Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About his attitude to lap dances

255 replies

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 16/01/2018 11:41

I’m currently having a discussion with my DP about our attitudes to strip clubs and lap dances.

I’m against the whole thing for two reasons. Firstly, I think strip clubs treat women as commodities to be bought and promotes negative attitudes to women. Secondly, I hate the idea of my DP paying for another woman to get naked and dance in his lap. This really upsets me. I know he is always going to find other women attractive but to actually pay for someone to turn him on on a 1-2-1 basis feels disrespectful to me.

He has just said that I’ve got no right to tell him what to do and if he were to go on a stag do where it was expected of him then he would be getting a lap dance.

I feel pretty devastated about this. I know I can’t force him not to do something but I did hope he would take my feelings into account.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 10:06

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime it just made me laugh - like he was compelled but then again it almost IS like that isn't it. Like he HAS to go into the club and then he might HAVE to have that dance as if he has no mind of his own and even as an adult is so swayed by peer pressure that he can't help himself...

but the truth is it is because he WANTS to have one and you are saying this will hurt you and he is saying he doesn't care if it does, basically.

You take care of yourself AnotherPlaceAnotherTime - we are on your side.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 10:08

Thank you. It’s hard to believe he is in his 40s

OP posts:
carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/01/2018 10:17

I'm amazed at those who don't have a problem with it. Firstly, how can anyone know that the women working in such a place are doing so of their own free will and furthermore could they honestly say that they would be happy for a daughter of theirs to earn money in this way, or is it just okay for someone else's daughter Hmm

One of my sons went on a stag week-end and found himself in a strip club, he told me he thought it was a sleazy, sordid experience, that he hoped he would never repeat and he hated seeing women objectified in such a way. I was proud of him and thought I must have done something right, but would also add he's a chip of the old block, my husband had espoused the same sentiments to me years ago when he found himself in a similar situation. I would also add I have another son who would regard such an event as "a bit of a laugh" Sad because he's the one with a daughter.

I was very glad the "gentlemens' club" how I hate that euphamism, got closed down in my neck of the woods due to public pressure, it was in a fairly residential area. For what it's worth I wouldn't want to see such a place where men took off their kit for womens' enjoyment, I don't get that either.

I think your concerns about how your partner's attitude to something as intimate as having an unknown naked woman writhing about his person will possibly affect your relationship are absolutely understandable OP and don't ever apologise for feeling as you do. Only you can decide whether it will ultimately undermine your relationship to such an extent you may not see a future with your partner.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/01/2018 10:20

typo off not of second para.

Polarbear46 · 17/01/2018 10:32

Firstly, how can anyone know that the women working in such a place are doing so of their own free will...

Some of us commented because we either are in the industry or have friends who are.

and furthermore could they honestly say that they would be happy for a daughter of theirs to earn money in this way, or is it just okay for someone else's daughter

As long as she is in a safe club then I hate to say it at her diabolical age but why not? I'd be a hypocrite otherwise, I've thought about it and I have considerable pole experience.

When you know so little of the industry and go on stereotypes its easy to look down on others.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 10:38

I definitely don’t look down on the performers/dancers. Honestly I don’t.

I just hate the idea that there is a widespread industry where people can go to buy access to a naked woman.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 17/01/2018 10:39

'Try his hardest not to get a lap dance...'
Oh FFS...

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 17/01/2018 10:39

Some of us commented because we either are in the industry or have friends who are.

The point is though, that some women may not be working there of their own volition. It doesn’t really matter how many lapdancers come on here and say they love their jobs, (although that’s great if they have a job that they love, even if I’m not especially keen on strip / gentleman’s clubs in general). It’s very difficult to tell the willing dancers from the not willing, if you’re the average joe-lapdance-customer coming in off the street.

The same could be said for lots of industries though. Car washes, fruit picking and nail bars have a bad reputation for slavery too.

GrooovyLass · 17/01/2018 10:39

I've got a friend who was a lap dancer for over 10 years until about 18 months ago. She said no matter what the circumstance - ie stag do or man on his own; teenager, middle aged or old; good looking or not - she always felt utter contempt for a man who felt the need to pay £10 (yes £10 - I was amazed!) for a 5 second glimpse of her fandango.

She herself would never even consider having a relationship with a man who would go to a strip club because she saw them as being so pathetic. Her colleagues felt the same.

