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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 11:13

Use the name. Don’t get into any convoluted dramas about it either.
all
The advice about you say this and that to her,it’s all a bit histrionic
Have a happy, healthy pg. don’t give this any more mileage.just use the name

No one owns or has dibs on a name. So you can both use the name
You have v specific reasons for choosing it,so go with that

AnnaT45 · 13/01/2018 11:15

I'm sorry you're struggling with your loss, grief is awful and you don't have to explain that things get to you when you feel this way. Anyone that's lost someone close will understand why you're upset.

Stick to the name, you'll regret it if not. If anyone questions says it's after your lovely grandad. She sounds like a bit of weirdo so will you have much of a relationship with her anyway?

Good luck x

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2018 11:16

Use the name. Given its your grandads birthday I quite like the announcement idea!
For those saying never tell anyone the names, if I were having a girl I would know exactly the name. I tell everyone , and if anyone else happened to use it, I’d use it anyway. If they don’t like it ,their fault for assuming I’d just find another one, I’m very clear that’s my name. However I’m having a boy so interested in the ops name! Op, share please? Grin

alotalotalot · 13/01/2018 11:17

Well dp support you using the same name? I'd be upset with him if he doesn't.

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2018 11:18

AND think very seriously about your last name. You’re not married.

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2018 11:21

Genealogist here. It's only in the last generation or so that cousins have all had different names.

Historically, naming kids after their grandparents would have resulted in kids sharing names with others named for the same grandparent.

I've seen cousins with seemingly unique names (ie Jemima Crombie McPhee) repeat across the wider family. The one granny has inspired many little Jemimas.

Standard practice. That's why so many Scots have pet names or nicknames - to distinguish them from all the other Peter Campbells in their family.

Lizzie48 · 13/01/2018 11:23

Just use the name, it will be a lovely way to honour your DGF. Your SIL was mean, no 2 ways about it. When you were talking about names, she said they hadn't decided yet, now suddenly they're choosing the same name?? That is stealing your thunder.

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2018 11:24

I hope your dh is being more supportive now, especially on the anniversary of your Grandfather's death. My condolences.

Up thread someone suggested pretending to be happy the Grandfather was being honoured with two named children. If you are not happy, I would not pretend to be. But by the same token someone suggested a nickname her son could be named, this is not right. She can name the child as she likes.

You said she was sorry to be having a boy, I hope she gets over that and does not tell too many people and that people do not repeat it in the future, it is horrible but I know some people do feel like that with regard to the sex of a baby, either way.

@Jessbow re "If she is your S in L, presumably the father of the baby is your Brother? Yes?

In which case you share a grandfather, so he has equal call on naming his son after his grandfather, does he not?

If your sister in law is your partners sister ( so you never shared that grandparent) you have ''the reason'' for using the name."

I had assumed your SIL was your partners sister so no real reason for using the name. If it is your brother's baby that your SIL is having then that does make more sense.

Bellamuerte · 13/01/2018 11:24

Your SIL is a spiteful cow. Post a photo of your grandfather and announce your name choice on Facebook, and tell everyone you see. Make sure everyone knows what your baby is called. Bonus points if you're announcing it first before SIL has announced hers. She has copied you because she knew your choice before she made her decision. Make sure SIL knows you're still using that name as well.

Bodicea · 13/01/2018 11:25

Whoever suggested announcing on fb today that your son is going to be named after his grandfather is genius. You should so do that. Then do the occasional post about how - insert name- is growing bigger, kicking etc.
She might be shamed into picking a different name by the time her baby comes but will look like the idiot if she names him that anyway!

TheweewitchRoz · 13/01/2018 11:27

The name clearly means a lot to you, so I say use the name & don't think twice about it.

MynewnameisKy · 13/01/2018 11:28

Just popping on to say I have a first cousin with same first name and surname as me. It's an old family name. It's never been an issue. Although she is quite a few years older than me.

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 11:30

Sounds like your boyfriend is fine with his sister using the name and does not care about the situation at all.

thecatsarecrazy · 13/01/2018 11:31

Yes stickwith the name and make sure its known to her. I bet she will change her mind if she knows your serious. She sounds like a cunt. Why do people do that! I didn't tell anyone with any of my children what names we had picked because i was worried it might happen.

Bluedoglead · 13/01/2018 11:32

Is it your brothers child?

Bluedoglead · 13/01/2018 11:33

Sorry I see I missed where you said partners sister.

Mummyoftwo91 · 13/01/2018 11:35

I would use it anyway, and make sure you tell her that might deter her from using the name

Buxbaum · 13/01/2018 11:38

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name.

I never usually advocate passive-aggressive FB posts but this is genius. I guarantee she will find another name.

Jaxhog · 13/01/2018 11:39

Use the name you want. So his cousin has the same name. You'll know it's special and can share that with him when he's old enough to understand.

derxa · 13/01/2018 11:40

Tom vs Agamemnon. Grin

Bratsandtwats · 13/01/2018 11:41

Another vote for the facebook announcement. With the explanation of why the name is special to you.

raviolidreaming · 13/01/2018 11:42

It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it

On the contrary. No thought needed to go into it at all for you. Use the name. I would also use your surname.

ElsieMc · 13/01/2018 11:44

Ha - KioskKeith. No way did I indicate higher level abuse was tolerable -You are now angry again because I called you out on shouting in a manner patronising and condescending to other women.

Hope you get matters sorted op. I do agree with the poster who said your dh should have a quiet word.

derxa · 13/01/2018 11:46

That's why so many Scots have pet names or nicknames - to distinguish them from all the other Peter Campbells in their family.
Yes. My GF was a very distinguished old gentleman and he had 3 GC and a DS named after him. It never caused a minute's confusion.

TakeTheCrown · 13/01/2018 11:51

Definitely use it. (There are lots of Michael's in my family for whatever reason, no-one bats an eyelid.) And tell her. Start referring to your bump by name, buy personalized things. She may then choose something else...