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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is one of the cheekiest things I've been asked?

364 replies

MargoLovebutter · 16/01/2018 13:38

Due to go ski-ing at half-term. There is usually a group of us who go, a bit disparate and not close friends but ski-mates with kids. It was a diminished number of us due to go this year for various reasons but one ski-friend and her son were coming & I thought they were all booked.

Get a phone call today, from said friend, saying that she's had some health problems - ongoing since last October - and she never actually made the booking. I am sympathetic to the health problems, but was fairly shocked to hear she had never made the booking, as I understood that she had. Then she asks me if I could take her daughter (16) and have her share our room (my DS 18 & DD 15) , and she wouldn't come at all.

I think this is a MASSIVE ask and a bit of a piss take. AIBU to think that?

OP posts:
another20 · 17/01/2018 19:01

And she is not considerate and compassionate like you. So she will be able to take your refusal, no problem. And don't apologise to her.

This is a good point and something I have been leaning. CF's always try it on - so are often used to being knocked back etc.

impossible · 17/01/2018 19:03

I don't think she is unreasonable to ask but it is a big ask so the question is are you happy to take her dd? If not work out why not and tell her sorry no.

You may not want responsibility for a third teenager or maybe as only you and your dcs are going you would like to make it family time. It may be simply too crowded with an extra person or perhaps your dcs wouldnt want to accomodate another teenager they don't know very well - ask them what they think.

Don't say yes if you have reservations - it could spoil the holiday for all of you and it will be hard not to be resentful if the dynamics change in a way you don't like. It's fair enough your friend should ask but it's also fair enough if it doesn't suit you.

impossible · 17/01/2018 19:07

Just caught up.. well done OP for sorting out.

Ooohlalalala · 17/01/2018 19:26

Why do people need their own thoughts and feelings to be validated or not by strangers? If you feel it's cheeky, then so be it. That's all that's required.

ArntNise · 17/01/2018 19:36

Well done OP :)
Have a great family holiday :) x

another20 · 17/01/2018 19:36

oohlla you are 100% correct - but some of us were trained to deny our feelings to facilitate others and are not yet comfortable saying how we feel with no guilt....but need to learn to be true to ourselves !

Inertia · 17/01/2018 19:51

Well done- you were completely in the right. Pretty mean of your friend to pile on the guilt. She is responsible for her daughter missing out , not you - she could have booked the holiday and just rested while her daughter skied with you/ ski school.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/01/2018 20:10

Some of you need to read the thread properly. All of it.

Well done Margo, you did well actually ringing & still not caving in.

She has NO right to feel ‘sad’. She’s been lying to you for months. If they weren’t coming you might have booked a completely different holiday or invited other friends. SHE has let you down terribly. Not to mention her poor DD. You are more than ‘collateral damage’ here, because them not coming changes your holiday entirely.

You could do worse than posting on MN ‘In x resort, anyone else here? Fancy meeting up for a drink?’ or whatever. Some great friendships have been made that way. You can name change to do it if you don’t want them reading previous posts.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/01/2018 20:17

Abbylee. for most of us, there is NO problem with asking if you are upfront with your request, the problem here was they had an arrangement to ALL go on holiday, but the other woman never booked! The OP was looking forward to some adult company and might have booked a totally different holiday if the woman had told her she wasn’t going to book it.

I wish more people WOULD ask, because I think often it doesn’t occur to people to offer, and I’m crap with mind reading! Just Ask.

BashStreetKid · 17/01/2018 20:21

As long as she is willing to and her daughter isn’t a pain in the butt I don’t see the issue.

Willing to what, Sarah? Would you really not see the issue in two adults and two 16 year olds, one of who isn't related, sharing a hotel room? And being forced into the position of being responsible for the unrelated child?

Liara · 17/01/2018 20:26

It's not cheeky to ask so long as she will take no for an answer gracefully.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 21:02

Don’t know why you can’t think about this yourself using a bit of empathy. Your daughter and hers are close in age. Maybe that’s why. Having a health issue can make things very difficult to plan. Seems fairly clear to me why she hadn’t booked, maybe she realises now she definitely can’t go as doesn’t feel any better or able and this is a last ditch attempt to arrange for her daughter to go and enjoy herself with ‘friends’. Though the way you talk about your group sounds like you don’t actually feel you are all friends. Sounds rather sad actually. Why go together at all if that’s how you feel. Sounds like it’s just so you’re in a ‘group’ Hmm

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 21:08

I just don’t think this kind of thing should be on AIBU. Make the decision yourself talking the details over with partner or friend. I don’t see how strangers can help with this kind of thing. Unless the problem is how to say now. I don’t think you should or shouldn’t take the girl, but calling the woman unreasonable - a so called friend - is just off.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 21:09

Sorry a so called friend asking a favour. God forbid you ever ask a friend a favour and instead of actually talking to you they come on here!

ChasedByBees · 17/01/2018 21:14

Are you the Mum in question mumstheword? Confused

I think OP did the right thing. The other Mum put her in a difficult position and should be apologising for leading OP to believe she was coming. Now she’s left as the only adult - a totally different holiday.

OP was thinking about accommodating the friend (and being far too nice IMO) and that would have really diminished her holiday.

Why shouldn’t she ask for other opinions and talk it through with others?

If you are the Mum, you owe her an apology rather than a guilt trip.

UrsulaPandress · 17/01/2018 21:16

Are you ok?

HotelEuphoria · 17/01/2018 21:39

Bloody hell, the room situation alone would freak my kids out. DS refused to share a room on holiday with her brother once he got to 15 and she was 13.

Just got back from skiing and DZh and DS were in the twin room of a studio and DD and I in the double bed. Assuming DH hadn't come, no way could I work a semi stranger into that set up.

Have a lovely holiday OP, the three of you will be fine!

HotelEuphoria · 17/01/2018 21:40

**DD refused to share not DS!

BraayTigger · 17/01/2018 21:44

Well done OP, you did 100% the right thing! Have a wonderful family holiday! Xx

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 21:46

Lol no mind you I haven’t read the full thread, so throw tomatoes 🍅 at me now 🙈 I just saw it meant she’d be the only adult also yes she should have told her there was a problem before now.

Motoko · 17/01/2018 21:50

It's not cheeky to ask so long as she will take no for an answer gracefully

Well, she didn't take it gracefully. She tried to guilt trip OP for saying no. So, that makes her a CF (along with the deception).

OP, how did she offer to pay? Or was money not mentioned? You didn't say.

bluescreen · 17/01/2018 21:53

I just saw it meant she’d be the only adult also yes she should have told her there was a problem before now.
Blimey, she only got the phone call yesterday! You're being a bit harsh.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 22:02

Don’t follow. I just meant the friend should have warned her about her health being a potential issue and she should have let her know she hadn’t booked yet.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/01/2018 22:03

And I missed the bit initially about the OP being the only adult. I thought there was a group of them.

bluescreen · 17/01/2018 22:10

Don’t follow. I just meant the friend should have warned her about her health being a potential issue and she should have let her know she hadn’t booked yet.

Sorry, my bad! I didn't realise the second 'she' was the other 'she' - just feeling a bit aggrieved that so many people are still piling in on the OP now, even though she's very creditably sorted it. And CF's response shows that CF is indeed a CF.