Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

I don't think you come across as OTT Vinny - as you can see from the responses you've had some people like it, others wouldn't - it's about them, not you. Put your (lovely) efforts where they are more appreciated...
I like the echo thing...

I don't think you sound weird or stalkery at all, I think you sound like a lovely person. I would love to have a relative who cared as much as you do.

It sounds as though SIL is either a bi of a cold fish or just not the right sort of person for you, though. She doesn't appreciate you and isn't particularly nice to you, so I would back off and concentrate my friendly efforts on people who appreciated them.

Thanks lemon.

Are you trying to fill what you perceive is a vacuum, Vinny? If so, I think you're on a hiding to nothing and if you're struggling with anxiety issues then it's your behaviour that needs addressing.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with what you're doing but you're putting in maximum effort for somebody who will, at best, give back minimum feedback/effort. That isn't working for you, clearly. You can't change your SIL, you can only change yourself and how you behave to her.

I'm not like your SIL but definitely not like you either. I would find your attention and scrutiny to be far too much and I would withdraw from you. Where your SIL is going wrong is that she's picking and choosing where and when she'll engage with you - and it's always at her behest, never yours. She's using you and it's like you're trailing in her wake. Why on earth would you do that? If backing off makes you feel guilty then what you're saying is that you're going to carry on with this cycle so that you can avoid those feelings of guilt. I can't imagine what your husband thinks of this but I'm guessing he's exasperated from your earlier posts.

I don't like the term 'stalker' but think of the person who you're investing so much in. What would they think? How would they be describing you? Somebody who likes the amount of investment you're giving to the relationship wouldn't call you a stalker - but somebody for whom your behaviour is cloying, might well think of you in those terms.

For your own sake, get some RL friends to give you their assessment of what you've posted here because they'll be able to support, comfort - and put you straight - in a way that nobody can do for you online.

Greensleeves, we are very different. She's very materialistic and I'm not.

You are having a conversation. I hope my friend would tell me her family goings on and problems rather than waiting for me to ask.

Thanks for that post lyingw. Really well summarised. I sometimes mention all this to my mum and she says similar. SIL is all take and not much give.

She doesn't sounds very pleasant at all tbh. Don't feel responsible for not being able to build a lovely friendship with her - you've tried. Can't polish a turd!

Op listen to lyingwitch she’s made some valid points here. Out of interest you say your friends are wide spread around the UK. Do you have local friends?

I often can't get a word in edgeways, Allthe!

Some local friends with mum's groups but as they're all local, they have their own friends.

OP, I'd love a sil like you. I actually have one a bit like yours. I tried for a few years to stay in touch with her, mostly by messaging sometimes, but I got so little back, I've pretty much given up now. I don't think there's much you can do sadly. Take heart though, you sound lovely.

Give up. I did when I didn't get a text or any offers of help from SIL and BIL when my mum died. I was 9 months pregnant with a one year old. I got a card a few days later but I would have expected a text.

I've reached a point in my life when I'm only friends with people who don't cause me grief. I recommend it!

Give up. I did when I didn't get a text or any offers of help from SIL and BIL when my mum died. I was 9 months pregnant with a one year old. I got a card a few days later but I would have expected a text.

I've reached a point in my life when I'm only friends with people who don't cause me grief. I recommend it!

Give up. I did when I didn't get a text or any offers of help from SIL and BIL when my mum died. I was 9 months pregnant with a one year old. I got a card a few days later but I would have expected a text.

I've reached a point in my life when I'm only friends with people who don't cause me grief. I recommend it!

See, we're all different. I would have HATED to receive a text from family if I'd lost another family member, I would have thought it beyond rude. We don't all have the same expectations - and that's ok.

'Birds of a feather flock together'.

I do think you sound a little over invested OP. However, having said that it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and I’d genuinely like to have a SIL like you! My one is awful, sounds v similar to yours only she definitely never rings/ texts me etc. I’m invisible as far as she’s concerned. I stopped trying ages ago and now treat the rude cow exactly as she treats me- with mild (complete) disinterest.

Sorry don't know why it posted thrice!

AnnaT45 I am getting to that point not quite there yet can I ask how many close and semi-close friends you have left with this philosophy?

Great posts from LyingWitch.

I think your OP put people's backs up, Vinny. 'Pastoral stuff' is patronising - it implies you're doing thrse things because of some perceived inadequacy in the other person or because somehow it is your job to take care of them. That and then mentioning that she's materialistic and you're not makes me wonder whether you're showcasing your (perceived) superiority at some level - trying to show her the right way to do things. She possibly senses this and resents it - although tbh she doesn't sound terribly self-aware and is maybe simply happy to sound off to you. It's no good doing all these things and expecting her to respond in kind.

OP, you sound as though you've tried very hard to like her (you're a better person than I am), but you don't and never really have.

In my experience, people aren't anywhere near as good at hiding their dislike of someone as they think they are. So it's possible, through no fault of your own because you really have sincerely tried, that your SIL has picked up on the fact you're not keen on her. If that's the case, then what to you is a genuine attempt to get on might, to her, seem insincere and even a bit pushy, since you don't really like each other.

I'd echo LyingWitch's words, and in the meantime, no, you don't need to be bestest buddies, you just need to get on and be civil at family events, which it sounds as though you are. That's all that's required of you.

Hi vinni. It might just be that real life gets in the way and she is just really busy. I am really fond of both my sister in laws but hardly ever speak in phone. Just random texts and family meet ups. With a job and kids to look after, investing a lot in friendships just doesn’t happen these days, but my friends know where I am if they need me

biocarb I probably have four very close friends who I truly enjoy their company and that were there for me during a very difficult time and vice versa.

I do have lots of friends outside them but I've started to see some less if they bring drama. I.e moaning about the same things and not doing anything about it. I'm so tired of listening to it - am I a bitch?!