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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this isn't 'just what kids do?'

192 replies

justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 21:16

My five year old DSD has developed a habit of telling lies. Lies told in the past week include:

  • I get angry at her if she eats meat (I'm a vegetarian)
  • Her dad told her that her mums cat had fleas and he is going to get rid of her cat
  • That her teacher forced her to eat something she didn't want to

When she lies she is punished by removal of one of her dolls (her most cherished possessions) from her collection for 1 week, if she lies during that week another is taken and both held for another week. She also loses a star on her star chart which means she earns no pocket money for that day.

These punishments are always accompanied by age appropriate conversations of why it's wrong to lie, how it means we can't trust her, how it can get other people in trouble and cause serious issues. She never has an answer for why she lies. The cat/fleas one being particularly pointless, not sure what she's getting out of it.

Tonight I found out she has been telling her mum that her dad smacks/hits her. I know this is not 100% not true.

We don't know how to deal with it. It's been going on for about two months and nothing we do seems to have any input. DD's mum doesn't appear to think it's an issue and when I brought it up with her said it's 'just what kids do.'

The lies always seem to be about something DH or I are meant to have done or said and are told to mum. On two occasions they have been about teachers. As far as I recall there have been no lies she has told to us about things mum has done/said.

AIBU to think this isn't the norm? I'm at a loss as to how to get her to stop lying and more importantly work out why shes doing it.

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 16/01/2018 23:03

I think it’s normal for kids to make up daft stories and tell little porkies of course. But bit wired saying her dad hit her! Does she mind coming to stay with you? Are there other things making her anxious? A relatives 6yo told his teacher that his dad hits him because he didn’t want to go to his dads and was happy to admit he’d made the whole thing up when questioned because he’s not close to him at all. Not suggesting this is her motive but it might be worth considering if she has anxieties about spending time between parents?

Koala72 · 16/01/2018 23:04

And I'm sorry but the doll-removal system and stars, etc ... sounds like prison. I have two kids, and never had to resort to anything like that. I just think that kind of thing alienates kids more and makes them feel even more alone than she clearly already does. TBH I can't even believe that it's to difficult to understand what her problem is. It's quite obvious if you just sympathise with her and think about her little feelings for a few moments. : I

Rumpledfaceskin · 16/01/2018 23:05

Also I think these kind of punishments for a 5 year old seem a bit cruel. Sorry.

Hebenon · 16/01/2018 23:06

Koala, what lovely posts. You are quite right.

Rumpledfaceskin · 16/01/2018 23:06

Ok just read she’s lying to mum about you and her dad. I think it’s kind of obvious what the issue might be.

mamahanji · 16/01/2018 23:06

My 3 year old told preschool on her second day that 'I was being bad so daddy kicked me'. What actually happened was she was clinging onto his leg and bumped her chin on his knee.

She also told them that nanny locker her in the garage when she was being cheeky.

She told them that mummy eats tablets for breakfast lunch and dinner. (To be fair I had an injury and was on a lot of painkillers)

She tells me that her keyworker makes her eat her lunch in the bin and then rips up all her drawings. Which I know isn't true because she gets sent home with 15 million a day 😒

Kids lie. We have tried to make a think of there being a difference between a porkie and a lie. A porkie is 'I had worms for breakfast' a lie is 'mummy shut my fingers in the door because I wouldn't eat my dinner'
She picked it up pretty quickly.

OldBook · 16/01/2018 23:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phalenopsisgirl · 16/01/2018 23:12

I’m also thinking this has a lot to do with wanting mum’s attention

cathycake · 16/01/2018 23:18

Op I can see your point as the examples you mentioned are more accusations or allegations

The normal fibs kids tell would be
"I got a 100 billion toys"
" my cat actually talks"
"My dads car is the fastest in the whole world"
Etc etc

You get the gist- it's normal fantasy stuff. Doesn't hurt anyone but I totally get these fibs can be dangerous

can you imagine her telling her teacher about hitting etc and the lies she tells becoming more detailed as she gets older

I'd take the nature of the lies serious but in general fibs are ok
I'd have a chat to your oh and he can chat to his ex just to point out that the lies are a wee bit accusing to not do anything

I'm putting me in your shoes and I would be mortified if I had a lie told about smacking me etc

BrokenPogoStick · 16/01/2018 23:19

Yes children lie. Ds (3) told DH that a man comes to the house and gives mommy chocolate when daddies out. Don’t know where he got it from, DH and I laughed to eachother and told him not to tell fibs. That’s the last we heard from it.

I think in this case she either wants attention from her Mum. Could she possibly want to live with her mum and is telling these lies so her mum will make her live with her?.

zzzzz · 16/01/2018 23:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slippersandacuppa · 16/01/2018 23:26

I can't think of a single sentence that would get my attention more than if one of my children told me someone was hurting them. Particularly if it was someone I had even a slightly strained relationship with. Read up on child development and any child psychology or play therapy book - it's fascinating. It does sound like attention-seeking to me. We were advised to replace 'seeking' with 'needing'. I understand your concern about these words getting someone into trouble but IMO, punishing her will not help. Getting to the root of why she's doing it, will. Bear in mind that at that age, she may well not have a clue what she's after, much less be able to verbalise it.

