my oil). I have two siblings, one gets the same treatment as me but he doesn't give our father as many excuses to write him off. The other walks on water in my parents eyes. I get on well with both but we all live far from each other so don't see each other much to compare notes.

Here's another one: naturally my father does not make mistakes but a few years ago he wrote off a car after falling asleep at the wheel. It was his 85 year old sisters fault. My parents will "never forgive her". She wasn't even in the car, she "caused" the accident by asking him to go and visit their dying brother who was in a hospice 3 hours drive away. He fell asleep on the way home.

QED I think!

Inspired by this thread, I have just been out and checked my car oil.

It was his 85 year old sisters fault. My parents will "never forgive her". She wasn't even in the car, she "caused" the accident by asking him to go and visit their dying brother who was in a hospice 3 hours drive away. Ah - a man who finds it difficult to take responsibility for things. I think you've identified the root cause of the problem!

I suppose it is also worth considering, if he has an 85 YO sister, he is likely to be quite elderly himself, could dementia be setting in and he have forgotten to put oil in, also the irrational response in calling a tow truck to solve the problem?

I check my oil, tyres, wipers, lights and coolant every 2-3 weeks (I have a slow coolant leak otherwise that wouldn't be so frequent). It's just part of owning a car! Why would you not?

(Don't forget that in a car you only have approximately 4 x handprint sized patches of rubber holding you on the road, so those handprints need to be reliable!)

But OP your dad is a game playing petty idiot, sorry.

I never check the oil. If a car is quite new and is serviced then there should be no need. A different story from 40 years ago when I was driving clapped out Minis.

All this 'never speak to your parents again' bullshit makes me feel a bit sad.

Why did you need it for five weeks?

Why does the reason she needed it matter?

Genuine question, how does that have any relevance?

If he's that worried about car maintenance I am surprised he doesn't check the oil every week himself.

(I tend to do this, but then I owned a VW-group TDI about 15 years ago which needed its oil topping up very regularly, and old habits etc.)

As everyone else has said, OP, life's too short for this sort of petty shit. You've done nothing wrong.

He's a muppet. Just top the oil up

Almost destroyed a car is a tad dramatic for needing an oil top up

Both you and your Dad sound like drama queens

As others have said you did not nearly destroy the car. It was low (not out of oil). He could easily have just filled it up. Job done. Total over-reaction on his part.

Seems to me he’s looking for an excuse to blame you for something, and your mum is enabling his frankly dreadful pattern of treating you. OP this is not healthy on their part and I think it must get very upsetting for you. You’ve done nothing wrong.