Going out for dinner- who pays?

[LadyBunnysWig]

Very happy to be told IABU as I'm genuinely not sure anymore. Was texting with an old friend recently and suggested we have a proper catch up. She asked what I fancied. I suggested a restaurant near where we live and she said that it was too expensive, I suggested a cheaper restaurant or said I didn't mind what we do if she had any other ideas. She agreed on cheaper restaurant.
We met up, it was lovely good catch up, we each ate off of a special lunch time menu for a set price.
When the bill came she just sat there smiling at me. I got out my card (because I am that annoying person who always pays on card) and when the waitress came I said "put (half of the bill) on my card". Waitress asked how we would pay second half and friend just continued to look at me expectantly. I asked waitress to give us a minute and asked friend how she was planning to pay and she got very offended!
She said that since I had suggested the meet up and the restaurant, that I should pay for us both, besides, it was the cheap menu so not very expensive and I could afford it.
I said that I hadn't realised she expected me to pay and I felt that was not fair as she could have said no to going out at all if she was short on money. She informed me that she hadn't event brought her purse so had no way to pay, then she said that I had humiliated her and made her feel like a scrounger and stormed out.
I paid the second half of the bill and left too.
She has sent me a really shitty message saying she didn't feel she could forgive me for this unless I apologised. I don't feel I should apologise.

Any advice on what I should do?

I’d completely ignore her for quite some time, possibly indefinitely. WTAF?!

I wouldn’t pander to this tbh, she clearly isn’t concerned about offending you by all the insinuations she’s made about you or hurting your feelings, don’t worry about her feelings in return. If she valued the friendship as much as you seem to she would not risk it by this appalling behaviour would she?

I’d respond in kind saying bluntly ‘what on earth have you the impression that it is my responsibility to pay for you, at no point was this ever said? You are a grown adult and have no right to be in any way annoyed at me because you assumed (wrongly) I was buying you lunch! If you didn’t remember your purse you could have borrowed off me, your expectant attitude is appalling and rude. I am completely flabbergasted at your misplaced outrage when you stormed out a restaurant leaving me to pay for you and even more so by the follow up abuse!’

@lynxpynz

I’d respond in kind saying bluntly ‘what on earth have you the impression that it is my responsibility to pay for you, at no point was this ever said? You are a grown adult and have no right to be in any way annoyed at me because you assumed (wrongly) I was buying you lunch! If you didn’t remember your purse you could have borrowed off me, your expectant attitude is appalling and rude. I am completely flabbergasted at your misplaced outrage when you stormed out a restaurant leaving me to pay for you and even more so by the follow up abuse!’

This is the message I would send to her. On FB, by text, AND by email, to make sure she gets it!

I would also add 'until you apologise, and pay me half towards that meal, I don't wish to have any more contact with you.'

Fuck being 'old friends.' As a few people have said, she is an appalling friend who doesn't care about offending or upsetting you.

So fuck her!

👩🏽‍💻

@bingbongnoise amen to all of that!

Agree with every poster on this thread - you are most definitely NOT BU.

I tend towards the same thoughts as Lashalicious and wonder if there is something going on for her.

I like both the suggestions for messages to her by Mummy and Monumental, and if you do want to keep the friendship, then something along those lines should work.

Is she jealous of you in some way, perhaps? It's very odd. And, as many have said, very very cheeky of her.

Lunchzilla?

p.s. People on here can be very quick to say "ditch this friend", but IMHO, it's often not as simple as that. And an established friendship is worth keeping, especially if it's one you value.

You shouldn't be taken for a mug, and you should stand up for yourself. But if we all binned off every friend and family member every time they did something we didn't like or approved of or that upset us, we'd none of us have any friends left.

Just text her and ask 'Are you having a laugh?'

^This.

She is a CF.

Whenever I meet a friend for lunch we just pay for ourselves. At times one or the other has paid, so the next time the other will pay. That way it's always 50/50.

Better to have no friends than 1 that would treat you like this.
If this woman repected and cared about you she woldnt have treated you like this OP. She doesnt give a toss.

Send lynzpynz’s message. At no point send one that starts with ‘I’m sorry...’

Please don't apologise if you get in contact with her.

Would always expect to split the bill with a friend in this situation

@LynzPynz

Amen to all of that bingbongnoise!

