Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowed and almost destroyed a car

292 replies

Muffette · 16/01/2018 22:35

Before Christmas I was having car trouble and needed to get some work done on my car. My father generously loaned me one of his cars. He is generous like that and I was extremely grateful. He told me several times that the car needed a service at 30k miles and he would take it back from me then. He is very careful with everything and gets his cars serviced every 10k miles. I felt very secure driving his car knowing that it was so well cared for it was unlikely to break down (unlike my own jalopy).

As the car reached 30k the service light came on (a spanner light), I told him and we arranged to swap cars a week or so later. l didn't do much mileage in that time and so handed his car back with thank you's and so on. When he got home he dipped the engine to check the oil and discovered that it was nearly empty, he called the garage and they came with a tow truck to collect the car and bring it to their garage. He is beyond livid with me and will not speak to me. Now I know I should stick more rigorously to "neither a borrower nor a lender be" but I was in a pickle and he insisted at the time.

The thing is, should a car which is serviced every 10k run out of oil? (assuming the oil is changed at every service) and secondly, am I really thick not to have dipped the oil myself? Honestly, it never occurred to me. I checked the manual to make sure the light was an automated one and not something more sinister. At no time did the oil light come on. I am really upset at being so thick but at the same time my father is often very angry with me (i am in my 40's btw, not 19) and I really didn't need this excuse for him to turn on me again. However, I feel that his reaction to me is extreme, AIBU? (would you have thought to check the oil?)

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 16/01/2018 23:45

If anyone should be going NC it isnt him.

How about you get angry? What would happen if you said that you are sick of the way he treats and speaks to you and told him not to bother getting in touch ever again if he cant stop being so vile?

How come he ends up speaking to you again after a "punishment"?

Jux · 17/01/2018 00:10

This is how he controls you. He's helpful and then he's ott angry; it's a classi pattern.

As you live so far from him, you could be angry back, as Pyongyang suggests. That would be a normal reaction to this sort of behaviour.

WeeM · 17/01/2018 00:22

From your title I thought you’d written it off! If your dad is so concerned about the oil levels he should’ve checked it and topped it up before he gave you it or told you it would need checked! Sadly it just sounds like he was looking for a reason to yell at you Sad

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 17/01/2018 00:32

Your dad sounds horrid Sad I know categorically if my dad lent me his car and it ran out of oil in 5 weeks HE would feel bad for not having checked it before giving it to me. Even if I totalled his car, his only concern would be for me. And for the record if my DH treated one of our dds like your dad has treated you I'd be kicking his add majorly.

Sorry OP, but it really isn't you, it's him Flowers

BMW6 · 17/01/2018 00:47

How come your dad hadn't checked the oil before he lent it to you?

pisacake · 17/01/2018 01:05

um.

if it's low on oil, you unscrew the oil cap and add more.

obviously.

pisacake · 17/01/2018 01:05

I mean him.

Rather than calling a bloody tow truck.

WombOfOnesOwn · 17/01/2018 01:36

Your dad's Toyota is burning oil after 30k miles? I'd be considering it a lemon, Toyotas don't do anything of the sort typically for 100k+ miles, especially if regularly serviced. Those engines are workhorses.

I wonder if your father is trying to stick you with a repair bill he knows is coming up, and thinks you're a big enough mug to pay it.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 17/01/2018 01:43

If he is so fastidious, why didn’t he check the oil before lending it to you? Not very careful! Almost sounds like he set you up to fail.

Unless he doesn’t know how to of course, hence having to call a tow truck to take it to a garage to top up the oil - muppet!

RandomUsernameHere · 17/01/2018 01:51

I have literally never topped up the oil in a car in my life and I've been driving/owned a car for 14 years!

KickAssAngel · 17/01/2018 02:31

Did you see the dip stick? He could just be making this up. If the car is low on oil you should get the oil symbol light up, not the spanner.

Sometimes those spanner lights come up because they detect that one of the warning systems isn't functioning properly (e.g. that the light for the oil may not come on if it were needed) but it's really unlikely that it came on because of the oil being low unless the oil light came on as well. It could be a loose wire or anything. If he genuinely thought the only problem was with the oil, he should have just topped it up. If he thought it was something serious, I bet he knew that the light was faulty and coming on anyway.

