Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

[Muffette]

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

Lyingwitchinthewardrobe - I don’t think it’s that simple. Controlling parents use all sorts of emotions to control their children, including ideas of an unbreakable bond and unconditional love, that make it very hard to go NC.
My heart goes out to you OP

Is this post for real? Like seriously? I mean....I thought maybe you left the handbrake on and it rolled down a hill, or you were on your phone!
Your dad sounds like he needs some serious therapy

Lovelittlethings, Well no, you can open any number of posts here and read advice to 'go no contact' - and posters post that they are 'no contact' so these unbreakable bonds that you speak of are not always there.

I didn't say that it was easy but OP is an adult - with children of her own - and sooner or later she will need to stop relying on her father for things. He's not a good dad, nobody would argue that, but what sort of a child would just keep using them for things that they can and should provide for themselves - and keep their self-respect instead of complaining at the awful things a parent does whilst standing there with their hand out.

I don't read the OP through a prism of entitlement because when your parent is horrendous you protect yourself - and your own children from that - not this.

There are a lot of people on here that think the oil light will save them - it won't!

Half of the time the oil light comes on to tell you why your engine has just seized rather than warning you it's about to happen. Don't rely on it!! Get to know your car & you'll know how often to check it or if you even have to....

lying - I have the same relationship with my father (NC for 26 years!) but it sounds to me as if the OP is only now waking up to how her father is.

It sounds to me as if she has put up with it for years, yet now, is beginning to question it. This episode with the car, has opened her eyes, and she is putting 2 and 2 together.

I'd be very surprised if she accepted any further 'generous favours' from him now - at least, I hope she wouldn't. I hope she can begin to see that she doesn't need a 'favour' like this - they tend to have long shadows.

I have never checked the oil in any car I've owned :/ is this a thing?

Pasta Neither have I. I have mine serviced every year and it gets checked then.

Mn pride in not doing or caring about anything technical. The pretty little head syndrome.

Fine as long as someone has the money to pick up the pieces.

specialsubject I'd actually say I've found the opposite on MN. Failure to be anything but tip top on anything 'adult' is generally deeply frowned upon, be that cooking, exercise etc.

The big thing I've taken from this thread is CHECK YOUR BLOODY OIL.

I checked my oil yesterday before setting off on a long journey. I will be doing that regularly now.

My children don't see this side to my father. He is not really keen on kids. We only meet two or three times a year. I would love to extricate myself completely from them. And I should. They are very well off and yes, generous with it. And fair. What they give to me they give to each of my siblings. They have trust funds set up for my children. They give me things (like the car) saying, it's not for you it's for the children. So that they'll be safe or whatever (money for grinds which they otherwise would not be doing). I feel that if i say no to these things (I never ever ask for anything) it'll be my children who lose out. Would that matter? Maybe not but when I think: i would do anything to benefit my children, I have to realise that includes being civil to my parents.
I can see from 11 pages of reactions here that his behaviour is not reasonable and I am justified in keeping them at arms length. My husband wrote a lovely letter to them apologising and taking responsibility for not checking (I am just as much, if not more as I drive more, to blame but he wanted to write this). They would have got the letter a couple of days ago. They did not respond. He is lovely to them, always listens to them and thanks them for their advice, makes a fuss of them when they visit and had booked some time off work to go and spend a few days with them next month to do some heavier maintenance around their house.

Well, it's been an eye opener of an experience. Not just for the oil checks.
Btw, apart from squirter water, what else should I be checking in my car?

Cars run on petrol and oil and water. Oil and water should be checked regularly at least once a month and before any long journey. If you wait for the oil light to come on, the engine could already be damaged.
Also check your air in tyres at least monthly.
Basic car housekeeping!

I know that you need to check your oil egularly becaus emy husband told me - he's a professional driver.... and because we both drive both cars he does it for both of us.
What else do you need to check?

