Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

[Muffette]

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

This thread isn't really about oil < states the bloody obvious.

So apart from the light coming on on a serviced a well cared for car, what actual damage did you do? Has the engine seized? Is the car a right off or in need of any major repairs? If the answer is no, then your dad is over reacting.

Frigging hell, can we stop talking about the frigging oil?

OP - I am beginning to think lying is right, and you are 'taking' from your father. It's all very well to say your children don't notice the undercurrents, but they probably are. They probably notice when granddad doesn't talk to mum for months. When dad goes to prostrate himself at their feet in apology. His PIL! What were his parents like? What is his motivation for doing their DIY? Does he not see what they are like to you? Or are they NOT like that to him?

Please take a few steps back - and don't accept anything else from them. If they want to treat the kids, make sure it doesn't come with strings!

As lying says, you are an adult, and can and should make your own decisions and look after yourself and your family without interference/help-with-a-big-stick-attached.

your dh is enabling this behaviour-why is he writing letter aplogising you didnt do anything

and stop telling them things like my cars off the road then they cant give u something thrn throw it back in your face start pulling away from them slowly and you'll have an easier life

This thread isn't really about oil < states the bloody obvious.

Exactly bastardkitty but people do so love to witter on about their saintly motoring habits on any thread that mentions cars when it's not actually about cars.

OP - families have this kind of shit. I wouldn't be so quick to demonise someone as an evil enabler and cut them from my life like a tumour as some people have advised.

In families, people often want to keep the peace. That doesn't make them bad but that doesn't mean you should go along with it.

I think it's best not to take any favours off your dad in future. It might be difficult at first because you might be used to relying on him but I really think it would be good to wean yourself off him.

Unintentionally hilarious. He obviously over reacted... a tow truck!! Lol

Your DF sounds unhinged Muff.

I have a 2 year old Toyota, I've never put oil in it, it gets changed at my annual service.

My DF has a very driving intensive job, so he checks his oil every 2 weeks.

Did your DF check the oil before he loaned it to you? What's not to say it was already low?

It sounds like he is very controlling and looks for reasons not to speak to you to keep you in line. The fact your DM will only call when he's out if the house suggests he treats her the same way. Very abusive and toxic.

I should add that I do check my oil though, probably not as often as I should, but it just never needs topping up!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand - we're back to talking about the frigging oil

fucksake

Bloody hell! I didn’t check the antifreeze in my car when I was a student and the head gasket blew, cost several hundred pounds to fix. Will never forget ringing my dad in tears beside myself because I didn’t have the money. He stepped in and sorted it. He’s dead now and our relationship was difficult in other ways but if/when I needed him he was there. I think your dad is being extremely harsh op and I think you should speak your mind and say how you feel. Jesus it’s only an oil light!

Give up, ptumbi, leave the OP to her doormat behaviour.

I'm starting to think that some/most of the posters on this thread are as thick as sump oil themselves, and I don't need a dipstick for that...

Good on your dh. I know it might be prostituting himself going a little further than many of us on here would, but he's keeping things civil. Does it cost him? Well, only he can say. Has it diminished him to do it? Not really. It's a small thing to keep things happy.

lying

Jux - has it diminished him? Actually, in my eyes, it would. Someone who apologises for something they haven't done, who prostrates himself (or herself) to 'keep the peace' does not have the courage of their own convictions. Anyone who 'keeps the peace' will find that 'peace' comes at a huge cost - of their own self-esteem, their own desires, their own needs. All this gets swept away to keep the othe person happy. IMHO, the other person is very very hard to 'keep happy', to appease, to please. Because the other person actually has not respect for a prostrating person. (just someone to use to soothe their own persona).

The OPs dad has form for throwing a tantrum over stupid, tiny things. I bet all the bending-over-backwards, the prostrating, the appeasing - only makes him feel more powerful. Not happy. Not peaceful. Just looking for something else he can throw at Op and her DH, to make himself feel big. (Definition of a bully.)

Well Muffette, I can't remember the last time I was so disappointed by a thread.

I came on expecting to read about how you'd wrapped your father's car around a tree doing 200mph on a quiet country road whilst watching Netflix on your mobile and simultaneously quaffing champagne from the bottle.

Your father sounds like an unpleasant control freak. But I suppose you must already know that.

I wouldn't be borrowing anything from him ever again. His impossibly high standards simply set you up to fail.

ptumbi, I do know where you're coming from and would normally agree with you. But this time, they live very far from each other, 14 months since op last stayed with them and they see each other maybe 3 times a year. Quite how much power over op's life and the lives of her family members does he have? Very little from the sound of it.

If the saw each other weekly, and he was in her business all the time, was best mates with her boss, and had real power over her, then I'd be absolutely with you.

It's just that sometimes what you get from being oart of a larger family is enough to put up with a bit of nonsense. Her dad has a paddy, op has just realised that he is massively unreasonabke and it is not her. Now she can decide for herself whether contiuing the relationship is worth the bother, or whether she'd prefer nc. It may be that just knowing that his paddies are the equivalent of a toddler's tantrum with less reason is enough to make it no problem. She and her dh can play DadTantrum Poket whenever they have contact

Dad Tantrum Bingo is what I meant....

"Exactly bastardkitty but people do so love to witter on about their saintly motoring habits on any thread that mentions cars when it's not actually about cars."

This made me laugh. So true!