Your dad's being an abusive areshole, and your mother is enabling him. Stay hundreds of miles away.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2018 02:39

OP you do know he's awful to you, right? Like, really terrible. Because I'm worried you don't know that.

I used to work with cars and order roadside assistance and tow trucks. Any and all of the mechanics I used would have said the following, "you're fucking joking, right? What a nobber." Verbatim.

Original poster
Muffette · 17/01/2018 07:50

Thank you MrsT that is beginning to dawn on me but you know, when it's your parents it can be hard to judge. Reading everyones responses is giving me the confidence to not accept his accusations and angry treatment. Not that i can do much about it but knowing that HIBU rather than me helps.

OP posts:
reddington · 17/01/2018 08:01

If there was oil still on the dipstick chances are it will be completely fine. If you never saw the oil pressure light then it won’t have been starved of oil. Many manufacturers will consider oil consumption of up to 1 litre/1000miles acceptable. Personally, I change oil at 5-6k miles and use oil which exceeds the manufacturer’s spec.

mickeysminnie · 17/01/2018 08:07

If your father can check the oil level he can most definitley pour some oil into the car. Towing is very OTT.
I wonder if the oil is just ab excuse to rage at you? From what yiu say he sounds like a oerson who likes to expend his rage on someine to make himself feel better.

ATeardropExplodes · 17/01/2018 08:20

Your father is a fucking mentalist. Nearly destroyed a car versus low oil? He can fuck off. Towing for low oil? He can fuck off some more.

sucks2bu · 17/01/2018 08:21

Bloody hell I should probably check my oil then Shock

PiffleandWiffle · 17/01/2018 08:22

Loving the highway code quotes!! Those are from the good old Austin Alegro days when cars left slicks behind at traffic lights, modern cars are a bit more reliable on the whole!

You get to know your own vehicle - on my old bike I'd check the oil every few days because it used to get through it, on this one I don't bother as it doesn't use any at all between services. If I noticed the exhaust smoke change colour or start smelling, then I'd check...

I check the rad fluid if & when I remember & at the start of summer. Tyre pressures every 3-4 weeks - again, because I know it doesn't lose air & if I get a puncture the handling changes so I know.

In the end, you should know your own vehicle & check it accordingly - your dad should have told you it was a drinker when he handed it over to you!

kaytee87 · 17/01/2018 08:32

It sounds like he was just using this as an excuse to fall out with you. Like not speaking to you because you didn't answer the phone one evening?
I know it's hard as he's your father but him constantly doing this to you will not be having a good affect on your self esteem. I'd consider cutting him off.
Is he like this to your brother or only you?

EggsonHeads · 17/01/2018 08:35

He sounds like a bit of a shit parent. There was no harm done. Even if there was damage it wasn't your fault if there was no oil light. Even if it was your fault surely your relationship is more important to him than a car?

c3pu · 17/01/2018 08:41

Either he leant you a car that he knew used oil and would need topping up, and didn't choose to tell you?

Or, leant you the car and hadn't bothered to check the oil himself for quite some and had let it get low.

It's not unusual for some cars to need topping up fairly regularly, VW TSI petrol engines have a reputation for needing oil as often as they need petrol. It's bad form not to check the fluids and pressures, especially on a car that you don't know particularly well.

But your dad's reaction of calling a tow truck instead of just topping it up is a massive overreaction.

limitedperiodonly · 17/01/2018 08:44

OP Your dad is a dick. I'd continue keeping your distance. I feel sorry for your mum. I'd stay in touch with her.

PS Is it a Mumsnet rule that any thread mentioning cars but which is not actually about them, gets sidetracked by smug bores discussing the Highway Code ?

chickenfanette · 17/01/2018 08:47

My exH is/was just like this about his cars, he is abusive and controlling hence being an ex. The massive overreaction, the huffing, making everything into a huge catastrophe- can point to abusive behaviour. As PPs have pointed out, this is not a normal reaction x

Flashinggreen · 17/01/2018 08:51

Your Dad is a loon

WeirdCatLady · 17/01/2018 08:53

Jeez, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

OP, I’d take advantage of him not speaking to you by getting used to not having his negativity in your life. It’s hard to accept that your DP are twats but sometimes it has to be done (trust me, I know).

And I’ve never checked my oil in over 25 years of driving. The garage check it for me at the mot.

Swipe left for the next trending thread