Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

Just wait for her to text / call you, you don’t need to text or call her all the time

Thanks very much to all who have replied. Like I've said, I've got perspective on this now. I don't necessarily agree with everyone and I think some of you have been unnecessarily rude. I am insecure. I suffer with anxiety and I have taken medication for this for a long time. I try too hard and perhaps that is stifling. But I'm trying to do my best. After the big row we had all those years ago, that I absolutely didn't see coming at all, it has left me unsure at times as to where I am with her. So that's why I struggle and I over compensate. I wouldn't say I don't like SIL but we are very different. As I've said, I'm going to give it all some distance. Despite some of the blunter replies, I've learnt a fair bit and seen things from another view point. Thank you all. I'm off to prepare for a job interview after I've got kids in bed.

I don’t know what’s wrong with some people on this thread. Calling you a stalker etc. Get a grip! It’s her SIL, it’s called ‘making an effort’.

Not once did I think you were being a stalker or being OTT. What you have been doing is what most NORMAL people do. Making an effort with your SIL so she feels part of the family. Trying to include her and show her support and understanding when times are a bit shittier. That’s what people with empathy and a conscience do. Unfortunately you’re the only one making an effort. Doesn’t make you a stalker or a weirdo, it makes you a decent person who is trying to be nice.

Clearly your SIL is a bit self involved, so I’d just start taking a bit of a step back and doing a bit less.

If she does make any comment or questions you on this at any point then you can explain why you’ve backed off - that you’ve made all the effort and she makes none. Turn her own words around on her and let go of that guilt you feel from years ago.

Thanks browneyes. Some replies do feel a bit harsh but posting on MN and in particular AIBU, leaves you open to people enjoying being blunt. But it's helped.

I have just tried to include her, build relationships as rest of in-laws are all close. But it is one-sided for whatever reason. It may be that I irritate the shit out if her but the bottom line is that I'm going to leave her to it a bit more. She won't notice and I doubt she'll care as she's so involved in her own little world. 2018 is my year to not suffer fools, not be a mug and stand up for myself a bit more.

I think she phones you to sound off as you've shown you'll listen with no (apparent) expectation of anything in return. I'm sure she doesn't expect follow up calls etc, as to her, in that moment of wanting to sound off, you are simply a convenient listening ear. She could phone the speaking clock for the amount of interest she has in the person on the other end of line.

Listen to your husband and family more than anyone on here: they know you, they know her, and they can see things as they are.

You definitely need to take a step back though. No more gifts and concern unless this is something you want to do for your own pleasure and not out of expectation of anything in return.

X post!

Back off being so interested in her life. Do you need to know how her work meeting went. If she wants you to know she'll phone you. She obviously one of the talkers not a listener in life.

My brothers fiancée isn’t my favourite person, in fact I can’t stand her for various reasons. However, despite that I still try and offer support or keep my door open for her if she feels she needs a friend. I still buy her Xmas and birthday presents, send cards, drop her messages to see how things she’s been dealing with, have gone. Because regardless of what I think about her, my brother loves her and wants to be with her. And they have a child together. So I make the effort for my brothers and nephews sake. Does she do the same for me? No. I’m past caring now, as I know she’s a different person to me. And the relationship you and your SIL is like this. Your a Giver and she’s a Taker.

I’ve learned to take a step back. I do the minimum these days. Send birthday cards, Xmas pressies. But I rarely contact her for anything unless it’s something specific I need to ask her about (rare).

You need to stop feeling guilty about past events. Whatever she thought you’d done, you clearly didn’t do it intentionally (if at all). You can’t pay for mistakes forever, give yourself a break and realise that you’ve done enough over the years to show her she was wrong.

You’ve answered your own question: why DO you bother? Just back off and spend more time with people who you get something positive from

Good luck with your interview

You’ve just described my brother. You have my sympathies. I now only contact him for family things he needs to know, he’ll still prattle on about him and him only. Never known anyone so I interested in nothing but themselves.

Thanks lurking!

