Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

Posted too soon.
But that did feel like a kick in the teeth She'd known Tracey 5 minutes and known me years.

Thanks kay. Certainly do feel like in-laws prefer SIL but DH say it's in my head and I know he's probably right.

There it is!

OP, you seriously need to work on your self esteem. It’s like a teenager trying to get the popular girl to like her.

Well lesson learnt Shifty I can assure you.

I've just read through the thread and am absolutely shocked at how nasty to the OP some of the PPs have been. You should be ashamed of yourselves, do you get off on being abusive???

I don't think the OP comes across as smug or insincere, and definitely not 'stalkerish', what a ridiculous description!

But I do think you've been trying too hard. My MIL is like that with me. She's tried so hard to create a mother/daughter bond with me, she wanted me to call her 'mum' initially, and it's made me want to run a mile, as it's not what I want. We have nothing in common except that we both love my DH and my DDs. For that reason I try to be hospitable to her when she stays with us, and I do appreciate her love for our DDs. But she tries too hard with me and it grates.

Although I can't see myself talking about my own stresses on the phone with her. The SIL isn't showing no interest in the OP's efforts, as she rings her to offload. That gives a mixed message.

But there's nothing to gain from persevering with this, OP. Just back off. Things are better with my MIL now she's not trying too hard.

Definitely will be backing off Lizzie. I do feel that some PP's have been unnecessarily harsh but that's life isn't it. Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. And there's definitely been some opionated arseholes on this thread. Just hope they're not as irritating and thoughtless in real life.

Ok I think that this thread / discussion is over.

I know what I am and I am not sly / busybody / two faced / stinky attitude.... Blah blah. Perhaps I've been a little inconsistent or giving SIL mixed vibes but thar is about as much as you can throw at me. Some of you are now deliberately being all the adjectives you are levelling at me. Ironic really.

I don't know what to say about the people saying they wished you were their sister in law. Maybe the missed the bit above. I wouldn't tolerate you in my life. There's nothing nice about what you're doing

Wow. Just wow.
Nobody missed anything. We can just see that the OP is a decent person. Decency is something some people on here are clearly lacking!

I think there’s a lot of people on this thread that would get on well with your SIL, OP. Although, I’m amazed either have got any friends at all if this is the way they treat people.

That comment was vile, Roguebiscuit. Reported. I really don't get why people are this unkind.

I think RogueBiscuit has a few issues in life and even less friends!

“We can just see that the OP is a decent person. Decency is something some people on here are clearly lacking.”

Actually, people who disagree with you don’t lack decency. And the OP does sound very disingenuous, which I too am getting from her own writing. But plenty of others have pointed it out already.

Disingenuous. Right ok. Confused? Yes. Insecure? Yes. Socially anxious? Yes. Disingenuous? No.

I've reported RogueBiscuit too.

OP - this thread has given me lots to think about too.

I think that it is normal to ask people how they are.

I think that yes if someone offloads their problems it is normal to follow up and kind to check back with them.

Your Sil does not sound like a kind person - it's good that you are so aware that you are going to step back from the relationship.

OP

Here’s the thing you don’t get anything back from being kind . Your latest example is a classic ! I unfollowed my SIL in Facebook that reallly helped actually now I follow again as that episode has passed . But I advise you to unfollow immediately

Unfollow her . And so fucking what if she has problems ? You do too . I do ! Just because you are related you are not responsible for them my dear

It’s painful but if you detract it WILL get easier

Folks who are saying they can't understand why people have called the OP stalkerish or suffocating....

Surely you can understand that 2people in an exchange can feel differently about an interaction, yes?

So whilst the OP's behaviour might be interpreted as "nice" and "considerate" if this level of communication is wanted.... It's just as valid to interpret it as weird and cloying if it's not.

Neither of us are right or wrong.

But the SIL clearly isn't reciprocating the way OP wants, so there's a chance she sees it as the latter.

You folks saying the OP is being nice don't have dibs on the truth here! Because that's down to how the recipient feels about her behaviour.

And for me, I'd be running a mile from someone who I had little in common with and was contacting me more often than my own best friend, and asking about lots of personal stuff (regarding work meetings which might be confidential and I wouldn't want to talk work in any detail during my private relaxing time seeing family, regarding how I'm feeling if I seem down and so on!). I reserve that for close friends, and it's ok to do so. It does not make me or the SIL abad person!

Agbnb - are you the sil??!!

So what if she is? She's merely making the point that what looks caring and involved to one person is stifling and intrusive to another. The polarised responses on this thread indicate the same thing. OP is one person, SIL is another. I don't think this makes SIL a bad person. We don't know her side of things.

What, just because I'm urging the OP to consider how her actions can be interpreted in multiple different ways, that suggests I'm the target of this post

I don't think she's my SIL, no. But I have had a suffocating friend who didn't understand that just because she was still on maternity leave didn't mean we both had as much free time, and that led to some awkward situations, so I recognize when we'll intentioned behaviour can become cloying to the recipient.

What I'm finding interesting here is that those supporting the OP are all in the "but she's lovely, kind, caring, supportive" camp, who is unfortunate enough to be stuck with a SIL who is selfish, a taker, unpleasant and a user.

HUGE judgment here, along with everything else that goes with this - much resentment, silent plotting & scheming (I'll back off and see how she likes it then!).

Those on the 'other' side for want of a better way of separating the camps are simply saying that the OP's attentions are not wanted, interfering and intrusive. Not personally judgmental, just saying the behaviour is inappropriate.

I've practically given up talking to my relative about stuff now because her reaction is similar to the OP's. I don't want advice or flowers or a text or a phone call or an inquisition about what happened next. Sometimes I just want a rant and for someone to say "yes, that does sound shit, poor you. Now I need to go and put he kids to bed. Talk soon!"

The thing is, though, angnb, that the SIL calls the OP as well, and offloads. She's hardly giving her a clear message to back off, is she? She's at liberty not to answer the phone, too, if she wants less contact.

That's how I handle my MIL when she becomes too pushy.

And just for clarity, I'm not saying that the OP isn't kind or caring or supportive.

“Disingenuous? No.”

That’s not the way it works OP. You don’t get to tell others what impression they form based on your writing.

Have to say, I agree with angnb

I'm surprised people have reported my post. I'm not sure why people think the op is so fragile that she can't possibly cope with someone's opinion. The op has already said that sil has lots of freinds and is outgoing and chatty.

Has anyone reported all the derogatory comments about sil, what a bitch she is and how socially inept she is? If not why not?

I think RogueBiscuit has a few issues in life and even less friends!

What a stupid thing to say.