To ask how you would feel if your adult child decided to emigrate to Oz or NZ

[CaraBosse1]

Be honest and don't say you'd be "cool" about it if you wouldn't really

I'd hate it. Sure I'd make all the supportive noises but I'd hate it.

I have friends who have moved away and have children and I feel so sorry for their parents. I think you only get one family and time together is so precious.

I would probably offer to go too!

And sometimes there isn't ever a good time to move away, nor does it always work out well. Like palliste said its not always moving away equals full of opportunities fabulous life and staying put equal hum drum dreadful existence - sometimes it's the other way round.

And sometimes there isn't ever a good time to move away, nor does it always work out well. Like palliste said its not always moving away equals full of opportunities fabulous life and staying put equal hum drum dreadful existence - sometimes it's the other way round.

Have all these parents who say they'd try and persuade their children to stay not thought that that could drive a wedge between you and make them even more determined to go because they'd feel emotionally blackmailed? I know if my parents took that stance it would severely affect how I felt about them, and we currently have a great relationship. Them trying to guilt me into staying and make me feel bad and selfish for moving away would, quite frankly, only make me think "sod you, I'm even more determined to do it now"

sloth yes for a lot of people being told not to move away when you've got your heart set on it would have a similar effect to being told not to marry the person you're in love with because your parents don't like them.

Whether its marriage or moving abroad it may or may not be all they are hoping - but whether it works out or not in the long run, telling your adult child not to make their own life decisions and blackmailing them to change their minds with the threat you'll be "devastated" or "heart broken" and pleading with them not to will make them resent you, and probably despise you a bit, no matter whether they go against your wishes and feel defiant and guilty or submit and always wonder about what they've sacrificed to please their parent.

The language used I think is important. It's why I don't think parents should persuade or as was suggested "advice" .
That's often code for move away equals good because it's what I believe yet fail to understand not everyone is like them and have different preferences and goals.

It's why we are seeing the narrative written here of "controlling parents demanding their offspring stay put" yet ones who believe in moving away "gently suggesting something would be fun or have benefits" such as the poster who was advising the au pair.

Yet actually some parents are controlling and demanding their offspring go away. It works both ways.

Head it's very unusual for parents to insist children move away! Only one poster has mentioned that, and the father was advising a comparatively short period away to broaden horrizons, not a permanent move! "Don't go" means don't go ever or don't go until I'm dead (which might be a few years or a few decades or you might live to be 104 and outlive your child) .

"Don't go" is permanent, unlike "try something for a year, or even a few years."

It's why we are seeing the narrative written here of "controlling parents demanding their offspring stay put" yet ones who believe in moving away "gently suggesting something would be fun or have benefits" such as the poster who was advising the au pair.

I think the thing here is that you’re presenting these as two sides of the same coin, with an equally permanent impact, which is just not accurate. One is inherently permanent and exclusionary - don’t move away - while the other is potentially temporary, and more inclusive of ‘ultimately settle here’ - you should consider trying living in different places before deciding that this is where you want to spend your life.

The other issue here is motive and focal point. The ‘try living other places’ advice tends to focus on the person in question; it focuses on their long-term benefit and happiness. The ‘never leave’ advice, based on this thread, is at least in signifiant part focused on benefit to others rather than the individual - while the benefits to the individual have come across as secondary. Altruism vs (in part) self interest by the advice giver.

If local is the right place for them, when everything is weighed up, then that’s where they will probably end up, if you’ve given them confidence in themselves and the skills to make good decisions.

Ultimately, I ended up on the other side of the world; that was right for me even though the location wouldn’t be my first preference. I may not be here forever but it’s the right decision for now. My brothers are within two hours of my parents (which qualifies as ‘reasonably local’ for us). One is there for life, the other may move but has no current plans to.

However we are all happy, fulfilled in our reactionships and families and in our careers, and retain strong bonds with each other, in part because we were equipped and encouraged to choose the right paths for us. That’s the important thing.

Evelyn was more succinct than me!

I’m sure my dad would have been pleased as punch if we’d moved around the corner, as long as he wasn’t worrying that we hadn’t experienced anything else, and therefore might be dissatisfied or regretful down the track.

Yet actually some parents are controlling and demanding their offspring go away. It works both way

Never heard of this happening, except in toxic, dysfunctional relationships where families don't get on, which aren't the subject of this thread.

No, I disagree.
You see moving away as focusing on the other person, yet it often doesn't - it's more about living through your child or getting them to do things you have enjoyed, or wish to do.

Interesting that "try living somewhere else for an undefined period of time while you figure out who you are" is controlling, whilst "if you even think of moving away, you're an unnatural selfish destroyer of family" is an expression of ultimate loving.

