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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we have to be friends?

265 replies

VinnyTheVagina · 15/01/2018 18:02

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

OP posts:
PeacefulBlessing · 17/01/2018 18:35

Yeah, I'm not sure why RogueBiscuit was reported either.

The most shocking thing about her post was the incorrect 'your' Wink

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 18:51

The difference is that, as far as we know, the SIL isn't on here to be hurt. The OP is, posters should realise that there are real people behind their keyboards with feelings to be hurt. It's not rocket science, you can't offend someone who's not on here. Your post was horribly rude, RogueBiscuit, there's no need to be abusive just because you disagree with the OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/01/2018 18:54

I don't know why your post was deleted either, RogueBiscuit. Everybody who has posted on this thread has done so in support of the OP but that doesn't mean that support comes in the form of cheerleading. The mawkish and sycophantic posters on this thread have done a disservice to the OP.

The word 'abusive' is so overused on here and in the wrong place that it ceases to mean much.

RogueBiscuit, I would ask MNHQ about your post. I don't think they always have time to read them they just respond to reports and if there are enough 'cheerleaders' reporting then it goes. Pathetic.

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 19:01

RogueBiscuit's post wasn't deleted anyway. It's still there. She's just complaining that a couple of us said that we reported her. I don't apologise for reporting it, I thought it crossed the line in that it was unnecessarily unkind to the OP. There's disagreeing and there's deliberately belittling, I really don't understand why some posters like to do that? Do you get off on upsetting someone who has said she's actually quite anxious??

DriggleDraggle · 17/01/2018 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/01/2018 19:05

I think 'some posters', as you like to use that term Lizzie48 are sensitive to what is being said because they recognise themselves in it and the truth smarts. Nobody has been mean on this thread and actually, the fact that you and others are reporting and the post stays, says quite a lot, doesn't it?

Your comment about people 'getting off on upsetting somebody who is anxious' is nauseating and inflammatory.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 17/01/2018 19:06

**I think RogueBiscuit has a few issues in life and even less friends!

What a stupid thing to say.**

I think you were a bit over the top and seemed way to angry about someone who is thoughtful.

I didn't, however, report you. You're entitled to be as angry as you want and have your opinion.

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 19:08

Nauseating and inflammatory?? I think the truth hurts, doesn't it? I'm not backing down on what I've said. The OP isn't as bad as some of you are insinuating.

ShiftyMcGifty · 17/01/2018 19:13

Says you. Fine. But not ok to try to shut down other opinions that differ to you and suggest they’re abusive.

And you’ve no fucking clue to who the OP is, just like us.

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 19:16

I don't mind alternative opinions. The OP could well be annoying for all I know. But you don't know that. I get the impression some of you like to think the worst about people, which I think is sad. Your posts possibly weren't abusive, but they were unnecessarily angry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/01/2018 19:26

You don't think that to say somebody is 'getting off on upsetting somebody' isn't a vile thing to say? That says a lot about you, not the posters in question.

You don't know the truth, nor do I, nor does anybody here. We don't know each other and we don't know the OP. We're posting to a scenario.

I personally hope that OP takes not of the non-head patters because it's better to get a perspective on how the SIL might be feeling so that OP doesn't put herself in harm's way, ie. having her feelings hurt time and again. The head-patters are taking that away from her by validating her continued anguish.

Still takes all sorts to make a chatboard.

Original poster
VinnyTheVagina · 17/01/2018 19:32

Jesus Christ, are you lot still at it?

Do you know what's so ironic? SIL has found out on grapevine about my interview and the fact that DH is unwell and has sent me a message asking how interview was. Nearly fell off the fucking chair!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 19:35

Ok, I do apologise for saying that, maybe it was too strong. But it's something I've seen on Mumsnet, that people seem to be competing to see who can be the most direct, and they forget that there's a real person to be hurt. I'm sorry for falling into that trap myself.

You all have a point, that the OP needs to back off, I said as much myself. But it's not as clearcut as you're suggesting, as the SIL calls her as well to offload. Suggesting that she's like a teenager trying to be close to the popular girl was harsh and, imo, abusive, sorry.

