To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

Equally, can you not see that there are people, who do have loving close relationships that do not wish to discuss everything with them? It's not wrong, it's ok, it's just slightly different to what you experience.
My mil would love those sort of discussions, but I actually find them intrusive.

Equally, can you not see that there are people, who do have loving close relationships that do not wish to discuss everything with them?

Yes. As I said above. Literally, in the post above.

Some of us on this thread are going to some pains to emphasise that we recognise that our experiences, preferences and lies are not universal.

Some are not.

Bloody hell, values not lies.

Eh? Since when did asking what attracted you to a certain job or place become an intrusive question? Sounds like pretty standard small talk!

not yes I probably am very boring in conversation! I avoid those situations as much as possible! And no, my DD doesn't live in the same county as I do. would I persuade her to travel abroad? Because I did? Should I? No. Equally I would not persuade her to remain in her home area.

I’m the child in this. I moved to the US (was coast too. Not even that far!) to be with my American DH and my mother has never forgiven me, she screamed at me, guilt tripped me, threatened me and threw numerous hysterical tantrums to try and stop be leaving. It didn’t stop me leaving, it just steeled me resolve to leave and never come back and completely destroyed our relationship.

I’m also curious as to what some of you think I should have done? Dumped the love of my life to stay in my home town, with a high cost of living and limited opportunities and pander to my parents whims until they die? That doesn’t sound like much of a life.

I’m also curious as to what some of you think I should have done? Dumped the love of my life to stay in my home town, with a high cost of living and limited opportunities and pander to my parents whims until they die? That doesn’t sound like much of a life.

I think you were supposed to dump him as soon as you found out he was foreign, just in case his foreignness led to the risk of emigration.

That’s what I’ve gathered from the thread, anyway.

I think you were supposed to dump him as soon as you found out he was foreign, just in case his foreignness led to the risk of emigration.

Furthermore, I have learned that if you wished to move away for career opportunities not available in the land of your birth, this is a tragedy, a personal failing and a sign that you were badly parented.

would I persuade her to travel abroad? Because I did? Should I? No.

Of course not. And no-one here is saying that. Not one person.

No is trying to persuade anyone to do anything they do not want to do.

They're discussing ideas, saying this is what I did and why I think it's a good idea, and here's why exploring and taking your time to make the right decision can be a wise move, etc, etc, etc.

If you naturally shy away from, or avoid, these sorts of conversations - especially with people you love and/or have a natural affinity with - I can understand why this is perhaps difficult to comprehend.

jassy don't be ridiculous. I really think you should do what you want. I wouldn't be interested in persuading you either way. I, personally, would choose not to marry a person who had any interest in living abroad but - and I think this is important - my wishes don't transfer to other people, offspring included.

So I find it quite reasonable to hold my opinion, and support my children who, might hold another quite different view.

"I think you were supposed to dump him as soon as you found out he was foreign, just in case his foreignness led to the risk of emigration."

Oh dear, why didn't someone tell me this when I was dating DH? Although I wasn't really spoiled for choice so I might not have listened.

It's reasonable, I think to have travelled, lived abroad etc and maybe, just maybe think later, I think id have been better staying put. For many many reasons. Not least absolutely loving a house I once lived in - which Ive never been able to have again. And Ive never found one Ive liked as much. So when it's mentioned that going away is temporary it doesn't feel so.

Although it's been suggested that moving away is temporary There are some things that can't be undone. For example I loved loved loved a house we had and now don't. I can't get it back again.

The poster said she was fortunate the dd was nearby because she was undergoing cancer treatment in hospital near uni so this way they could visit/support her easily.

Well my reading was that the DD got the cancer diagnosis AFTER she enrolled at Uni- it wasn't a factor that influenced her enrolment decision. Assuming that's correct, then the implication that a DC should enrol at a Uni nearby on the tiny chance they get a serious illness rather than the University best suited to them is, frankly, ludicrous. You cant live your life by trying to guard against worst case scenarios.

jonney
It may be a tiny risk for your children - 3 of mine have a 50% young risk. I don't call that tiny.

