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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that there is no one on here that would not be bloody hurt and angry by this

200 replies

bagpuss90 · 15/01/2018 18:19

I posted on here before about my partners close relationships with his exes and how I struggle with this. I have kind of come to terms with the main one and we rub along okay. Anyway there is another ex who he bought a house with and lived with for a time. Since they split up he admits they have had an on - off sexual relationship though he swears never while he has been with anyone else. Anyway he is going to her part of the country on business next month and he tells me he intends staying over. He think's I'm a bunny boiling irrational nutter to object big time. Who the fuck wouldn't?? Even if he doesn't sleep with her its still inappropriate and downright disrespectful I am so bloody hurt and angry about this. I am a whisker away from dumping him. I need advice please

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Jazzy11 · 15/01/2018 23:44

Whattttt ! Never in a million years would I personally be letting that happen, and the fact he would even want to do that and knowing that it would hurt my feelings and then have the audacity to say I’m a bunny boiler?!?!? Sounds like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it - that may be his way but from your post it most certainly isn’t your way - don’t let him belittle you, stand up for yourself and put your foot down. Doesn’t seem like he’s gonna change ?

expatinscotland · 15/01/2018 23:47

You owe this gaslighting, negging twat FA. You stood up to him so his true colours have come out. Text him in the morning - 'Need to sort all this by text. Don't want to see you anymore.' And then follow up with it. Get this emotional dementor out of your life. He's not a nice bloke. He's a cunt.

Jazzy11 · 15/01/2018 23:49

Sounds like he’s the kind of idiot who would want you to end it and manipulate you in to feeling like your the one who called time on because of you and he would take absolutely no blame at all for it. Whilst you’ve ended it he will still stay at his exes and shag her guilt free because you broke up then send you flowers when he’s back saying he misses you and you get back together ! Don’t do that!!!!

thingywingywoo · 15/01/2018 23:54

You're being played off against each other. Don't take the bait!

XmasInTintagel · 15/01/2018 23:57

I had one a bit like this - found out he had a woman staying the night purely by chance, so I gave him a call, just to chat, to see if he was open about it (she was an acquaintance, and I thought it could be just that she was passing thru, and needed somewhere to stay). He specifically said he was alone in the house, without me asking...
When I told him later that I knew he wasn't, he admitted she was there, and said it was entirely innocent, but he hadn't told me because he knew I'd get 'like this'!
I'm now with someone so much nicer, who I find it easy to trust, so i know its not that I'm just always suspicious.
Find someone who makes you feel happy, and cares how you feel OP, you deserve better.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/01/2018 00:10

Oh dear god. What a BELLEND.

He’s right though, he shouldn’t ‘do relationships’, he owes the women of the world that much at least.

I’m sorry though, because it’ll still hurt, I’m sure he has some good points and after having the stroke it’s probably nice to have someone by your side. You just need a decent bloke, not this cockwomble.

I think you should meet up tomorrow, swap any bits you have of each other’s and say good bye. It’s easier to move on when you’ve said goodbye in person IMO.

...quite satisfying to call them a giant thundercunr face to face too..

bagpuss90 · 16/01/2018 00:36

Yes - it will still hurt and you are right he does have some good points. I'm still unsure if I'm going to meet him or to just text. I think meeting him would give me more closure. I'm going to sleep on it.

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bagpuss90 · 16/01/2018 00:37

Thank you everyone for your comments- it actually been pretty helpful. x

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NannyHJ · 16/01/2018 00:42

D'you know what? I think he's forcing you to end this "relationship" so that he can be the wounded party and he can heap the guilt on you. Walk away, head held high and leave him to his fantasy world. What a massive twat.

HipNewName · 16/01/2018 00:50

I'm so glad you are dumping him. You are doing the right thing.

My DH travels a lot of business. The company pays for the hotel and the meals out. The idea of staying with a friend is laughable.

I'm sorry about your stroke, and I hope you find a new dance partner!

