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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 13/01/2018 08:58

Absolutely use the name.

e1y1 · 13/01/2018 08:59

Name your son the name you want. Plenty of families have the same names within them. A name isn’t owned by one person.

Added bonus, it will piss your “sil” right off Grin

flumposie · 13/01/2018 08:59

Use the name.

Hippee · 13/01/2018 08:59

We have four family members with the same name - one in each generation and one who married into the family - it isn't a problem. We just say Pete's Emma or Sally's Emma, etc. Definitely carry on with the name and don't worry about it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/01/2018 08:59

Don’t make a drama out of this. Give your son your grandfather’s name. If anyone questions it you can say “oh SIL doesn’t mind the cousins having the same name. She knew before she decided on a name that we were going with X”.

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2018 09:00

Remain calm with SIL, even though you don’t feel it, and just tell her you’re definitely going ahead with naming your baby after your grandfather.

If her baby is not born yet, I bet she’ll change her mind if you seem like you won’t.

I think it’s bloody odd of her - nobody owns a name but most people are considerate and don’t choose something too close to another name.

Anyway - just try not to get caught up in any drama. Just tell her the cousins will have the same name and act as if you’ve been thinking about it and actually what a great idea it is -go on about how adorable it will be etc. Reverse psychology. I’m sure she’ll back down!

Original poster
SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 09:01

Thank you! I think we will definitely go on to use the name.

The thing that has annoyed me is they have tonnes of names they 'really loved' and it seemed like a very sudden decision to use the name we wanted. I guess the grandparents thing could be problematic because both boys are my partners parents first grandchildren.

I may look into other names too, and use my grandfathers name as a middle name but we shall see how it goes.

Thank you for all of your support. I guess today is just a really hard day for me as it is because it would've been my grandfathers birthday and my partner only told me this morning his sister was using the name - pretty bodged up timing!

OP posts:
londonrach · 13/01/2018 09:02

Yabu as no one has a control on one name. However theres nothing stopping you using the same name.

extinctspecies · 13/01/2018 09:03

You have every right to choose whatever name you want for your child.

As does your SIL.

If cousins end up with the same name - so what? I shared a fairly unusual first name with a second cousin. It occasionally gave rise to confusion, but most of the time we dealt with it.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 13/01/2018 09:03

Just use the name and ignore her choice.

Concentrate on your own life, you can't change her and her bad decisions are down to her to live with.

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 09:03

If the only real issue is that the grandparents will be confused then I wouldn't worry about that. There are often kids of the same name in a class and endless creative ways of defining them.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/01/2018 09:04

I agree, just use the name and let everyone know why you are using the name. An alternative would be to use your grandfather’s middle name.
Btw, I really don’t think that you are being judgy, I just think that you are upset with your SIL and are lashing out a little.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 13/01/2018 09:04

Aw won't it be lovely when little bob and bob are running round our feet? We'll never know who's who!"
If she calls you out on it or acts surprised that you're sticking with the name just laugh and tell her it's the way it is. Your baby is named after your grandad and her baby is named after yours. Follow that up with a killer smile and flounce away.

Yes, exactly.

She already knew that you were going to name your son after your dear GF anyway.

And just like you don’t own a name...? She doesn’t either. ‘That’s how it’s always been.’

extinctspecies · 13/01/2018 09:05

And by the way, your SIL's situation with her partner has nothing to do with anything - you sound rather judgemental.

Pengggwn · 13/01/2018 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/01/2018 09:07

Is it a popular name OP? If not then it looks like SIL has done this deliberately. Either way use the name. If you tell her now that you are still going to use the name she may back out.

KayaG · 13/01/2018 09:07

Use it anyway and tell her you are going to. She may change her mind.

MistressPage · 13/01/2018 09:08

I'm so sorry about your Grandfather Flowers Do go ahead and use your name. It really doesn't matter one bit if someone else has the same name. Have you never met anyone with the same name as you? No nane is unique ( unless you make up a really awful outlandish one) Just have the name you love. And congratulations on the baby.

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2018 09:08

If you only found out today, and she’s got a habit of changing her mind, then definitely stick to your guns but be overly excitedly super nice about the idea. Kill with kindness. Do NOT let on you’re bothered.

Message her -

DP just told me you think baby will be called John too! Exciting - we’ll have 2 of them, will be so much fun for the cousins to be “name twins”!! My grandfather would be really honoured there will be 2 babies with his name, so sweet! Suppose we might need to agree a system for family gatherings so GPS aren’t confused lol - will yours be Jonnie or Jonno, do you think? Xxxx

Charolais · 13/01/2018 09:09

Have something made up - a wall hanging or something - with the name on it to show her you’re serious. Maybe she will go with one of the other names she loved.

Original poster
SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 09:10

Sorry if I've seemed judgemental. I'm incredibly upset and I guess I have just lashed out. Both partner and I have issues with her relationship simply because it isn't healthy for her nor the baby with how her partner treats them, but I know that's none of my concern, there's nothing we can do anyway as we've tried countless times to help.

It isn't a common name at all no, it's an incredibly old fashioned name and I've not heard of a single young person or child named it before now.

OP posts:
Coloursthatweremyjoy · 13/01/2018 09:10

My son's have their great grandfather's name as a middle name. All of their cousins do as well. It's turned into a family tradition actually.

In your place though I'd just use the name you have your heart set on. Unless you can think of another significant name...did your Grandfather have a middle name...did everyone shorten his name. Just think. He would have adored your son no matter what he was called.

ApacheEchidna · 13/01/2018 09:11

Of course you should name your son the name you planned. Very few people will know both children anyway. And as the saying goes "those who matter won't mind and those who mind won't matter". She hasn't "stolen" the name, just shown herself to be very unimaginative.

Practice a lighthearted laugh while saying "of course (sil) knew that our son was to be called (name) long before she picked a name for hers, so clearly she doesn't mind and we don't either"

SantaTheChristmasElfSlayer · 13/01/2018 09:11

My family are half Greek Cypriot. On my cousin's mum's side of the family, EVERYONE are called Savvas and Maria. All cousins are either one or the other. They get by.

Do not call your son anything else other than your grandfather's name. Don't concede to it being a middle name. Sod your sil. Yes, people don't own names, but considering the circumstances, I think she's being quite disrespectful to you.

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

RedialCallHold · 13/01/2018 09:11

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name.
I bet she thought you wouldn't use it once they'd named their son.
Yes know one owns a name but it's a shitty thing for her to do.