I wonder how many men would care that their lapdancer felt like that or if they wouldn't care, because tits.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 17/01/2018 10:42

God, I can imagine @groooovy! It’s fairly pathetic, if you think about it.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/01/2018 10:44

How about you frame this differently?

All this technicalities shit. Wait and see if he does get a lap dance. Him trying to say ooooh but you agreed I could do this but not this.

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

I do not want to be in a relationship with a guy who thinks lap dances are great and would like to get one, because I don't want a sleazy misogynist who doesn't respect me or any other woman as my partner.

That's what you think.
That what you want.
It's what most other women think.
It's a GOOD boundary.

Enforce it, dump him, and find a better man.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 10:46

When you know so little of the industry and go on stereotypes its easy to look down on others

I know some of the industry (as mentioned I did some research in this area) - although I freely accept you will have a greater understanding. I know your comment wasn't aimed at me but I want you to know I would never - NEVER EVER look down on the women working in any part of the sex industry. But I do look down on the men using them.

As I said in an earlier post I will never understand why paying for something which would be considered cheating if it happened in a club/pub makes it suddenly acceptable for men in relationships as if paying a woman to perform erases the infidelity. It isn't about what the women think of the punter either (believe me I heard a lot about that) it's about what those men think of that woman in particular and women in general that bothers me.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 10:47

sorry Ms doublepost strikes again:

it should have said *I accept you have a greater understanding if you have worked within the industry for a while.

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 10:47

Ginger1982
'Try his hardest not to get a lap dance...'
Oh FFS...

I know right? What does that even mean? He sounds like a tool. Honestly you have no ties, the lap dance itself is bad enough but coupled with that his attitude to your feelings around it are inexcusable and would be a deal breaker for me

Polarbear46 · 17/01/2018 10:48

@madamMinacious my comment was in response to the person who made the comment in the quote

I agree with you on all points :)

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 10:50

@GrooovyLass

YY this was the general consensus of opinion from women when I did the interviews too.

MadamMinacious · 17/01/2018 10:53

@Polarbear46 I know it wasn't aimed at me but thanks Smile and I'm glad we agree. I just don't want anyone reading who works in the industry to think that I look down on them. I'd hate them to think that.

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 10:56

*She herself would never even consider having a relationship with a man who would go to a strip club because she saw them as being so pathetic. Her colleagues felt the same.

I wonder how many men would care that their lapdancer felt like that or if they wouldn't care, because tits*

Those men would probably say "as if I'd date a stripper anyway" most likely because they do see them as pieces of meat

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 17/01/2018 11:01

Some of us commented because we either are in the industry or have friends who are

Conversely others have commented on this thread of having experienced dealing with women who have been coerced into such work. I accept if you are working in a strip/lap dancing club of your own volition then that is of course your prerogative to do that, but that isn't going to negate the feelings of women such as the OP, who do not wish their partner to have such an intimate experience with a stranger. My point was that a punter cannot be sure whether the woman performing the dance is a free agent. What I do know is that I have read interviews with women who related how they embarked of their own free will in stripping/lap dancing and said that after a while they were full of self loathing and detested the men they had to perform for. However, everyone is different and I quite accept that some who do this for a living will emerge unscathed. Reading through the thread, it's clear that lap dancing clubs divide opinions, for what I perceive to be a minority, a partner receiving a lap dance would not affect them at all, neverthless the OP is quite clearly distressed by her partner's offhand attitude to the matter and seemingly many posters empathise with that.

waterlego6064 · 17/01/2018 11:20

Pathetic that he claims he doesn’t want to pay for a lap dance but will do that he doesn’t lose face with his mates. Toxic masculinity anyone?

waterlego6064 · 17/01/2018 11:21

That should have said: ‘he will do it so that he doesn’t lose face’

Littlechocola · 17/01/2018 11:29

I would have no respect for a man who treated me as he’s treating you.

passmethewineplease · 17/01/2018 11:29

Big deal breaker for me.

Original poster
AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 17/01/2018 12:28

I honestly don’t think either him or his friends would care what the dancers thought of them. They have paid their money so want to see the boobs etc.

Whether the woman is happy or not does not matter to them.

OP posts:
NearlyChristmasNow · 17/01/2018 12:40

He says he doesn’t want to look like a ‘twat’ in front of his mates and that getting a lap dance will be expected.

But he doesn't care if he looks like 'twat' to you.