Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

I think you sound lovely. I don't have a SIL as DP is an only child but I would love one like you!

These kind of threads always fascinate me a bit. I think unless someone is offensive or nasty, why would anyone be ‘unfriendly’ because ‘that’s the way it is’ and ‘they just want a very distant, cool relationship’ (these aren’t actual quotes of anyone from this thread obviously, but similar has been said/ implied.)

I was brought up to be NICE and FRIENDLY to people unless they have done something to warrant otherwise. No, you’re not always going to like everyone you meet, you’re not always going to be best friends with everyone you meet, but for fuck sake it’s not hard to keep things ‘friendly’ with people that you have to see a lot (I.e SIL/BIL etc) even if you don’t see them a lot, chances are when you do see them it may be for an extended period of time. Life would be a lot easier if people actually tried to get along when they are together, hell, maybe even have a few drinks and try and have a ‘laugh’
ecery now and again?!

That doesn’t mean trying to be best friends with everyone, it doesn’t mean ringing them regularly (which is uncalled for IMO) and sending them gifts and expecting them to be reciprocated etc. It just means being FRIENDLY and TRYING to get to know them when you see them. Instead of this ‘I have no interest in so and so, and when I see them I am just polite, but cool and distant.’ ‘You would do my head in with your friendliness, I’d cut you off too’ attitudes.

How the fuck were you all brought up?! Why do people set out to deliberately be disinterested and aloof to people, just because they’re trying to show them some friendship?!

It’s the same with my SIL, never in 5.5 years has she ever made any effort to make conversation with me. She will say a ‘polite and cool’ hello and that’s it. This is excruciating when I’m forced to bloody spend a weekend with her or whatever. I used to make the effort to try and engage her in conversation, to ask about her and her life but as it’s never been reciprocated, I’ve given up. She’s still as rude to me now so backing off completely hasn’t worked either. I can only conclude she doesn’t like me but seeing as she’s been like this from the minute I was introduced to her, I know it’s nothing I’ve done/ said, she hated me on sight.

It does upset me and makes for VERY awkward ‘family gatherings’ I suspect she’s one of the ‘Im polite and civil but that’s it’ brigade on here

I’d take a step back, unfortunately she doesn’t sound interested in your life. I hardly ever see or hear from my SIL, though they are v nice, just that we are all busy in our own lives.

My SIL is like this but a billion times worse - she does doesnt like me and i dont know why i keep trying - i suppose its because it my only borthers wife and i so desperately want us to get on. Will never happen. I dont even think she congratulated me when i gave birth the two times [Sad]

OP, it's good that you accept that people don't necessarily want the attention you're giving your sister in law, but, for your own sake, try not to be quite so huffy about it. She's not into being friends. You don't really like her, she's probably not so crazy about you either. She doesn't owe you for the time and effort you decided to lavish on her.

Just let it be.

Thank you whisky, heron and Makehay

Unless you really get on, I find it’s best to treat extended family members like how you would treat work colleagues. Be perfectly polite and nice to them when you meet up, even go out to lunch at times but don’t involve yourself in their life and vice versa.

Good advice.
I'm not sure the majority of the posters here are advocating deliberate unfriendliness and lots of us have picked up on the SILs poor social skills, self centred behaviour and wish to have support only on her terms.

It's just that lots of people already have very busy lives and feel that unasked for pastoral stuff is unnecessary, with an undertone of "look how I do it if you are struggling to cope." There's a certain luxury in actually having the headspace and time to involve yourself this much in other people's lives.

If you already have a lot on your plate you can surely see that is irritating, especially if it comes from someone who has more in the way of free time / money / support to choose how she spends her time than you do.

Huffy?! Don't think I've been huffy at all. Just trying to understand.

Makehay, someone who gets it at last!!! Nice to be nice. The attitude that so.e have, the "you're an overbearing busybody PITA." I found that sad really. I'm totally not. But when fir example she phones me one night wittering on about work stresses and how she hates her job, is it so wrong to then follow up with a quick text saying 'hows work? Hope such and such has settled down.' Our phone conversations are often very one sided.

I know you can't see the huffy tone, but things like saying you'd rather be like you than like her does sound more like a flounce than a gentle acceptance.

It seems you've misread your relationship as friendship (which is why you are annoyed/disappointed she doesn't reciprocate)

Time to 're-label' your relationship and lower your expectations (she sounds like a very self involved 'taker' anyway, so no great loss)

Barbie, I get it. I do. I guess the relationship is one-sided. I do the giving and she does the taking. I have a very good memory for conversations, dates and anecdotes and I'm caring enough to follow things up with people. I guess this may be viewed as irritating but I'm not going to change. I've spoken to my dad about all this sort of thing before and he says I give too much to too many. Including parents.