Browneyes - summarised very well. She is exactly that. Be careful though, all those birthday cards sound a bit "stalker-like" to me. Joking before anyone starts again!!!

Believe it or not, this thread has really helped. Head feels clearer about it all than it has done in a long time.

OP I was thinking about your thread today

Sounds like you have been unkindly comparing yourself to her . With regards to her having ‘friends ‘ and her position in the family . You sound like a kind SIL

But it sounds like it taking up an inordinate amount of your time and attention and it’s such a waste ! I promise you that if you cut back (bar birthdays and family do) and focus on you and doing things you like over the months you will feel a lot better

Be careful though, all those birthday cards sound a bit "stalker-like" to me. Joking before anyone starts again!!!

To be honest she hasn’t had a birthday card or present off me in years now. Only thing I do is just get a joint Xmas card for the pair of them and get her a little something. Never spend much. Would rather spend my hard earned cash on my little nephew

In fact Xmas just gone she got a recycled present that someone at work bought me that I didn’t want. So it cost me zero pounds 😂

Geordie / what a spiteful post

I think you sound like a great sil. Shocked at these comments even for aibu. You show an interest in her life and you make cake!! Totally sold on you. Maybe take a step back from messaging her. See if she gets in touch with you.

I think you sound nice OP. And I can relate to your issue. I have three sisters in law who each talk incessantly about themselves. We've been through a lot in the last few years and none of them helped (if only to provide a listening ear). I've listened to them rattle on for hours about their problems - I've been drained by them. And I won't get those hours back.. Like you I'm going to try and disengage - stop giving them so much head space!

Do you realise just how smug and up yourself you sound, OP? If you were my sister in law I would run a mile from such a controlling, self-satisfied bore

I don’t think she sounds smug or up herself at all.

I do think you sound rude, nasty and spiteful however.

I don't think OP sounds smug or up herself. I do think she sounds insincere in her interactions with her SIL and I'd be surprised if SIL didn't pick up on it, which might explain things.

Stopfucking, it has taken an inordinate amount of time. So I'm taking control back and not bothering. Thing is, I can do it for a while and then I find myself feeling really guilty. What's happened in the past when I've purposefully drifted a but is that the next time we've spoken she'll share anecdotes and sometimes stories of kids being really ill or trouble at work or PIL being unhappy or a big row with so and so and I end up feeling bad/guilty that I've not 'been there.'
A few years back she waa having issues with work, kids, life so I dropped off some favourite biscuits and wine as a way of support. Few hours elapse and there's a gushing post on Facebook about how touched she was to receive a 'random act of kindness' present from Tracey (for example, not real name), full of her favourite items of food and drink. I eventually got a "oh thanks for the wine" a few hours after. I know there'll be some people jumping on now saying 'well she thanked you what more do you want?'

Op ,you sound like a lovely person ..I’d love to have a sil like you !

To the posters who think you’re overly invested and stalking , can they tell me why your sil contacts you and tells you all about her life??? If she was soo disinterested then she wouldn’t be speaking to you about her personal life and would avoid all phone calls and messages too! She sounds like a selfish twat to be honest !!

This is what is wrong with the world nowadays- it’s not even acceptable to be nice anymore !! I can’t beleive that a few sour grapes are actually calling you awful names for being nice !

Just leave her alone OP- I’m sure she will have lots of other friends who will listen to her talk about her self and not reciprocate! There are loads of people alike on here if she can’t find any !

OP I think you sound lovely, but are just yet to make the close circle of friends that your SIL has, that would make you less invested in your friendship with her (and less hung up on the guilt factor).

Note that extended family dynamics are quite fluid too. Mine have been quite soap opera over the last decade. I had a very matriarchal MIL and went from being the 'favourite' to being majorly 'usurped' by a new SIL, to the detriment of our friendship.

Fast forward to the present and, due to some major family ructions, MIL has (finally) had to take a back seat and me and my two SILs subsequently get on brilliantly!

I suspect your time will come eventually!