DrawingLife · 16/01/2018 23:27

Umptieth person to say it's normal. I was a tall tale teller myself at that age, yet still couldn't help being taken aback when people in DD's school started asking me about my pregnancy or whether her real mum had died.
A year on and she's all outrage at a school friend who "lies, mum. She lies ALL THE TIME!" Karma's a bitch Grin

Rumpledfaceskin · 16/01/2018 23:28

But I’ve just thought about this for a min. So she tells mum lies, mum reports back to you and her dad, you and her dad act out cruel punishment potentially days after said lie has been told. Can this post be for real? What a bizarre and horrid way to deal with a 5 yo. Since this is aibu yes you are. She may not even remember what she said by the time you’re confiscating her most treasured possessions. I can’t bare the thought of my dd having her special toy removed as punishment.It’s their comfort and sometimes their whole world in times of stress and uncertainty. Reading this post has made me really sad. And to other posters it’s a bit much to lay the blame on not having attention from mum when no one else has any idea how her mum parents and how much attention she receives and what sort of relationship they have!

Graphista · 16/01/2018 23:29

"The lying about cruelty though upsets me." Understandably - to us as adults - but she's just "being 5" and dealing with her situation the way a 5 year old does.

Also - you're not actually witnessing the lies - so it's JUST as possible it's the adult lying.

OldBook · 16/01/2018 23:31

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lifeandtheuniverse · 16/01/2018 23:34

I am stunned at the abject cruelty being inflicted on a 5 yr old.

MY DCs at 5 told their teachers that I did drugs ( tablets prescribed by dr)
That i forced them to eat rotten food - yes the milk had gone off when I put it on their shredded wheat!
That I tied them to the chair.

They also told me that their SM made them sit on the step whilst her children had tea - they were right.
that they were not allowed to change th TV channel or use the household computer bought by their Dad because it belonged to the house and not them - sadly true.

Some lies are just unbelievable and hidden amongst them are the gems of truth for step children.

brizzledrizzle · 16/01/2018 23:35

At five mine told his teacher that he went to bed hungry because mummy was mean and wouldn't let him eat dinner. I was asked about it and explained that I'd told him that we had whatever it was for (I forget now) dinner but that he decided not to eat it because I wouldn't go to the shop and buy him a chocolate cake for his dinner. He sat and watched his dinner go cold and watched us enjoy ours and then stomped off in a sulk.

Ennirem · 16/01/2018 23:41

How is your DP's and your relationship with her mother and how long have they been separated/you been in the picture?

I ask because of the kind of lies she's telling (predominantly badmouthing you and your DH , presumably to her mother).

As s child of divorce, I was very aware my parents didn't like each other/mum didn't like my stepmum, and in s very immature baby way I'd sometimes exaggerate or outright lie to one about the other if I thought it was what they wanted to hear (I was very insecure). As an e.g., when my mum got engaged to my stepdad I told her my dad had been really upset and got drunk the night we told him - this was bullshit, I was just saying that because all little kids from broken homes fundamentally want their parents to get back together and it was what I wanted to be true. I'd slag my stepmum off to my mum all the time as I wanted to please her (even though my stepmum, while no angel, was great to me and my sister growing up).

Worth considering this angle perhaps? Is she generally happy and well adjusted or has she struggled with her family situatimn?

DriggleDraggle · 16/01/2018 23:43

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differentnameforthis · 16/01/2018 23:45

Also - you're not actually witnessing the lies - so it's JUST as possible it's the adult lying.

I wondered about this too

Which is why it would be good to know the circumstances around dd living with dad/stepmum

Original poster
justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 23:46

I am stunned at the abject cruelty being inflicted on a 5 yr old
Taking a doll away = abject cruelty. Bit of a leap . . .

OP posts:
nousername123 · 16/01/2018 23:49

I agree completely with your form of punishment. I can't stand shouting at children etc as all it does is teach them it's ok to shout.
I completely agree with taking their toys away if they're naughty and for them to have "quiet time" and explain it's because they've been naughty. However, a week is a bit extreme. I would say "no playing for the rest of the day" tomorrow is a new day and fresh start.
I don't think it's a thing children just do by the way. I never lied as a child, even at 5 I knew it was wrong. My brother never lied. My sister (middle child) was a compulsive liar and made stuff up which was completely irrelevant. I look back and laugh now but at the time it was quite distressing for the family.
She told her school friends and their parents when she was about 7 that my mum was pregnant (she wasnt) she told her school friends when she was about 11 that she had a wooden leg, they were all convinced! I really don't know what she could gain from that. Then the worst was when she was 14 she told teachers that her we stopped her eating for the weekend because she was naughty. (This was obviously not true! If anything, my mum is a feeder) 14 seems like a grown up age but she's quite immature and childlike. I think it's attention seeking, she's lacking attention from somewhere x

Oswin · 16/01/2018 23:52

So what's the living arrangements. Is dsd settled. Is she struggling with the situation.

Original poster
justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 23:54

Mum and I have a good relationship. We do things together with DD/with DD and her sibling. DH and mum have a poor relationship tbh. Not sure how obvious this is to DD.

I know mum isn't making it up as the lies are always revealed organically, such was the case tonight, and it's just obvious from DD's demeanour that she has said these things. She always admits she has lied. Mum has said she thinks she is trying to 'play off' both houses as previous posters have mentioned. I will ask her how she reacts to DD's lies.

OP posts: