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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this isn't 'just what kids do?'

192 replies

justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 21:16

My five year old DSD has developed a habit of telling lies. Lies told in the past week include:

I get angry at her if she eats meat (I'm a vegetarian)
Her dad told her that her mums cat had fleas and he is going to get rid of her cat
That her teacher forced her to eat something she didn't want to

When she lies she is punished by removal of one of her dolls (her most cherished possessions) from her collection for 1 week, if she lies during that week another is taken and both held for another week. She also loses a star on her star chart which means she earns no pocket money for that day.

These punishments are always accompanied by age appropriate conversations of why it's wrong to lie, how it means we can't trust her, how it can get other people in trouble and cause serious issues. She never has an answer for why she lies. The cat/fleas one being particularly pointless, not sure what she's getting out of it.

Tonight I found out she has been telling her mum that her dad smacks/hits her. I know this is not 100% not true.

We don't know how to deal with it. It's been going on for about two months and nothing we do seems to have any input. DD's mum doesn't appear to think it's an issue and when I brought it up with her said it's 'just what kids do.'

The lies always seem to be about something DH or I are meant to have done or said and are told to mum. On two occasions they have been about teachers. As far as I recall there have been no lies she has told to us about things mum has done/said.

AIBU to think this isn't the norm? I'm at a loss as to how to get her to stop lying and more importantly work out why shes doing it.

OP posts:

Crumbs1 · 16/01/2018 21:33

I’d not ignore it but I wouldn’t get into a cycle of punishment either. Five year olds do tell lies about all sorts of things and I think it’s just their way of starting to make sense of a complex world. I’d just tell her each time that it wasn’t true and it’s better to tell the truth so that people believe her and trust her. She’s a bit young for empathy but might understand if you ask her to think how she’d feel if you told her teacher something about her that was a lie.

ILoveDolly · 16/01/2018 21:33

At 6 my daughter told her teacher our house had burnt down, and she told me that her class had been to the swimming pool in the nude (?!), also that another girls mother had died. All worrying and pointless. She is now a rather painfully honest tween. If you are concerned about what she is saying at school perhaps a little chat with her teacher?

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 16/01/2018 21:33

When she says her dad hits her, you can say "aw now you know that's not true, daddy loves you and he would never hurt you" or something to that effect and then distract her with something else. She's 5, not 15.

OnTheRise · 16/01/2018 21:34

I know it's upsetting when children tell awful lies. But the ones you've listed aren't that extreme, and your punishment does sound far too much.

Just correct her very gently when she says these things. Say something like, "That's not true, though, is it?" and then carry on as if nothing was said. Be calm and steady. Don't keep on with the punishments because you're not going to resolve anything like that. And you're likely to make things worse, as she'll get more and more anxious and unhappy.

Original poster

justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 21:36

Right okay punishments too harsh.
But this is very upsetting and worrying. What if she tells her teacher her dad hits her. I am worrying as to where this is going to lead if she carries on.

OP posts:

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 16/01/2018 21:36

I think making up stuff to get adults into trouble isn't " usual " kid behaviour.
But she's 5, she probably doesn't even understand how serious it is to tell such a "lie" and definitely wouldn't know the ramifications?

DancingOnRainbows · 16/01/2018 21:37

I would liken taking her dolls to taking a main comfort toy if they're her most cherished possessions. You're taking them for far too long too. This is not cool op and not working either.

Small irrelevant lies can be ignored. Large lies need a discussion about why they might be so serious, a five year old will not understand the full consequences.

Wakeuptortoise · 16/01/2018 21:38

It is a completely normal cognitive development and actually quite important in that she is learning how to tell truth from fiction and using imagination . My ds 3.9you has just started making stuff up. Would you tell a fiction writer off for not writing a truthful account?

Your punishments seem out and rather harsh. Stop taking her toys away. I imagine she needs her favorite doll to reassure her when away from mum. It's not really your place to punish.
I don't believe in punishments because they don't work, more like natural consequences. So, when lying about daddy hitting I would perhaps remind her that daddy could get into a lot of trouble and she may not be able to visit daddy anymore.

Original poster

justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 21:39

We keep having conversations about how people could get in trouble with the lies she tells but it doesn't seem to make a difference. The lies seem to always be told to mum. DH and I rarely find her lying. I don't know what that might mean.

OP posts:

Lules · 16/01/2018 21:39

Ohyesiam* there’s nothing to suggest she’s doing it deliberately to get anyone into trouble is there? I agree that would be serious but there are other explanations.

PanannyPanoo · 16/01/2018 21:39

My daughter went through this too. Told a very convincing tale about an operation she had had. And a distressing detailed tale about her dad in a horrible accident. I upped the cuddles and positive attention. Lots of gentle chats about if she tells people things that aren't true she must tell them straight away that it is a story and not true. My daughter was very imaginative had complex games going on constantly. I really think that the lines between reality and imagination are completely blurred for her. She wasn't being vindictive or trying to cause trouble. Just living in her own world and practising reactions and responses.
I truly believe that kindness will solve this much faster than punishments.

edwinbear · 16/01/2018 21:39

DD now 6, went through a phase of telling lies. One of which was a very complex story about her brother being ill in hospital and therefore not at school to her teacher. Who promptly bumped into her fit and well brother in the school corridor.

She would be told off, banned from screens and asked why she did it. She would get very embarrassed when she was caught out and seems to have pretty much grown out if it now.

Original poster

justsomestepmum · 16/01/2018 21:40

She doesn't 'visit' with daddy. She lives with us.

OP posts:

Notevilstepmother · 16/01/2018 21:41

I don’t think punishment will help. Her mum knows her dad doesn’t hit her I assume.

I seem to remember a story about the boy that cried wolf being the way it was dealt with when 8 was a kid. Perhaps there is a modern version?

It is just something kids of that age do. She will probably grow out of it, and if she’s doing it for attention ignoring her is exactly the right thing to do, crazy as it sounds.

Overacting is another way to deal with it. If she tells you the teacher force fed her, pull a really ridiculous extreme shocked face then laugh and say “no she didn’t” and make a joke of it.

PinkHeart5914 · 16/01/2018 21:41

It is what children do though isn’t it, lie? I wouldn’t be talking her dolls away, she’s 5 she told a lie- sounds normal to me!

You ignore, it’s just a phase

Shockers · 16/01/2018 21:42

She’s five. This is a developmental stage that many children go through. Trust me, responsible adults who work with children will ask a few pertinent questions and watch body language to gauge what is embellishment and what is serious stuff.

Her mum obviously knows her well because she isn’t concerned. All you’re doing is showing her that her tall tales get a lot of attention.

Today I was talking to a five year old who lives and sleeps in the garage at home and has to wash minibuses every morning before driving one to school. I didn’t phone social services because his legs are too short to reach the pedals, and his mum brings him.

Might phone the zoo about the giraffe in his garden though...

mummmy2017 · 16/01/2018 21:42

Call her on it.
Texted the person first.
Either in person or on speaker tell them what she has said, so she can hear, and ask is this true.
Do it all the time, she will soon stop, after she starts to wish she hadn't said it in the first place.

Oswin · 16/01/2018 21:43

What's the living arrangements, is there any issues. It is just quite normal though.

throwcushions · 16/01/2018 21:43

Sounds like she's doing it for attention and my concern would be to get to the root of why she is doing this. She is too young to be punished. Could she be struggling with the fact her parents are separated? Could someone at school be teasing her? Etc.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 16/01/2018 21:43

Glad someone else said it! I've had the odd elaborate tail or dc trying to get out of trouble. It's not normal to lie to get other people into trouble!

mommybunny · 16/01/2018 21:44

Any idea what reaction/consequence she is hoping for by telling people her dad hits her?

Flowers456 · 16/01/2018 21:44

I dont think its normal for kids to lie like that no, I wouldnt ignore it personally my stepchild has lied from a very young age and he is now older and the lieing is getting a real problem because its always been ignored, Finally his parents are starting to wake up and realise they shouldnt have ignored it for so long...

Bringmewineandcake · 16/01/2018 21:44

I would just do as others have suggested “now Dd, you know that’s not true. How do you think daddy would feel if he heard you say that about him?”
My 5 year old makes stuff up allll the time. Sometimes I indulge it, other times I ignore it. If it’s something nasty then I nip it in the bud.

HostaFireAndIce · 16/01/2018 21:45

How much time does she spend with her mum? It's interesting that the lies seem to be lies she tells her mum about mean her dad and stepmum are. Is she trying to get attention from her mum or more time with her mum? Is she going through a phase of being particularly clingy to her mum? (My 5yo DS is OBSESSED with me at the moment). I don't think it's what 'all kids do' either, but maybe at 5 she is still trying to work out the dynamic between her parents. I don't think you're necessarily wrong to punish her if she isn't taking the conversations on board, but I agree that the punishments are quite severe and perhaps seem never ending to her. Hopefully she will stop when she realises that her mum isn't buying it.

BarbarianMum · 16/01/2018 21:46

So does she live with you and visit with her mum? Maybe its an indication that she's struggling a bit with her relationship with her mum.

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