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@KeepOnServingTheDrinks

People on here can be very quick to say "ditch this friend", but IMHO, it's often not as simple as that. And an established friendship is worth keeping, especially if it's one you value

Errr sorry, just no.

No.

And NO.

This 'friend' of the OP's doesn't give a shiny shit about the OP. She has treated her appallingly, and if a friend of mine were to treat me like this, I would not be trying to reason with her or apologise for anything!

I WOULD be messaging her though, and saying she won't be hearing from me again unless she apologises. The cheeky fucker of a friend (of the OP) pissed off and left the OP to pay for the whole meal! What kind of 'friend' does that?

She's not acting like a friend; I don't care how far back they go! OP needs to lay the law down to her, and if cheeky fucker 'friend' takes umbrage, and doesn't get back in touch with her, well then at least the OP knows she is not valued by this woman, and that she needn't waste another SECOND of her life on her!

I text her this afternoon. I said:

Hi X. I'm sorry today didn't end on a positive note. We've been friends for such a long time and been through so much together, it seems a shame to lose our friendship over £xx.xx.
I'm not sure what happened today, I've read back on my messages and I can't see where it went wrong. By asking to meet up with you and suggesting restaurant B I wasn't offering to pay for you. I'm sorry if that's how it came across. If you are having financial worries I would have of course offered to pay had we of discussed it.
I can't apologise for something I don't feel I did wrong. I too was left feeling humiliated and upset. Can we discuss this and move forward?

You're a better person than me.

I would have told her to fuck off if she didn't apologise and admit she was wrong.

My SIL is from the US and if they ask you to go out for a meal they pay, if you ask then you pay. It shocked me at first as her dad has paid for twenty of us on occasion. It was a bit strange at first but it's very US and not very common in the UK.

Your text is conciliatory and more generous than she deserves, which is understandable if the friendship means a lot to you.

Several years ago a neighbour & I fell out over a favour I had been doing for her for a very prolonged period. As time went on she took the favour with less & less consideration for us and in the end we had had enough. It was actually my DH not me who had the angry exchange with her but I agreed with everything he said.

A year went by and we didn't speak. She certainly did not apologise.

Then one day she turned up on my doorstep, breezy & chatty, as if nothing had happened. Cautiously I offered her a cup of tea and waited to see if an apology was finally going to be forthcoming. For the next 20 minutes she only talked about herself and I listened, saying very little. Then after a pause she said, "It's such a pity what happened, Monumental, as we used to be such good friends." I waited to see if there was more - sorry perhaps? But nothing, so I replied, "Well I'm not sure we were good friends, or you would not have treated us the way you did, after we had helped you for so long." I was NOT going to brush it all under the carpet because if there really was going to be a friendship going forward, I would need an acknowledgement from her that she had behaved very badly. Unfortunately there was none and she left.

The point of this OP is how much value you place on the friendship will play a big part in how much of your friend's awful behaviour you are willing to forgive, because she may be as incorrigible as my neighbour.

This does exist in some cultures, but your friend is a CF.

When we lived in ME if someone (local) suggested going out that was their 'invitation' so they played. Saying to someone 'do you fancy going out for a coffee" meant that you had to pay.
I'll never forget a British colleague asking a group of us to her house for a Chinese. We were a mix of ethnicities, but mostly expats with a few natives. We arrived, put our order in, had it delivered and had a really nice night. At the end the 'host' asked for everyone's 'share' and there was a moment of utter horrified faces of the local people, who felt humiliated that as a 'guest' they had to pay. They felt she was a CF!

That is an excellent text, and you can hold your head up high knowing that you said the right thing.

tillytoodles I'm from the US and that is not common. Is more usual to go 50/50.

OOooft.. you're on the backfoot right there lady... I agree with Bigbongnoise ...

I think there are way too many apologies in your text...

you sounds like a lovely person.... don't let this cheapskate pal ruin your day

Great message. Has she replied?

To the OP -
I "lost" not one, but two "close" friends last year. Both "friendships" about 14 years. Would be a huge "back story", but, hand-on-heart, "it wisnae me".
What I have learned is that it is my daughter, son-in-law and Granddaughter are who are important - everyone else is incidental.
Your text to her said "sorry" twice - which, in the scenario you posted, was twice too much.
I hope you find a better friend/friends