Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

I don't think its harsh. I think the people saying revolting things about a woman just because she doesn't want to be bosom buddies with you are the harsh ones.
She doesn't force you to listen to her on the phone, you choose to. Don't do it if you don't want to.

For all you "give" her, you sure have a lot of nasty things to say about her life preferences. Why do you care about her friendships and whether or not she likes material things?

Do you think she's stewing right now over whether or not you're materialistic and how your friendships run?

I think cantucci might be your SIL, Amy!!

Oh here we go again! Let's all jump on the bandwagon and get all holier than thou. I've read all your replies. It's helped it really has but the attitude that some of you write with. Jeez....My plan is gradual distance, see if she notices or gives a shit. Doubt she will. Then I'm gonna get my big girl pants on and move on. I might actually find people worth busybodying over!

But when fir example she phones me one night wittering on about work stresses and how she hates her job, is it so wrong to then follow up with a quick text saying 'hows work? Hope such and such has settled down.'

I’m confused as to what you want. You complain that the conversation is one sided and she’s “wittering on” but then you’re messaging her asking her for more information about what’s going on in her life!

It seems very unfair to me that you’re giving her the impression that you care and are interested in her when actually you’re resentful and moaning about her behind her back. You say you don’t give to receive but it sounds to me like you’re giving in the hope of receiving friendship/affection and then getting bitter that it’s not happening.

I feel sorry for your SIL. I think if you can’t have a genuine and honest relationship with her you should back off, find other friends and leave her alone.

It's clear from some of the responses here that some posters are more like your SIL and don't understand.

The problem is that people understand very well indeed. They just don't agree that being artificially nice and thoughtful towards people you dislike is something that fosters good relations.

Arrggghh - you are a bit full on. My SIL is part of the family and I like her. When we are at family dos she and I tend to band together for mutual strength. I'd have a fit if she started calling me to check on me or sending me flowers. She is my husbands brothers partner not my bestie. She's been my SIL 8 years and she and I have never had a chatty phone call. Occasionally we talk about Xmas prezzies for the kids or who is going to what family event and when. We don't send one another birthday cards - I have no idea when her birthday is.

I'd love to have a SIL like you OP, I struggle with relationships courtesy of autism and such a structured approach would benefit me greatly. My SIL is very unapproachable and quite clearly doesn't like me very much...

In terms of being unreasonable it's certainly a lot of effort to make for no reciprocation and I'm not talking gifts I mean emotional or supportiveness. I would certainly back off a lot if only to save yourself the stress.

Oh darkstar... You feel sorry for her. If only you knew!!

And those of you who don't speak to your SIL much on the phone and Cath who doesn't send birthday cards, do you all live near each other?

I can see how it looks a bit hypocritical - wanting contact but then resenting it. But what I'd like is reciprocated contact and interest and that isn't going to happen and I can see why now. So I'm going to move on. I don't see why some of you seem to want to be rude about it. "You're a bit full on" or "you sound like a nightmare." I'm really not.

Some people just see AIBU as a change to be contrary in a bitchy way. Others offer advice that might sometimes sound a bit blunt but is helpful and thoughtful. Don't let it get to you. You've made a good decision to stop sweating this relationship and focus on other ones with people who are more conducive.

Cheers whiskyowl. You're right re AIBU.

Well that is one way to dismiss any opinions you don't like, isn't it?

Yep!

Vinny, why have you asked the question in the first place? I'm aghast as the way you're responding to posters who don't feel the same way as you do and it's starting to grate.

My posts to you were measured, not personal in any way and yet you seem to be colluding with posters who are patting you on the head with a patronising 'there, there' or 'wish you were my SIL' type posts. The fact is that people are different and just as you say that you're not prepared to change, you must accept that other people will not change either.

I don't much appreciate the snotty insinuations from other posters that I've been brought up badly because I'm not like them. I'm not like your SIL either. I wouldn't be ringing you with tales of woe, that's not my way. You'd absolutely know where you stood with me - polite and civil - but not friends. I'm not 'friends' with either of my SILs but if they needed something, I would do it in a flash. I don't expect anything from them, I'm an independent adult and that's how I like it.

You want more from people than they want to give you. That is the crux of it. Carry on if you like, your SIL will not mind - but she will not pander to your needs and if you continue to pander to her then that's on you.

Aghast? Oh please. My responses have been measured to all responses up until now. Now the people who are being deliberately antagonistic are beginning to grate. I've asked the question and I've listened, really I have. I don't agree with everyone but I've got the perspective I needed. Those of you now fishing for reactions will have to go to another pond.

I would leave her alone. My sister in law has never rung me and I would find it rather odd if she did . Nor are more presents needed in life although your cakes do sound very nice. She has her own life - leave catching up to family events when you see each other - and then you will both have something to talk about.

Unless you were friends before you were married to a pair of brothers I don’t think you need to get that involved. I don’t speak to my SIL (who is married to my brother) that often, we chat at family gatherings, interact a bit on Facebook but are not in any way close, she’s married to my brother, not me! I think you’re expecting way more interaction than she can or wants to give.

I'm happy to leave you to trawl your pond, OP. You and I would not get on beyond superficial politeness and - other than your SIL seeking your counsel which I don't understand - I can actually see her point. She isn't the one struggling to get on with people.

My SIL is like this. Only interested in talking about herself.
When something awful happened to us she still found a way to make it about her.
Low contact now. Much better.

Indeed hula, sums mine up...me, me, me.

If you dislike her so much, why are you so obsessed with her?

Does your husbands brother send you thoughtful gifts and phone you during difficult times?

Only got as far as p.3
Op, how do I put this nicely...? Do you have any other friends? Or are you this "pastoral" to everyone?
One would hope that most of your energy is being put into your family and people who reciprocate. To be honest you sound a bit insecure, like you are trying to be noticed by one of the "popular girls at school".

Honestly, try and get on with your own life and just see her at family do's.

Will admit to having commited the cardinal sin of not having RTFT.

So, in light of that, I would say that she isn't really interested in having the type of relationship that involves mid week phonecalls to say hi; phone calls to see how a meeting the previous day went; flowers when there's been a hard time...

I'm sure you mean well, but even reading your op was stifling!

She has tried ignoring you and you haven't taken the hint. I largely suspect that she has said to one of her actual friends, "WTF do I do?" and the friend has said, "Give her what she wants. If she asks how a meeting went, give her it all, chapter and verse. If she asks how you all are, give the the full rundown, warts and all". In the hope that you'd lose interest and stop asking.

The reason she's not reciprocating the questions is because it's too much and she doesn't give a shit about the minutae of your life.

I really like my SIL but, despite she and my brother having been together for over 10 years, we have only had coffee together without him once. And that was earlier this year. It was nice. But she is not my friend. I think you're way to overinvested in their lives.

I don't think she's one of lifes takers, I just think she isn't interested in having the type of relationship with you that you want with her.