Do we have to be friends?

[VinnyTheVagina]

My AIBU is: AIBU to expect more from this person? AIBU to feel like we shouldn't 'have' to be mates.

Sister-in-law and myself. Two very different people. I feel like I do a lot of pastoral stuff - checking she and kids are ok if ill ; sending flowers/gifts when times have been hard; phoning in week to say hi; making effort at birthdays and Xmas (baking cakes, thoughtful presents); engaging in conversation when we meet and asking how things are going, listening to replies. In return, what do I get? Conversational questions never reciprocated, instead she rants on and on about kids, work, money, holidays, stress and never seems to then add on 'and what about you?' Thoughtful gifts when times are hard are very rarely reciprocated. And i don't give to receive. Phoning is sometimes reciprocated but once again I listen while she talks. It's not a conversation, more a soliloquy.

An example would be last weekend I phoned. No answer. Few hours later I sent a message enquiring about a meeting she had had at work the previous day. Explanation followed about meeting, outcomes, argument in meeting, then kids, then lack of sleep then blah blah blah, yadda yadda....Not once in any reply was there a ' you ok?' Knowing full well me and DH have stuff going on with work, kids and life. Funny thing is we practically do the same job but in different companies (HR related) but she talks to me as if I have no clue about it all. And of course her role is FAR more stressful as she is slightly senior in her role.

My question is: why do I bother? Do in laws have to be friends and make this level of unreciprocated effort? What's the phrase about squeaky wheels?

I'm not suffocating ffs!!!

However, I am going to back off. I give up really. I've re read my posts and I don't think I sound like a bloody stalker. Just someone who's perhaps insecure and gives too much of a shit. I don't phone her every bloody day, every other week. Perhaps the odd text in the week. Isnt this what families do? Albeit were not blood relations (married to brothers) but we're aunts to the kids.

Ahhh wrote a postcard it crashed!

Post and*

Will definitely be backing off. To save my sanity if anything. Tbh it's been a long time coming. I've always had anxiety about making and maintaining friendships. Despite being quite gregarious I struggle with the expectations of friendships. She and MIL get along fab so I'll leave them to it!

OP you don’t sound like a stalker at all, can’t beleive how nasty some posters are.
You sound lovely and a good friend but it seems like it’s all one way, so I’d cool it a bit if you feel like you should.

Well no. Andckearly she doesn't want to be so stop.

Must admit Over I'm a bit taken aback by some people 's responses. Wondering whether one of you is actually SIL!! But I guess if I put this kind of a question out there,I need to expect people's harsh replies. Like I said, bit taken aback by some of them as they are quite rude but that's life.

I'm not sure if I'd be delighted to have a SIL like you Vinny, or if it would just make me feel pathetic and lazy by comparison :D

No, you don’t have to be friends with your in laws. Now the question is “are you brave enough to blank them” ?
You’re an adult, you don’t have to be friends or like anyone. Trouble is, most people would rather fake niceness than be genuine and brutal. I’m a genuine but brutal type, I have fewer friends, but at least I like them.

Funny like you have said I’m a bit paranoid managing female friendships and am never sure if I’m too much or not enough.
I don’t have sisters and find my relationships with my SILs unsatisfactory. I’d like to be closer but they all have sisters of their own and don’t seem to want any relationship with me. I don’t bother anymore and invest in the friends that I do have.
Don’t stop being you though, you sound really nice and thoughtful.

😁 at both raven and pricilla! I think that as I get older my tolerance is reducing. And I'm full time working with two kids so I've not really got time for this crap. If anything I'm going to come back to this thread when I feel uncertain about things.

Thanks Over. I think I'm quite a nice person but I do over think stuff and I guess that might give the impression of desperation!! Also I moved to be with DH so all my friends are in another part of UK. So I think I was hoping for this close "Bridesmaids" type relationship! Why it's taken me this long I do not know....

Vinny, have you really been like this 'over the course of 10 years? Did it not occur to you to hold back a little bit?

You sound extremely family orientated - and that is in no way a dig or an insult - but you don't seem to have tempered that with any kind of cognisance of the people around you and what they think/feel/need.

What you seem to be doing is projecting your thoughts/feelings and needs onto the people around you in the hope that they will reciprocate. They are not you so they aren't going to behave in the same way that you do, they're working to a different set of 'rules'.

Stand back a bit and keep more of yourself to yourself because your overinvestment in your SIL might secretly exasperate her but will hurt nobody but you.

Be an ECHO, I swear you'll be happier :)

And no, I won't stop being me. Apart from wasting WhatsApp messages onSIL. I read a quote on Facebook the other day. It read something like, "Stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even cross a puddle for you."

An ECHO?

That just means pretty much what you've said in your last but one post, Vinny, if your SIL is reserved/reticent, invest your time/attention elsewhere. She won't miss it - and you won't resent lavishing yourself on somebody who doesn't want or appreciate it.

Echo.

Was also just thinking. Aside from the fact that this is family, kind of, does it not just piss people off when you feel you give more to a relationship than the other person?

No, because I don't do it that way. I might give more than they do but a) I choose the people I do that for and b) what I give is freely given with no expectation of return.

I'm honestly not being smug or snide, just that you can't dictate how other people respond or interpret what you do so you either give it willingly and without any strings - or you give it and fret and keep score. That isn't for me, it would make me miserable.

I agree with LyingWitch.

If you still remember this decade-old fight so vividly that it affects your thought processes now, it might be coming across in your interactions somehow.

When you say things like "I said all these nice things and she didn't say the same", that's a very subjective situation. She might be cold and unresponsive, or she might just not respond and think about things the way you do.

You certainly don't have to be close buddies with your husband's brother's wife...the fact that you think you might have to suggests to me that you may be a bit full on for someone who isn't as family oriented as you. Doesn't make either of you wrong, it's just a case of different people and subjective understandings of various situations.

I don’t think you need to feel you’ve done the wrong thing or been other than kind, but I would take your cue from her and respond when she does. I’m guessing the talk when you ring about how busy and stressed she is may be from guilt that she doesn’t reciprocate. She may not mean to be unkind by not asking about you and yours, just be caught up in her own excuses! She obviously does value you as she calls you and unloads. Just stay your kind self but let her make the running for a bit.

Op, I don't think PP have been rude at all but rather you've not liked their message. Lying has said it brilliantly so I'd suggest following her advice.

FWIW, I think from how you've described the relationship, the old adage is true - you can pick your friends but not your family & your SIL clearly hasn't chosen you as a friend. Sorry that hurts you, but you'd be better off backing off a little for your own self.

Stop bothering ! Do the basics and spend your time doing something you like instead

I wonder if she will notice ?

I can see where you're coming from Vinny but as many of the others have said, just back off and see what happens.

It's a different scenario but I have a friend where I feel I do more than half of the running. Every so often, I back off for a bit and then I'll get a phone call or chatty email "Hi, just wondering how you are. Not heard from you for a bit". I think she gets the message. I'd do the same if I were you. If she doesn't contact you, then at least you'll know where she stands.

Does your husband stay in contact with his brother or are you expected to be the lynchpin?

Sad thing is stopfucking, I don't think she will. I've dropped contact before and I end up feeling guilty. Like she's going to think I don't care. It's so hard to verbalise. This is anxiety that runs deeper than just my relationship with her. It's symptomatic of some stuff I just struggle with.

And theweewitch, it's not that I've not not liked their messages. I've been perfectly willing to take them on board. But some posters are unnecessarily blunt when there's no need. That's rude imo.