Going out for dinner- who pays?

[LadyBunnysWig]

Very happy to be told IABU as I'm genuinely not sure anymore. Was texting with an old friend recently and suggested we have a proper catch up. She asked what I fancied. I suggested a restaurant near where we live and she said that it was too expensive, I suggested a cheaper restaurant or said I didn't mind what we do if she had any other ideas. She agreed on cheaper restaurant.
We met up, it was lovely good catch up, we each ate off of a special lunch time menu for a set price.
When the bill came she just sat there smiling at me. I got out my card (because I am that annoying person who always pays on card) and when the waitress came I said "put (half of the bill) on my card". Waitress asked how we would pay second half and friend just continued to look at me expectantly. I asked waitress to give us a minute and asked friend how she was planning to pay and she got very offended!
She said that since I had suggested the meet up and the restaurant, that I should pay for us both, besides, it was the cheap menu so not very expensive and I could afford it.
I said that I hadn't realised she expected me to pay and I felt that was not fair as she could have said no to going out at all if she was short on money. She informed me that she hadn't event brought her purse so had no way to pay, then she said that I had humiliated her and made her feel like a scrounger and stormed out.
I paid the second half of the bill and left too.
She has sent me a really shitty message saying she didn't feel she could forgive me for this unless I apologised. I don't feel I should apologise.

Any advice on what I should do?

Another one who thinks you said sorry too much.

But I am sorry at how things ended and I am sorry if things were unclear. I am not sorry for not being psychic and making an (according to this thread) accurate assumption about what was acceptable.

I'll always value her friendship, as I say it's been too important to me in the past. However if she can't even meet me half way then we can't move forward

Good for you. It’s wise to save friendships where possible, especially if you’re close.

This won't end well don't think. Either she's still aggrieved or she is humiliated

That was a fair and generous message. Hopefully she’ll have shared her outrage with someone sensible who can set her straight.

OP you have my sympathies, I think you were good to challenge in the restaurant and your message after was good too.

My DH has started paying for everyone,
without speaking to me first when we invite people to meet for dinner, which pisses me off as I fear we are now growing our own CFs. I suggest going out as I get sick of hosting which is just as expensive sometimes!

you are not her date why would you be paying. she seems like a leech probably dis you a favour

I think that is a great message, OP. It is assertive but human. Doesn’t commit you to an apology you don’t feel, and is not accusatory. And therefore leaves space for your friend to come back and explain what on Earth was going on.

For someone to behave so suddenly out of character does raise questions, and out of the basic loyalty laid down over the years, I would want to check whether something else in her life has precipitated this.

God, people show dogs more patience than they say they would have after a single out of character event by a human friend, often advising taking a suddenly growling dog to the vet to check for illness or pain.

You have acted honourably OP, the response will tell you what you need to know.

This reminds me of one of my most embarrassing moments. It was with an ex and a big group of his friends. We went for a meal and when the meal came, then boyfriend said to the table “I’m paying for both of us”.
We were dating and used to alternate who paid, so I assumed he was taking this as his ‘turn’, and didn’t put my share in.
When it came to adding up, we were one person short. I said ‘oh is it my share? X is paying for me’, which he did.
It was only on the way out, when another friend pointedly thanked him for paying her share (he’d owed them for something previously and had organised to pay for them) that the penny dropped. I immediately tried to give him the money, but he wouldn’t take it. We broke up not long after, although remain friends.
I still shudder when I think about it, years later

C3pu 😂😂😂😂** you're funny.

To be honest OP, I hate stuff like this. I always cringe when I hear stories like this, it's embarrassing. I'm the sort of person who would pay for dinner unless the the other person insisted on splitting the bill or pay themselves. In that moment you reached out for your card to pay half the bill and your friend was sitting there smiling at the waitress, I would have taken that as a sign that you should pay the bill cuz that's the sort of mug I am
Lol. But yeah YANBU, definitely not.

We tend not to pay half but take turns paying each time we go out. If there is no opportunity than we go halves. Cannot believe the audacity of your so called “friend”. Also, whether she thinks you can afford it or not is beside the point. I would be so embarrassed if someone, no matter how well off, was paying for me unless they allowed me to reciprocate. Crumbs, my only comfort is that most posters on here agree that your so called friend is really odd or a chancer who enjoys getting something for nothing. However, if she said I really cannot afford it and you said don’t worry about it I will pay, that is a different matter. The kindest suggestion is that there was a misunderstanding!

