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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is one of the cheekiest things I've been asked?

364 replies

MargoLovebutter · 16/01/2018 13:38

Due to go ski-ing at half-term. There is usually a group of us who go, a bit disparate and not close friends but ski-mates with kids. It was a diminished number of us due to go this year for various reasons but one ski-friend and her son were coming & I thought they were all booked.

Get a phone call today, from said friend, saying that she's had some health problems - ongoing since last October - and she never actually made the booking. I am sympathetic to the health problems, but was fairly shocked to hear she had never made the booking, as I understood that she had. Then she asks me if I could take her daughter (16) and have her share our room (my DS 18 & DD 15) , and she wouldn't come at all.

I think this is a MASSIVE ask and a bit of a piss take. AIBU to think that?

OP posts:
FlashTheSloth · 17/01/2018 10:54

The fact your DCs don't want to share gives you the perfect reason. At first I thought there was nothing unreasonable about her asking, but having seen that she never booked, could still go and not ski and have checked out the flight and space in the room first makes me think there was a definite degree of preplanning of this involved, and that alone would make me say no.

NotReadyToMove · 17/01/2018 10:54

You inbviouosy all know each other enough, the dcs know each other and stay in touch throughout the year.
I wouod have no issue with the ‘sharing the room’. What in earth do you think could happen?

I would have more issue if the dd isn’t that good at skiing or has a very different level than your own dcs. Or is just a real handful.

TrickyD · 17/01/2018 10:59

Why does your DS have to share the bed with you? Can't he and the extra girl have the singles and one of your DDs share with you?

Having said that, yes she is a CF and no way would I be acquiescing in her plans. The room will be crowded, your kids won't be happy and you will have to be responsible for her on the slopes and in the bars.

FluffyWuffy100 · 17/01/2018 11:02

d DS was deeply unimpressed by having to share a bed with me.

So there wasn't actually a spare bed anyway?

I would be suggesting that she finds alternative accommodation in the resort for her and her daughter, and say that you're more than happy for her DD to ski with you while she relaxes and rests her hip.

I'd do this too.

"Hey friend. Unfortunately i'm not up for taking [DD name] along without you and sharing a room. Aside from changing the dynamic of the holiday, DS is a bit old for sharing a bed with his mum now! If you and DD can get accommodation in the same resort i'll be hapy to take her skiing whils you rest your hip, but afraid I'm not up for being the responsible adult for DD without you in the same place. Let me know what you decide"

Original poster
MargoLovebutter · 17/01/2018 11:08

NotReady, my DCs have been in touch with the DD on social media a couple of times - that doesn't make them the best of friends. They're in touch with loads of people on social media!

I don't want to share my holiday room, which is fairly compact with another teenager, that will mean my 18 year old DS has to share a bed with me. He is ASD, so he'll end up on the floor, because he'll stress about our skin touching. I paid a lot of money for this holiday and I don't see why DS should end up on the floor to accommodate someone else's child. I don't even really want to share a bed with my 18 year old son.

Also, the whole dynamic of the holiday changes and I become the sole guardian of 3 on a winter sports holiday. It is tough enough being a single parent to two, let alone taking on someone else's child at such short notice.

I think I'm working up enough of a head of indignation to say no, without gibbering.

OP posts:
boxyfingo · 17/01/2018 11:16

You know that you don't want to do it. What you have just posted makes complete sense - just in case you are doubting yourself! I would text if I was you so that you can say exactly what you want to do without your friend having the opportunity to change your mind. I would be very careful about suggesting that they look at other accommodation in the resort just in case she sends her daughter along on her own for you to supervise!! You deserve to enjoy YOUR holiday that you have planned and paid for.

ToesInWater · 17/01/2018 11:17

I read a lot of way through the thread before realising that her not going made you the only adult. That must have been so disappointing for you! There is no way that you should take her daughter bearing in mind the accommodation situation, it's not about different genders in a room, it's about you having a family room (already squashed) then being expected to add a 16 yo that you are not close to. I can't believe the people here trying to normalise it, sorry but the person who asked is a big time cf. Checking flights and whether you can have an extra person in your room before asking you is proof that she is taking the piss. Enjoy your holiday with your kids as it sounds like it will be your last snow trip.

expatinscotland · 17/01/2018 11:46

'I don't want to share my holiday room, which is fairly compact with another teenager, that will mean my 18 year old DS has to share a bed with me. He is ASD, so he'll end up on the floor, because he'll stress about our skin touching. I paid a lot of money for this holiday and I don't see why DS should end up on the floor to accommodate someone else's child. I don't even really want to share a bed with my 18 year old son.