That all your lights / indicators are working (and make sure you have the right spares)
the tread on your tyres
possiby your wiper blades, although you should notice if they need changing

Btw, apart from squirter water, what else should I be checking in my car?

The list of things you ought to check, include but are not limited to:

Oil (duh!)
Coolant (level changes depending on how hot/cold the engine is, don't top up unless it goes below the minimum when cold).
Brake fluid (level will slowly drop over time as brake pads wear, only top up if it goes below the minimum and if it does, get it checked).
Power steering fluid (some cars have electric power steering with no fluid)
Clutch fluid (depends on the clutch system, some cars have no fluid, some are sealed for life and cannot be checked)

Tyre pressures.

All cars are different though. If possible, read the manual. It will tell you where all the fluids are, and how to check them. Some makes/models will insist on checking the level when cold, some when warm, etc, and will advise what type of fluid to use. One size does not fit all.

My Volvo XC60 shows tyre pressure is low on the dashboard. I blow up the tyres and then have to recalibrate the system. Annoying but good.

A 3 year old Toyota and he goes into a strop about a warning light coming on. Isn't that what they are meant to do to alert you to take action about something, which you did by returning the car. The man is mad or has too much money that he wastes it on a tow truck. Is the garage he used a couple of hundred miles away that he could take it there, or even bother to top the oil up himself. If he doesn't speak to you he is totally unreasonable YANBU

Muffette, there's being civil and there's essentially prostituting your feelings which is what you're doing. That is a horrid example to set your children and don't think for a minute that they won't be cognisant of the toxic undercurrents.

Your children's trust funds are already in place so don't use that as an excuse please. You must have spoken to your parents about the car or are you saying that your father - who doesn't seem to like you - or your children much much - randomly gave it to you to use? You're being disingenuous now and although ptumbi has faith in you that you will have woken up and will stop accepting things from a parent you clearly loath, it's quite evident that you'll carry on and use the excuse 'for the children'. That's pathetic of you. Stand on your own two feet and let your children see that. Your father may even develop a grudging respect for you if you did.

But if you keep taking and taking then you're no better than he is.

... and I don't know why posters are banging on and on about the car, this really isn't about the car or the oil. It's about the clear lack of respect and love - on both sides.

As pp said-just top up the oil surely? What's he mad about? Your dad is being unreasonable
Lovely use of the word 'jalopy' by the way...

The oil light only comes on when you have already ran out of oil and it is basically already doing damage to the car. Ideally it should be roped up before.
BUT... surely he could have just gone to tesco and got some oil and topped it up

Wow. Your husband is as much of a doormat as you are. Sorry.

Does your DH have abusive parents too? His reaction in writing this apologetic letter, taking the blame for absolutely nothing blameworthy, is very indicative! And as for him taking time off work to go and do jobs round their house, probably for free, well that's all fine and dandy if they're nice to him too, and if they thank him and treat him with respect - but it sounds to me like they just expect it and they might not even be polite to him after this car fiasco!

If they're so well off, why can't they pay someone to do the job, or pay your DH something for doing it? Cheapskates.

I agree with Witches. I'm surprised about your DH writing that letter, to say the least!

Yes your dad did go ott but on another point is he getting angrier a lot lately?
Maybe he needs to see the Doctor for a little check up?

Oil light shows a loss of oil pressure, not a lack of oil. If an oil light comes on you need to stop immediately and call the AA / your garage. Definitely don't keep driving.

Only top end cars have electronic checks of oil level - the vast majority of cars need you to check manually using the dipstick. This needs to be done monthly or every 1,000 miles, whichever comes first.

A car can burn 1 litre of oil every 1,000 miles and be considered to be working effectively by most manufacturers.

I learned all of the above the hard way when I ran out of oil, oil light went on, I kept driving and then paid £5k for a new engine.

If you had the car since before Christmas (ie November / December 2016)and have been using it for trips round town (rather than thousands of miles by motorway), then either he gave you the car with low oil or his car has a pre-existing problem. Either way he is being a bell end.