I was witness to a dreadful interaction at a social event. The woman in question gave the benefit, at length, to my DD about going far away from home to uni and in particular London. It wasn't her place to do so, she didn't pick up why my DD had chosen the uni she did - it did the course she wanted in the way she wanted it.

the "advice" was not focussed on my DD, and her needs likes etc, but more on the woman in questions preferences, likes etc.

In general, I think there are far too many people, ready to give the benefit if their advice, when quite frankly they are interfering busybodies!

Unlike doweger I didn't end up with a fabulous career, nor my health, and I guess I wanted to point out there are downsides sometimes, to being away from parents, or indeed children

I understand this better than anyone, HeadofHives - I flew home to be with my Mum in ICU twice, and the third time, I didn't get there fast enough.

And a few years later DH and I made the decision to uproot our young family (toddler and baby) and move 'home' to be closer to my Dad when he got ill for his final years.

As I've explained a few times now on this thread.

I get it - I couldn't get it more.

You see moving away as focusing on the other person, yet it often doesn't - it's more about living through your child or getting them to do things you have enjoyed, or wish to do.

I had never, ever experienced this, or met anyone who has, and goes against everything shared by those on this thread who say they would support their child, even though it would be difficult personally for them as parents. It’s a consistent narrative.

Where do you get ‘often’ from? The same toxic relationships where adult children are harangued to move abroad?

In general, I think there are far too many people, ready to give the benefit if their advice

Again, you're struggling to get your head around the idea that people in close relationships discuss things.

I just saw your subsequent post. What was the relationship between your daughter and the woman at the social event? How well did she know her?

I guess I wanted to point out there are downsides sometimes, to being away from parents, or indeed children

And those of us who have done that very thing have shared, at length, that they understand and experienced the downsides and difficulties. Dowager had already explained the very difficult circumstances with her mother. How tone deaf can you get?

For me, my health is far from great. I had health issues during and have lasting health impacts from my last pregnancy. My son had a cancer scare when he was an infant and has subsequently had surgery. Our support from ‘local’ family has been nil. It’s not a bed of bloody roses, as many of us have pointed out repeatedly. We get it. Everyone gets it.

The thing is, if you move far away as a student for example, you should expect to deal with all that on your own.
I moved away at 17yo to the other side of the world. I dealt with everything in my own just with support from my parents over the phone.
From renting my first flat to dealing with depression, family issues etc etc. I never expected any one to just jump in a plane to help me. Nor did I expect my gran to do an 8hours train journey to come and see me.
Is it hard? Well yes it is. But you also know that this is what you are signing up for if you go away.

I think there fundamental difference here is that some people expect to get or give support to their close family (parents/children) so being close is essential to be able to do.
Others expect to be able to cope in their own incl themselves or their parents and see help from them as a big bonus that they didn’t expect. Not because they dont want to give it but because they don’t want to receive it (eg parents who don’t want to burden their own dcs) or they know they will be too far to give practical hands in support.

I suspect issues arise when you have the parent who expects to give/receive support but the child wants full on independence for himself but also his own parent.

She had only just met her jassy
I think some times people think they are "discussing" when in reality it's a one way conversation. Even with close family - I don't want to discuss why we moved here, chose that job etc. Some people are more private than that.

That's why I tend to keep things very neutral.
So when I meet young adults off to uni or whatever, I say things like oh, that sounds interesting, what made you choose that, there, or whatever?

In general, I think there are far too many people, ready to give the benefit if their advice, when quite frankly they are interfering busybodies!
Are they only interfering busy bodies when they are experssing ideas different from your own though?
And can you really talk to peole wo ever expressing opinions, which will include opinions and POV about moving away from home?

It feels more and more that you are nearly fearful that someone will convinced your dd that it’s ok to move away frothe town where you live to make her life somewhere else (even if it’s in the uk, let alone abroad.

Must be quite boring (to me!) conversations Head

The random woman monologuing at an event is a rather tangential issue though Head - not really anything to do with parents and adult children. You get people like that monologuing in the guise of advice on their hobby horse no matter what it is. She could have as easily been monologuing on why young women should study STEM subjects despite your DD having mentioned her life long live of any dedication to the study of romance languages/ ancient history/ fashion design.

I think some times people think they are "discussing" when in reality it's a one way conversation.

Undoubtedly true. And sometimes, just as undoubtedly, utterly untrue. Can you trust those of us who have experienced those discussions, from all angles, that they are positive, enriching and at least two-way experiences.

Even with close family - I don't want to discuss why we moved here, chose that job etc. Some people are more private than that.

Great. That’s you. No one’s asking you to share things you don’t want to. Just, perhaps, for a moment to understand that your experience isn’t universal or even necessarily the norm.

So when I meet young adults off to uni or whatever, I say things like oh, that sounds interesting, what made you choose that, there, or whatever?

I’m confused about why you are conflating conversations with passing acquantainces or randoms at a party with discussions with family, close friends or those in a family-like relationship. Can’t you see there is no similarity, at least for those who enjoy close, trusting relationships with the people in question?