She did reply.
Basically she said that since I had invited her, she assumed that I was paying because that's how it works with her other friends. She said that they don't even discuss it anymore so it's almost second nature. They sort of take it in turns to invite the other out and pay.
She hasn't outright apologised, but also apologised for the misunderstanding. Still no mention of repaying me in any way.
I asked if everything was alright as her reaction was very out of character and she brushed me off. I'm assuming there is something going on that she is choosing not to share with me which is fine.
I think I'm just going to let her know that when she does need me, I'll always be there for her, but also distance myself somewhat and check in from time to time.

I suppose you will find out if her explanation is genuine the next time you're out, because it will be HER turn to pay! She says "that's how it works with her other friends," but is it what the 2 of you have done previously?

Something else going on. You are not in her “inner circle” anymore, that much is clear. She is irked at you over something else maybe, and so it was easy for her to turn hostile over this very trivial lunch misunderstanding. She was looking for something to snap at you about.

I would absolutely not text her again to “let her know I am always there for her if she needs me.” Or “check in from time to time.” No, no, no. Why would you reward her power play? That’s exactly what she wants you to do.

Does she have a history of being touchy or not giving you the benefit of the doubt? I don’t think she values your friendship as much as you do hers. I would let her go and not contact her again.

It was just a meet up so you should go half for the meal. She is a scrounging cf. Don't bother with her again. Can't believe her cheek.

I’d say, ah well I guess you can always pay for me next time and we can call it quits.

@Lashalicious oh I know I'm not in her inner circle, she also isn't really in mine these days.
We've been through so much together over a long stretch of time. We have grown apart somewhat and hadn't seen each other in a long time. There are some things I'll speak to some people about but not all my friends itswim.

Great - free meal for you next time!

Have the lobster.

Yanbu, always expect to pay for yourself! What a ridiculous person.

I'd have sent her a link to this thread, so she can see there are two hundred people who think she's a cheeky fucker and none who think her behaviour is appropriate.

Obviously we can't see the text of the response she has sent you OP but going by what you've posted above as her response, if I were you, I couldn't let that be the end of it.
That might be how she conducts herself with her other friends, but it obviously hasn't been the way things were conducted on previous occasions where you've met up. I'd be replying to her text (either with a phone call or another text) saying something along these lines:

1. that you're disappointed that the time you spent has been tainted by her behaviour when you were in the restaurant.
2. that you've paid for her part of the meal and even after paying, she threw an almighty strop and it has damaged your long friendship and it is entirely down to how she has behaved (both in the restaurant and afterwards).
3. you are going to try to put this situation behind you but in order to do that and be able to move past it, you would like her to woman up and pay her part of the bill (based on past history, that this isn't how you've done things in the past when you two have gone out) and if she still feels that she can't, or shouldn't or won't pay for her meal, then this is going to be a deal breaker in keeping this friendship which has been through thick and thin under immense pressure, all for the sake of less than £20 but it's really not about the actual sum of money, it's the principle of it all.

I couldn't let that be the end of it.

OP has already gone further to try and not just cut off the 'friend' than I think I would go. It is now up to the 'friend' to make the next move. If that is an invitation to a meal, or even just for a coffee, but fully paid for by 'friend' then you know how the new rules work.

Having said that, the explanation doesn't ring true to me and I would't hold my breath for an invitation. Most of our friends do the take it in turns thing, but others obviously do it differently, so we are used to listening out for clues. Was caught out recently, when people we haven't been in touch with for years, where we used to eat in each others homes, invited us to their new place, mentioning a restaurant where they are regulars, they always take people out instead of eating at home. It sounded as if were were to be their guests, and this seemed confirmed when we arrived. They were greeted as regulars, they asked us what we wanted and related that to the waiter and chose the wine having asked our preferences.

These are the clues to me that they are hosting, but when the bill came, they both mentioned that they had drunk more of the wine than we had, which is obviously a how are we going to split the bill gambit. We were happy to pay our half and immediately produced cash, could just as easily given another card and asked the place to split the bill across the two cards.

That was quite a long story, whose point is to say that even if OP's 'friend' had thought that OP was hosting, she didn't react as if there had been a misunderstanding, she reacted to force OP to pay.

For example, if it were a misunderstanding, and she didnt have any means to pay, 'friend' could have said, oh sorry, I'd forgotten that we share the bill, could you sub me this time and I'll pay for you next or even I'll do a transfer, can you give me your details.

There is so much scope for misunderstandings, it is not surprising that they happen often, so what matters is how the misunderstanding is handled when it becomes clear. In OP's case, the 'friend' showed no intention of paying this time round, so I would wait for the next time, to see how it went, but not hold my breath for that return invitation.

Unless, of course, in a massive drip feed, OP forgot her purse last time and promised to pay the next time....