Going out for dinner- who pays?

[LadyBunnysWig]

Very happy to be told IABU as I'm genuinely not sure anymore. Was texting with an old friend recently and suggested we have a proper catch up. She asked what I fancied. I suggested a restaurant near where we live and she said that it was too expensive, I suggested a cheaper restaurant or said I didn't mind what we do if she had any other ideas. She agreed on cheaper restaurant.
We met up, it was lovely good catch up, we each ate off of a special lunch time menu for a set price.
When the bill came she just sat there smiling at me. I got out my card (because I am that annoying person who always pays on card) and when the waitress came I said "put (half of the bill) on my card". Waitress asked how we would pay second half and friend just continued to look at me expectantly. I asked waitress to give us a minute and asked friend how she was planning to pay and she got very offended!
She said that since I had suggested the meet up and the restaurant, that I should pay for us both, besides, it was the cheap menu so not very expensive and I could afford it.
I said that I hadn't realised she expected me to pay and I felt that was not fair as she could have said no to going out at all if she was short on money. She informed me that she hadn't event brought her purse so had no way to pay, then she said that I had humiliated her and made her feel like a scrounger and stormed out.
I paid the second half of the bill and left too.
She has sent me a really shitty message saying she didn't feel she could forgive me for this unless I apologised. I don't feel I should apologise.

Any advice on what I should do?

Is she on another planet or something? If I’m with a friend and know they’re a bit strapped for cash I might offer to pay, if my finances allow but I certainly wouldn’t if they expected it!

Just...wait.... what?!
She's a Cheeky Fucker who's just got straight off the train from Cheeky Town.

Actually on second thought, is she my aunt? She has form for “forgetting” her purse and expecting others to pay.

@expatinscotland I just don't get it. I'll overpay rather than look a cheapass!!

Is her name Cait?

No one goes out without their purse.

How bizarre the lives of Mumsnetters are. I can't imagine this behaviour, ever.

If I went out for an inexpensive lunch with a friend, I would attempt to pay the bill, but then so would the friend and we'd probably agree to split it.

No not Cait and I don't think her niece is old enough to be on MN

I'm really gutted about this as I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I can't forget this happened either....

It sounds like she thinks you said “let me take you out to lunch” or “I want to take you to lunch”....not the same as “Let’s have lunch” which is what you probably said. It also explains why she said, “is that not too expensive?” on the assumption she thought you were offering to pay and didn’t want you to pay for too expensive a restaurant since you would be paying for both of you. So her comment makes perfect sense in that light; she thought you were paying so didn’t want to appear greedy or thoughtless and choose the expensive restaurant.

Op, is she going through a rough time financially right now? Did she say anything to you in your text conversations that hint at that? If so, knowing that you knew she was going through a rough time may have contributed to her impression that you wanted to pay for her lunch and hence her being offended when you didn’t (“we had just talked about my situation and then you asked me to lunch; thought you wanted to treat me!”) obviously I am speculating, trying to figure out in good faith why she would act like this.

However, that said, the fact she didn’t bring her purse seems weird to me and doesn’t reconcile with the above. Who doesn’t bring their purse to wherever they’re going anyway?

It’s as if she wants to make sure you paid (her back); maybe she thinks you took advantage of her in the past?? Who knows. If she on purpose twisted your words to act like you were going to pay for her lunch then she is a wacko and I don’t understand her reasoning at all and I would do as above pp said, simply text back “I did not say I was taking you to lunch, I suggested we have lunch like most friends do and pay our own way as most friends do. The fact you twisted that means you not only owe me an apology, you owe me $__. Send check in the mail. You know my address.”

Even if there had been a misunderstanding, which is perhaps possible from the way things were worded, she's the one that behaved worst. If anyone should be mortified at how they were treated it's you - she stormed out from the restaurant and left you to pay, that was the most embarrassing part of the story. Then she sent a rude demand for an apology! Anyone with remotely normal manners would have started to realise when you asked for half the bill that there was a problem with the theory that you were going to pay everything. At that point she should've said, omg I'm sorry I'd understood this wrong, I thought you were paying, I haven't got any money, could you sub me..." And that should have been followed up with a "thanks so much, I'm so embarrassed".