Also, the whole dynamic of the holiday changes and I become the sole guardian of 3 on a winter sports holiday. It is tough enough being a single parent to two, let alone taking on someone else's child at such short notice.'

I truly do not understand why any parent would for one second consider compromising their holiday for the sake of a CF because they are too lily-livered to tell the CF, 'NO!' WTAF? 'I'm a facilitator and people pleaser.' At the expense of your kids? Read back how that sounds! You owe this person nothing. STOP prevaricating and start putting your kids first! Isn't that a no-brainer? Your kids come before anything else.

Email her or FB message her back. 'No, I cannot take your daughter. It's not possible. It doesn't work for our family.'

Seriously, grow a spine.

SandyDenny · 17/01/2018 11:53

Well now you have the backing of your DCs there's no reason to need to buckle under any pressure from the Mum.

StormTreader · 17/01/2018 12:05

Say "No" by text, I dont think you have to phone if youre finding the idea distressing.
And then refuse to be guilted or talked around, think "Sending the No was stressful, if I end up breaking and saying "Yes" after that then all that suffering will have been wasted!"

Original poster
MargoLovebutter · 17/01/2018 12:16

Done! Phoned too. I wrote out what I needed to say, which was a combination of the suggestions on this thread. Had various sentences on a piece of paper in front of me, so I didn't get flustered and cave in a panic.

It was a bit awkward and she said she was really sad I wouldn't help. I just said, "I understood, but it didn't work for us" and repeated that as she re-said a few times in different ways what a shame it was I wouldn't help. Conversation ended with me wishing her well with her hip op and she wished me a good holiday.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Buxbaum · 17/01/2018 12:17

Well done OP!

StormTreader · 17/01/2018 12:19

Well done!
I know you said she never said she agreed but if I am booking something with friends and they say "lets go for it!" then that IS a firm agreement as far as I'm concerned - she was trying it on, well done for not being taken for a mug.

sonjadog · 17/01/2018 12:20

Good work!

TempusEejit · 17/01/2018 12:21

Well done you!

expatinscotland · 17/01/2018 12:22

BRAVO!!! Well done, you! She has a fucking cheek. You should be furious she did this to you. Some friend! Especially as she still went on about you're helping. She doesn't give a shit about your family or you.

UrsulaPandress · 17/01/2018 12:22

Well done. Must have been a really awkward phone call. Bet you feel huge relief.

Have a great holiday.

Bunchofdaffodils · 17/01/2018 12:22

Hooray! Well done op. Enjoy your holiday. Maybe you’ll get chartting to some other adults there.

SandAndSea · 17/01/2018 12:22

I quite like Fluffy's message idea (as well as my own). Maybe send whichever is closest to the truth for you.

IamLucyBarton · 17/01/2018 12:24

expat why so much frustration towards the OP?
She is not going to take her against the dc’s will. She has admitted she is a people pleaser and struggling with it. Being a people pleaser hurts oneself more than others so there is no need for you to add to it.
If only was so easy to change our ingrained attitudes.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/01/2018 12:24

Well done!!! Have an awesome holiday

SandAndSea · 17/01/2018 12:25

(Can't believe I x-posted on here again!)

Well done, OP! Her response confirms to me that she is indeed a CF! But, no matter! You did brilliantly!!!

BanyanTree · 17/01/2018 12:25

she re-said a few times in different ways what a shame it was I wouldn't help

Shock

Wow, talk about trying to make you feel bad because she is not prepared to pay for herself to go along and not ski.

Stormwhale · 17/01/2018 12:26

One step for a people pleaser. One giant leap for people pleasing kind. Bravo op, you are an inspiration to all of us who have trouble saying no!

IamLucyBarton · 17/01/2018 12:26

Ups posted too early. Did
Not see the update.

Great stuff.

Onviously she tried to guild trip you, not a sign of good honest friendship in my opinion. The right answer would have been “of course, no prob etc”.

She is def s CF and you a step towards assertivness since you even made that call.

Maybe it was good of expat to push you on.