NordicNobody · 16/01/2018 01:39

I had an ex a long time ago who I had an ongoing FWB relationship with after the split. We would hook up if both single, and meet "just as friends" occasionally if in relationships. No physical cheating ever took place, but the sexual tension and chemistry never went away and there was always a lot of long looks and "if only we were single" comments. The relationships in question never went anywhere, because the ongoing chemistry meant we always had one foot in and one foot out. Whenever I found a relationship I was serious about I'd refuse point blank to meet him "as friends", because I knew bloody well that emotional boundaries would be crossed. He'd send me long hurt texts about how I was "allowed to have friends", basically just trying to keep the door open for future flings. Any way, when I met my DP and we had our son my ex sent me a long message acknowledging that the "just friends" sexual tension hangouts thing were completely inappropriate and could never happen again, and swearing that he would never do anything to compromise my relationship in any way. We said goodbye and never spoke again. I'm not sure if he was genuinely trying to be the good guy, or just realised that he didn't want to bang me anymore now I had a kid so might as well let it go. Doesn't really matter. My point is, that although I am still friends with some exes, it's only with the exes that I know 100% I never had ongoing chemistry with or feelings for. Anything else would be hugely disrespectful to DP and would stop me from being fully engaged in our relationship. I never think about my ex, and when I do it doesn't stir up any feelings, but I will never speak to him again because my DP and our family come first. In short, when you end things tomorrow, you may consider yourself to have had a very lucky escape!

Coyoacan · 16/01/2018 04:28

I am one of those "cool wife" type who has no problem with men and women being friends, but this fella has to go. You don't tell your gf that you have a FWB relationship with someone, then announce you are going to stay with that person and then be shocked that the gf is unhappy with the idea. An absolute tosser.

You'll orobably get on better with when you are also an ex

MistressDeeCee · 16/01/2018 05:29

Drop him. I had the same with ex. He maintained contact with his exes including one he still stayed over with, if he was in her neck of the woods. I was a horrible person when I was with him. Wound up like a spring.

I came to realise, that's what he wanted. To de-stabilise relationship by keeping contact with women he'd had a sexual relationship with. & Making sure I knew it. Far too many of our disputes were about exes. Even if I didn't raise the matter, he'd find a way to mention an ex then that was it, evening spent arguing. I bet your man mentions exes all the time to you OP.

I also felt it was so unkind to his exes...as if he was ensuring he was never completely out of their lives so as to prevent them from moving on properly, finding relationships of their own. I think men like this deep down neither like not respect women. It's the ego stroking that's important

I left him to his pseudo-harem games eventually. I have male friends current OH has female friends..it's normal. No feeling of others being part of our personal relationship dynamic.

I'd drop the man, in your shoes. He is bad for your emotional well-being. When you leave him be aware he'll try to make you one of the exes he dangles too, if you maintain contact.

It's up to you to realise you'll likely be upset without him but you aren't going to die for lack of him.

Twinkie1 · 16/01/2018 05:32

He'd get dumped for using the phrase 'Bohemian Relationships'

What a self absorbed prick.

mytoesaregettingfatter · 16/01/2018 05:39

Good god. He's got a massive ego doesn't he. Gaslighting prick. Just get rid op. Don't bother meeting him, you can't get a rational response from someone like this.

Trashboat · 16/01/2018 06:25

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of meeting with him. He will probably just passive aggressively insult you.

Sort whatever needs doing by text, then block him on everything.

He thinks of himself as some mature lothario, but in reality, he is going to end up a very lonely, pathetic old man.

Velvetbee · 16/01/2018 07:46

Text. Don't massage his ego by meeting.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 16/01/2018 08:27

Think carefully about meeting him today – an expert gaslighter will know every trick in the book to talk you round. The fact he's in his 50s made me Shock – I'm guessing he's one of those blokes who'll never settle down and will bounce from woman to woman telling himself it's all THEIR fault he doesn't want a committed relationship and then he'll father a kid in his 70s and decide he's a changed man. Do you really want to wait that long for this numpty, OP?

bagpuss90 · 16/01/2018 10:05

He was married for years and has three kids

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WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 16/01/2018 10:36

Ah, he has kids! Ignore my previous post then! Grin I still think you should think carefully about meeting him though.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 16/01/2018 10:37

Hang on, is it his ex-WIFE he's bohemian-ing with?

Booboobooboo84 · 16/01/2018 11:00

If he owes you money meet him and insist on a payment plan being sorted. Take a payment plan for him to sign. If it’s you then sort by text and walk away. I’m glad you d seen the light OP.

I personally see no issue with men being friends with ex’s or women unless the new partner has a legitimate reason to have an issue with it. You have a legitimate reason

bagpuss90 · 16/01/2018 11:49

No this is someone he bought a house with and lived with -not the ex wife

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bagpuss90 · 16/01/2018 12:27

Can I just add that I have no real objection to anyone staying friends with ex partners-but he has no male friends most of his mates seem to consist of exes. The odd drink and so on I'd have no problem with but the cooking meals together, going out for days together with one ex and now the staying over with another one that he has shagged on and off for years is just way to much .

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CoolCarrie · 16/01/2018 12:29

YANBU at all, what a shit he is to think this is ok! Even if you can trust him, what about her?