Who the heck causes such a scene, and ends a friendship over £15??

Even id she had no purse - she could have paid on Apple Pay.

I suspect she has financial issues. She couldn't afford to pay, so hoped you would without murmer. The fact you didn't made her realise what she'd done and she felt embarassed and like a scrounger. Her reaction is due to sheer embarassement, she's went on the attack rather than admit she's skint. Her comment you can afford it speaks volumes.

However if she couldn't afford it, she should have told you. And when the bill came she should have said "I'm really sorry, I can't afford it, can you get this one and I'll get the next?".

Even if she did think you should pay and she could afford it, the normal reaction would be to get your card out as soon as you said you'd pay half. You would not demand your friend bought you lunch.

I don't think there is a way back from this to be honest. She's behaved too badly, she owes you can apology and is just too embarassed by her own actions to give it.

Dear cf thank-you for lunch. Iv learned a lesson today it only cost me to learn that you aren't my friend and being used doesn't feel very nice. I'm so great-full you could help me learn that lesson for the tiny sum I could have had years and countless ££ of crap before realising you didn't actually care about me and were a terrible "friend" so thanks.
I do hope you find someone else to sponge off soon it must be so worrisome for you to not be able to eat out again until you do.

Yanbu, that's outrageous, of course she should pay for her own meal!

expat I wish I had the confidence to do that .

Op you never said "my treat" or anything else to imply you would pay. How much do you want to know her?

I'm really gutted about this as I don't want to lose her as a friend

No-one treats a friend like she treated you. She is not a friend. Go and find someone who really appreciates you.

She could also have negotiated paying for the next meal....

An 'I'm so sorry, I thought you were paying! My mistake! Would you get this one and I'll pay next time?

Or can I send you a bank transfer?

And a ranting message is pathetic ... it should've been

'I'm sorry I was a bit embarrassed having misunderstood, thanks for paying, can I send you the money or pay next time?'

Weird

This is mad! Of course she should have paid.

Ah...the thought just came to me. If she truly thought you were paying for her lunch and then you didn’t and she got offended, that would explain too why she said she didn’t bring her purse. She did bring it but when you inexplicably (to her) made a big show (in her eyes) with the server about not paying for her meal, she up and said ok, I didn’t bring my purse so there! She might be on another thread saying, my friend said she wanted to take me out to lunch then bizarrely told the server in front of me that she would not be paying for my meal and that I’d better get my purse out. I was so stunned and angry I said I didn’t bring my purse. That’ll teach her. WIBu?

So....I guess I would say, if this has always been a good friend and has never done anything like this before, I’d 1) did she confide in you just before the lunch invitation that she was going through financial hardship? 2) did she simply misunderstand and truly thought you wanted to treat her to lunch? Would explain her wanting an apology.
Otherwise, wacko. But I’d lean toward 1 or 2 first. Just because I cannot understand why in the world she would do this to you on purpose.

Cf with lights on. She owes you

How did she pay for parking if she had no purse ?

She clearly hoped you would pay and then kicked off when you didnt .

Blimey, odd behaviour. Bad, too.

However I know that in that situation I would probably have paid the whole bill once she sat there looking at me and not offering to pay. I would have just paid, rather than have it out with her.

Likewise, in her shoes, If I had somehow assumed I was being ‘taken out for lunch ‘ as opposed to ‘meeting for lunch’ , once I realised my friend was assuming a bill share I would either pay up straight away or say ‘oh, no! Really sorry, I have come out without my card, can you get my share and I’ll transfer the £ later” (and I would).

Is she very short of money / out of work?

yeah she could have suggested Wetherspoons or something, even, if £12.99 was too much. Buy your own meals at the bar. Not hard.

I personally would never arrange to see her again.... I would however Text her back that you will be informing anyone who asks... why you will not be seeing her again.. because she's expects to dine for free at everyone else's expense.... refusing to pay for anything ever..

Some of these responses make me laugh. It just shows how many people just assume other people have lives exactly the same as their own!

How did she pay for parking? Maybe she didn't drive there!

Use Apple Pay. Maybe she hasn't got that.