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2018 19:37

That's great, OP, sounds like you're both muddling through, as families usually do, and you were simply worrying too much. Smile

iMogster · 17/01/2018 19:57

You sound lovely Vinny, I'd like to swap my SIL with you!

When I first met my SIL 12 years ago, I was hoping for a close sister like relationship, we both have a brother but no sister. I put in all the effort and got very little back. I gradually gave less and came to the sad realisation that she didn't want that. We get on amazing when we see each other about 4 times a year, but that's it. We have same sense of humour and a lot in common. Seems a shame, but needs to be 2 way.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/01/2018 20:28

Hahaha Sod’s law OP

RogueBiscuit · 17/01/2018 23:57

I don't apologise for reporting it, I thought it crossed the line in that it was unnecessarily unkind to the OP. There's disagreeing and there's deliberately belittling, I really don't understand why some posters like to do that? Do you get off on upsetting someone who has said she's actually quite anxious??

You don't think posts referring to a family member as a bitch, unkind, socially inept are belittling? How about inviting somebody to call you to discuss an issue then describing them as wittering on and talking shite? Because I'd say that's deeply unpleasant and hurtful. I suspect you would too, if you were on the receiving end of that behaviour.

As for kindness, I don't think it is kind to validate someone's feelings that they are a victim when they are not. The op has been very clear, sil is outgoing and chatty with lots of friends, and the op has taken on a pastoral role which appears to encourage sil to discuss the negative things in her life. There can not be a friendship where someone has taken on a pastoral role.

Original poster
VinnyTheVagina · 18/01/2018 01:37

FFS

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2018 04:35

Well that’s good she asked. As others have said and you’ve agreed, perhaps just be less intense. I’d have been so happy with a normal relationship with my brother and sil and may be you can get that. Now time to see if you can reduce some of your anxiety perhaps?

Lizzie48 · 18/01/2018 07:34

You must have read the update, RogueBiscuit. Clearly the SIL doesn't really dislike her. It's a case of having a moan about a family member. And it's much better to do it on here anonymously than to someone in RL who might want to stir the pot.

I bet she's regretting using the word 'pastoral', though, that's what turned this into a bun fight.

But you will need to accept your SIL for who she is and not try to change her, OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/01/2018 08:18

Agree with RogueBiscuit - again.

Lizzie48, you're continuing to speak for the OP, putting your slant on things and presenting them as fact in the way you're posting to others. They aren't. I don't know if you're noticed, but the OP is capable of speaking for herself.

Your comment that posters mentioning 'popularity' as being abusive is insulting to those who abused. An opinion that differs from yours doesn't make it abusive.

My observation from her posts is that OP's nose is a bit out of joint because SIL has a very good relationship with MIL. She doesn't mention her own but if it were on par, it wouldn't be mentioned at all, would it?

=====

What I've noticed is that the terms that OP describes herself in are completely at odds with the truculent way that she's posting herself and it does give me some idea of how she might be coming across in RL.

whiskyowl · 18/01/2018 08:22

This thread is making me so glad that BIL and his partner are absolutely lovely and not standoffishly polite.

Glad you've had some positive contact from yours, Vinny.

Lizzie48 · 18/01/2018 09:31

I have actually suffered serious abuse as a child, and I've been bullied, so maybe it's me projecting, I could be guilty of that. So I'd be insulting myself in that case, wouldn't I?

Maybe I'm putting my own slant on it, but then so is everyone. It's turned out that the SIL doesn't dislike her at all, judging by OP's last post.

Original poster
VinnyTheVagina · 18/01/2018 09:35

I don't think she dislikes me. I'm godparent to one of her boys. I think she tolerates me!!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/01/2018 10:58

I mean this kindly, Lizzie, but you'd be insulting me too, and anybody else who has suffered abuse but we all project sometimes.

I don't think OP's SIL dislikes her either, they are just different people with different expectations and the person who wants something is the one who puts themselves 'out there'. Indifference is not the same as dislike. For me, the trick is to recognise it and reign it in so that my investment in the relationship doesn't become out of balance.

Currently I think OPs relationship with her SIL is very much out of balance and that's why she's hurt. If OP can pull it back to the level that SIL is happy with then the relationship should be happier because it will be in balance.