Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

Is she married to your DB or is she your DH’s sister? Either was your OP does make you sound over invested I’m afraid. It would freak me out if either of my sil contacted me that much . She doesn’t have to be friends with you.

vinny

I agree with what Barbie222 said. She is obviously lacking in social skills and you seem a very nice person. I would just carry on the way you are, tbh. No need to drop to her level. You are clearly the better person.

Thanks bio. Tbh I think it all stems back to an argument we had when we first met. I can't remember the specifics of the argument but she accused me of not appreciating the efforts she had gone to for something. In my opinion, and this still stands, I'd genuinely done nothing wrong. The accusation came totally out of the blue and the row was awful. Also heard her then slanging me off to her mate. This was ages and ages ago but I think this is where my insecurity stems from.

No, you don't have to be friends. Weekly calls! I have a lovely SIL. We see each other three times a year and speak on the phone once or twice (to arrange visits usually).

Why make such an effort, especially if it's so one sided?

Step back.

Tbh i would actually love if my sil was this nice. I have tired with her and got nothing back. I gave up. She never texts to ask about dh, ds or me. And we no longer text her.
She may also be taking advantage. Ie. @Vinny will always be there to listen/ make me feel better/ help.
Look after you and your family and let her do the running if she choses to.

You sounds very lovely, Vinny

Slagging *

She is a bigger 'character' than me. I often feel inferior around her. We are married to two brothers to answer a PP. She has lots of close friends and is always messaging them and chatting. I guess I just thought I was a close friend too when in actual fact, if it came down to it,she is not somebody I'd naturally socialise with.

Thanks for all your replies. Even the harsher ones Worth getting all perspectives. I can assure you all I'm not a lunatic stalker, just somebody who has given far too much of a shit for far too long.

Otters - not martyr like I'm afraid. More like 'trying not to get it wrong' after I did all those years ago I think. Also the calls and gifts etc are not squashed into the space of like a week!! Over 10years!!!

I think your updates have made the issue clearer - you've been trying to make up for that first meeting ever since, and you have thought that by trying really hard, she'll treat you better. But the thing is, she hasn't and she won't. Honestly, just leave her to it now. You've given it a really good try and that's great.

I get on well with my SiL. We chat occasionally on facebook. I like her photos and vice versa. I never send her presents and she doesn't send me any either. When we meet, we would bring something small for each other. we talk on the phone maybe twice a year. We aren't friends, but nor are we strangers. I suggest you aim for something similar.

I think its pretty clear that she doesn;t see you as a friend and she doesnt have to. You are way too overinvested and you are expecting to get back everything you give, but she didn't ask for any of it. You say thoughtful gifts multiple times, but they aren't thoughtful when people don't want them and know you expect it all back when they don't want to. Pastoral stuff? She's not asked for your guidance or attention.

it all sounds super weird and not a little stalkery.

You do sound really kind but in the nicest possible way I would back off and just accept that it is what it is. I’m much closer to DH’s sister than I am to the sil married to DH’s brother - feels like more of a sisterly relationship rather than someone who DH brother married IYSWIM?

You admit if you didn’t know her through the two DB she wouldn’t be the type of person you would be your friend. She doesn’t want to have the same level of friendship your after.

You sound very kind and thoughtful but I agree the best idea would be to back off to be honest and use your efforts somewhere where they will be appreciated.

Think you're right ItsNice (how do you highlight somebody's name in bold). It is time now to take a step back. Drives DH up the wall. All the minutes spent worrying about the dynamics of our relationship. Waste of fucking time. Sorry for drip feeding. Didn't think I'd have to provide more context.

Re: pastoral stuff. Few months back she phoned me in bits about her best mate who was on verge of, what she thought, was a breakdown of some sort. She was very concerned and needed to offload as Fri was in denial and not listening to her. I listened to her and suggested ways she coukd get through to her friend. Couple of days later I text her asking if there were any further updates with her friend - had she been to dr etc. Don't think that is stalker ish behaviour!!!

Look, op, she's telling you with her actions that it's (being close friends) not something she values, or has time for, or can/chooses to pursue, back off!
Try it for a while (and don't do it in an obvious huffy way), see how it goes.

You sound suffocating for me, I don't want that level of contact from my dearest friends, nvm the woman my brother chose to marry.

You said yourself that you have nothing much in common!

Vinny love, at no point have you come across as a stalker 😂
I'd love to have a SIL like you.
I think it's time for you to take a big step backwards, doesn't sound like she's really your cup of tea.🍷🍷

Stop with the gifts and send a text once a week or two.

I don't think she's into having a friendship with you.

It sounds like you've spent the last decade subconsciously trying to people-please your way into her good books to avoid another ugly row - and she probably knows it. She's not better than you just because she's a bigger personality! Just concentrate on genuine friendships closer to home with people you don't feel intimidated by and stick to the casual contact with SIL. She really doesn't sound like she's worth all the anxiety.

The fact your driving your dh up the wall over analysising this relationship with this woman shows your far too invested. You admit she’s not someone you normally would be friends with.

It sounds like your aol is backing off and you haven't taken the hint.

I wouldn't bother ring in.Just send gifts birthdays and Christmas