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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 17/01/2018 22:11

I don't have an issue with strip clubs, several of my friends danced in uni and loved it, not 'exploited' at all.

Personally wouldn't care if DH was there or not, he's not touching anyone else, and I'm comfortable that he finds me attractive regardless of what's on display in a club

captaindiaper · 17/01/2018 23:22

I'm not arsed in the slightest if my husband went to a strip Club and got a dance.

As long as it was "one off" not every Saturday night, then I think we'd be in trouble.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/01/2018 00:05

Wow, you’re so cool, Captain. I think you’ve missed the actual point of the thread. It’s not about whether the op should care about strip clubs or not, it’s about the fact that her DP doesn’t care about her.

Winebottle · 18/01/2018 00:16

I see it as similar to pornography. It objectifies women and I don't really like that he finds other women attractive but I'm not going to die in a ditch over it.

It's a difficult one because I don't like that they are objectifying women but that is why I don't see it as cheating.

Toadinthehole · 18/01/2018 01:07

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime

You should tell your DP that your friend won't be naked as he'll be keeping his stockings on!

Or his socks, if you prefer.

Toadinthehole · 18/01/2018 01:11

If Janice down the road sent dp a full frontal and he asked for more, it def would be cheating, yet how is this different to looking for stuff online?

Because Janice sent it specifically to him, and he specifically asked her for more.

Stumbling across pictures of Janice online (and returning to the website for more) is a better comparison.

Reddlion · 18/01/2018 03:52

op think about breaking this relationship

Fitbitironic · 18/01/2018 06:17

toad yep. Is that still cheating?

theredjellybean · 18/01/2018 06:34

Tbh.. I am on the fence about this. I am not bothered about strip clubs or lap dances.. I would find it ghastly to have naked person writhing around on me (unless it was mutual.. Either dp or perhaps one of my sleb crushes). But I am not worried if dp wanted to go to a club. He says he finds them a bit cringy now but as younger man in the city in the 80's they were usual Friday lunch activity.

The fence sitting is over the OP feeling that her feelings over this take precedence over her dh's. He wants to go and she doesn't want him to. While he perhaps needed to handle it differently and talk it through and find a compromise, I don't think we own our partners or have the right to tell them what they can or can't do.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2018 07:03

I don't think we own our partners or have the right to tell them what they can or can't do.

Well no, but we all have things that would end our relationships. I suppose technically I don't have the right to tell my husband not to cheat on me because he is his own person and I don't own him, but if he did it I would leave him.

Same here. OP has choices, and for me there would be no compromise. You are either the type of seedy man to pay someone to dance naked around you or you aren't. Even if he didn't go to keep me happy, he would still be the type of man who sees no issue with it and that alone would be a passion and respect killer.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 18/01/2018 07:17

I don’t own my dh. I have no right to tell him what to do. My feelings do not take precedence over his. But, if he did something I disagreed with, then of course I’d leave him, if I felt strongly enough about it. That’s my right too.

If it was actual cheating for example, or he’d committed a seriies of really terrible, violent crimes, or if he acuawd our children. It doesn’t mean I own him if I say those are dealbreakers for me.

BertrandRussell · 18/01/2018 07:28

I don't own my partner. But if he were to go to a lap dancing I would leave him. Not because of the action specifically, but because he would not be the person I thought he was.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 18/01/2018 07:45

*abused our children ffs autocorrect!

MadamMinacious · 18/01/2018 09:11

I don't think we own our partners or have the right to tell them what they can or can't do.

But we do have the right to set our own boundaries in a relationship. I believe it is cheating but more than that and more importantly I have certain moral views about it. It's a deal breaker for me, I was upfront with my OH. He can go - I can't stop him but as I said in my earlier post I am free to react to that by leaving. I really don't think women should HAVE to put up with this use and objectification of women just because society says it is a 'normal' thing to do. I think our idea of normal is a bit warped. Like this, for example:

as younger man in the city in the 80's they were usual Friday lunch activity.

Just a bit of objectification with your sandwiches. Nice.

Falmer · 18/01/2018 11:59

Good post Madam, agree with you.

bridgetoc · 18/01/2018 12:01

YABU........ It's not a big deal.

MadamMinacious · 18/01/2018 15:34

YABU........ It's not a big deal.

Hilarious. Your view = everyone's view. You are THAT important.

theredjellybean · 18/01/2018 15:43

Madam you are absolutely right, this thread is about what boundaries individuals have, clearly some of us are not bothered about these activities and some are.

We are all entitled to have our own views, I did not say the op was wrong to feel the way she did, it just isn't how everyone feels.

theredjellybean · 18/01/2018 15:44

The op asked is posters thought she was being unreasonable... Some of us say yes some say no... Personal opinions

MadamMinacious · 18/01/2018 17:02

I know Jellybean it seemed like that particular post was just dismissive of what the OP said though. She said she does think it is a problem and went from there. It just felt dismissive but you are correct - I take your point, my response was flippant.

MadamMinacious · 18/01/2018 17:05

Sorry Jelly bean your post wasn't dismissive - I meant the one above mine. You are indeed entitled to your opinion but we're on a (particularly argumentative Smile ) public forum so I guess we respond to each other. My response to you wasn't flippant but the bridgtoc one was.

ferntwist · 18/01/2018 17:07

YANBU! That’s outrageous. He’s married to you, he should not be paying other women for a sexual encounter. No way. Would he let you strip for another man?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/01/2018 17:12

I couldn't be with a man that would ever go to a strip club whilst in a relationship if his partner wasn't ok with it.
To me, it is cheating, as is porn if a partner doesn't like it.
BUT i would always discuss this prior to starting a relationship, so everyone knows where they stand and if views don't match, the relationship wouldn't happen.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 18/01/2018 20:46

I’ve calmed down now after some time apart. I’m still not at all happy with his attitude.

Hopefully, we can have an adult discussion tomorrow. Thanks again

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 18/01/2018 20:47

YANBU to be upset

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