Do you take it into account? Well we didn't know of this when she chose we were just fortunate that it's worked out that way.

I think it’s quite rare to have 3 kids with a high cancer risk. At that point obviously this would determine life decisions. However for those of us who are not constrained by illness to make future decisions on the basis of the probability of children being ill seems a tad...limiting. And I say this as a mum whose son spent 70 days in intensive care. He’s still free to make his life choices away from me (and I sincerely hope he does!).

It’s always possible to alter life plans. I went to the US for a post graduate degree and had a serious leg injury while hiking. It was terrible. I was on my own. But hey, I coped. Friends rallied around. It’s a distant memory. I have lived in two different continents since. Yes, having my parents fussing over me then would have been convenient but it’s entirely possible (and possibly healthy) to cope with minor illnesses. Obviously obviously cancer doesn’t fall in that category but a worldview that without any actual medical basis (which is NOT the case of the PP but is somehow suggested by others we should consider) is dominated by the possibility of disaster befalling is probably not a good idea.

Unfortunately They do have to take medical risk into account - things like medical insurance are not always available. If you are out of the uk for more than 6 months you don't qualify for nhs treatment so its not like you could come back and be treated.

Yes but if you emigrate you figure this stuff out. You sort out health insurance or health care in the country you move to. I have moved multiple times and this is often a basic requirement.

If you don’t have medical insurance many (most) countries will not let you emigrate. Seriously. I have done this lots. I know what I am talking about. It’s not like going on holiday and getting stuck without care. If you move countries you do it properly.
You get healthcare. A bank account. A phone account. A social security number if that’s relevant. The works.

We have moved to: the UK from India. UK to the US. US to Singapore. Singapore to Hong Kong. Back to the UK for 9 years and we had kids here. We are heading to the US in July and then a possible stint in South Africa before returning for the oldest sitting his 11+.

I know posters are saying that their parents have said they don't want them to feel responsible when they need daily care. And I know posters are saying that they've said that to their own dc. But you can't switch off your feelings for your parents. And it must be so hard to be so far away when you know they're slowly slipping away and other siblings are able to be about.

I agree with previous poster who said it's great to have carers but there's a huge psychological benefit for both parties if they can spend time together and they're not mutually exclusive. I visit my dad regularly but he has a team of carers too.

I'm in the position of the sibling left behind-both my sister's have emigrated, married locals and have no plan to return.

I don't begrudge them it, neither does my Mum although I have seen the sadness it's caused her. She would never ever mention to either of them how it has made her feel but she would to me.

As for my own children, I would feel sad but similar to my Mum I don't think I could ever truly express this to them as I wouldn't want to feel I was holding them back or guilt tripping them.

I can tell you it is scary as hell being the only sibling left close by as parents get older. It causes me a massive amount of anxiety which I doubt my sisters feel.

And it must be so hard to be so far away when you know they're slowly slipping away and other siblings are able to be about. It is hard not to be on hand to help, we've been thinking my Dad's number is up for years, I still don't regret leaving and none of my siblings regret leaving either - we all wanted a life with more opportunities, I'd have felt stifled and miserable living in the village I was brought up.

I'm married to a Kiwi so DD has a passport. If she wanted to move we'd support her. It's an equal part of her culture/heritage.

Those saying they'd plan lots of holidays. It's not without its difficulties. MIL and FIL are separated. Since we had children they both want to come over every year for weeks at a time and relay each other. They have lovely holidays and I am brimming with resentment run ragged juggling work and looking after his parents. DH works away so they get left with me. MIL is especially difficult add on other huge stresses in our life which coincided with her last stay. I felt both physically and mentally unwell by the time she left. I've put my foot down and we'll manage visits more carefully in the future otherwise it will be to the detriment of our own marriage.

It's hard, there is no easy answer. If DD emigrated and finances allowed I'd certainly find separate accommodation if we planned to stay for longer than 2 weeks.

@JassyRadlett @spatchcock I should have run for the hills as soon as I heard that New Yawk twang in his voice. Although, at the time I wasn’t anticipating marrying him - or in fact seeing him during daytime hours