You sound very focused on what you do for people and how dreadful they are for not replying in kind.

You are saying that you won't change, but why not? It doesn't sound like you're helping yourself and if you've been having this conversation about how you're a giver to the point of annoyance with your husband and admission that he's not good enough from your father, maybe it's time to ask who is feeling the benefit?

A flounce? Agree to disagree!

Lower expectations is exactly what DH has told me to do and then I won't be disappointed. Also like the idea of re-labelling relationship.

SIL has lots of friends and the 'flavour of the week/month' changes. I asked DH how she has so many friends. We're still unsure. Perhaps they don't take her shit and she doesn't treat them in this one-sided way.

I'm going to change dusty but only for me and the people who give a shit about me. SIL and the other cheeky fucks who take, take, take. Well they won't get as much of my busybodying ways! Had similiar with bridesmaid. We were very close, obviously as she was my bridesmaid. Then I slowly realised all she did was take. Lifts here, money lent there, favours here, food prepared. She had a real tough time with her parents and I was really there for her. Few years later the shit hit the fan in my life. No phonecalls. Nothing. We still send odd message on Facebook or text but can't be arsed now. Guess I feel I need to try more with SIL as we coincide far more.

Just read that again and see whether you detect the resentment I can hear. You are quite an angry person, possibly it's justified, but burying it in niceness isn't good for you.

Some mean responses. For what it’s worth I’d love you as my SIL and I’d reciprocate. It’s not stalkerish to care. Just sounds like she doesn’t deserve you to me

Angry? OK dusty. Whatever you say. Can't help but think people are being deliberately antagonistic now. I'm probably angry for being taken for a mug.

midnightmisssuki
The more you do for this kind of person the nastier they will get. Try detaching and being aloof.

Dh used to have a big group of friends he met through work - men, women, couples etc. I got on fine with the men. The nicer I was to the women in the group (the women ran the show) the more horrible they were to me and about me. Jealous you see and wanted dh all to themselves. Nasty, bitchy and don’t care who they hurt. The only way with people like this is to detach.

Vinny
It’s fine to be angry. It’s good to let it out you see. Now that you know better you can do better. And honour yourself first and foremost.

You sound like you'd be a brilliant friend for a normal person who understood reciprocity. Find better people to whom to give your love and care, and cut your losses with those who are all one way reducing the relationship to one of polite friendliness. You don't need permission or validation to do that, you are allowed to choose as an adult!

You've taken it well on here, Op. Especially given that you describe yourself as a bit anxious and insecure. Fwiw, I think you sound lovely. The part that isn't working is the one where you focus on your SIL who only happens to be in your life. Your efforts would be perfect with a good friend. Anyone who doesn't see that just isn't on the same page. You'd be someone who I could choose as a close friend. Keep going - just not with her

Isn't this what families do?

Not in all families, no. You sound very family-oriented - lots of people really are only close to their nuclear family.

I am not in touch with any cousins, aunts or uncles. Grandparents are all long dead. Same on DH’s side. This idea of hanging out with your extended family is completely alien to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people who are different, but if my SIL started ringing me or sending me gifts I would worry she was getting ill (she has bipolar).

For comparison, I last texted one SIL (DH’s sister) in Dec re Christmas plans. Before that was in July. We do like each other’s posts on Facebook, and I see her with DH, DC and DFIL every couple of months. I’m not sure ai actually have my other SIL’s (DBro’s wife) phone number but we are FB friends. I like both SILs perfectly well, but a SIL is not a close relative in my book.

If that’s the kind of relationship your SIL is expecting, can you see that your level of contact would be a bit much for her and she would try to pull back a bit?

You sound like you'd be a brilliant friend for a normal person who understood reciprocity. Find better people to whom to give your love and care

oh enough with this flannel! Normal person? Normal people actually form friendships, they don't batter away at people forcing gifts and calls on them and try and force them to be friends.
If OP was man you'd all be screaming stalker weirdo at her!

OP, its nice to be nice to your friends, and friendships are best when they are equal. Your SIL is not your friend and does not have to be. She does not owe you "pastoral care". She does not have to reciprocate in a friendship you have invented.

Bit harsh cantu but you're entitled your opinion. FWIW I don't force anything on her. It's more like she forces me to listen to her shite on the phone and then not think to ask how we are. Batter away at people. I'm not a fucking fish!

You’re doing all the running in this relationship, OP, strikes me that your sil just doesn’t really care. I would stop putting in the effort/any effort. You’re getting nothing back