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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Katyb1310 · 13/01/2018 11:52

I'd use it anyway, it means a lot to you and you would regret it forever more if you didn't. My dad and his cousin both have the same first name, and my dad's middle name is his cousin's surname, so their names are identical before you add on my dad's surname (if that makes sense!)

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 13/01/2018 11:52

I agree to continue using the name.

I would let the SIL know that you’re still using the name but I wouldn’t do it in a passive aggressive way that other posters have suggested.

Just tell her that you’ve heard about the name she’s decided to use and that you’re just letting her know that you will still be going ahead and using the name for your child due to it being a very special name for you.

No need for passive aggressiveness, just be honest.

Also a side thought, does your DP actually like the name? You’ve said he doesn’t like conflict, so could this be a ploy for you to choose another name without him being seen as the bad guy?

Megs4x3 · 13/01/2018 11:57

Under the circumstances, especially, you should both use the same name. My mother caused consternation in her family by NOT using family names.

TurquoiseDress · 13/01/2018 11:58

Go ahead and use your grandfather's name- it sounds like there is a lot of deep meaning for you to use it.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to change the name I had set my heart because a family member has now used it.

Tippexy · 13/01/2018 11:59

Give your son your grandfather’s name. It doesn’t sound like this other boy is going to be in your life for too long anyway, and you’d regret not giving it him them.

TurquoiseDress · 13/01/2018 11:59

Also, I'd be up front with SIL telling her that this is name you've both chosen to use and will be using it for your new baby.

If she's got a problem with that well it's hers to deal with.

TurquoiseDress · 13/01/2018 12:02

Just read the post about the FB announcement re baby's name Grin

I am sure doing that will make SIL re-think her choice.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 12:03

Some of you need to calm the fuck down.really
The language & description of sil used is vile and not proportionate
Like a daft mob looking to whip up a fight
Stupid advice like say this, do that, get on fb and sort her out. Yawn. And rough as a dogs head

MadMags · 13/01/2018 12:05

Is your sole purpose for being on here to shit all over women who are upset about something in their lives, Lipstick?

Because that seems to be your modus operandi.

HotelEuphoria · 13/01/2018 12:05

I would also use it. She might not even be around in a few years anyway. I was called the same name as my cousin and second. She ended up living 50 miles away and is known by the long version, mine gets shortened.

I do think she is being a bitch though and would do the FB post that someone earlier mentioned.

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 12:07

have to agree with lipstick actually. It's all rather nasty and a bit Jeremy Kyle. Announcing on FB a childs name long before its born just to get one over on "the cow sil".

Shudder.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 12:07

It’s bad form to traipse gripes across mn, tsk tsk

extinctspecies · 13/01/2018 12:08

I agree with Lipstick.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 12:09

Both ladies are pg,I hope they both have a happy healthy pg.this is unnecessary hassle

Winebottle · 13/01/2018 12:09

I think you can bagsy a name. Not before you are pregnant but once it's on the way and you are asked what you are going to call it, family members should not copy. They should pick another name.

The only exception would be if they were already keen on the name and they declared that when you revealed your name. If they were undecided, that name shouldn't have entered into their thinking given you were going to use it and your reasons.

Use it anyway.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 12:15

Yy to poster correctly noting in families there are children with same names
And no I’ve not noticed it being confusing, end up like big Ewan, wee Ewan, etc

AskBasil · 13/01/2018 12:17

YES YABU nobody owns names.

She may have genuinely liked the name. It doesn't matter. You will have a child of your own with the name of the man you loved and it really won't matter to you what your DP's sister called her child. I have various cousins with the same name and it's not a problem, it's another family bond actually. You might find that your DS and his cousin have an extra bond because of the name. Or it might make no difference.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you.

Mishappening · 13/01/2018 12:19

Can't see a problem myself. You can both name your son exactly as you choose. She hasn't "stolen" it - it belongs to no-one so cannot be stolen.

Two of my GSs have the same name - no problem.

raviolidreaming · 13/01/2018 12:23

The OP seems to have disappeared anyway, so we're all just talking to ourselves. But yes, I agree with Lipstick.

MsHarry · 13/01/2018 12:23

These days when people can reveal the sex of their unborn child it seems quite commonplace to name the child and refer to the child by their name before birth. You should have been quicker to say "Oh so you don't mind there being 2 **s in the family then."
I would be annoyed to. I'd always like a girls' name and my BF at the time knew it. She had a girl first and used that name. When I mentioned it she waved it away but it pissed me off. A few years later I had a DD and i'd gone off the name anyway. Slightly different for you as the name has more significance. I guess you have to weigh up how often you see them, will other family change the names to differentiate? Would you be happy with that?

Gemini69 · 13/01/2018 12:24

Hi.. I agree with everyone on here... use the name.. but I'd go a step farther and use your own surname too.... even if you also use your DP's surname as baby's surname.. please use your own surname as a middle name.. so it's always legally there.... Flowers

and make sure everyone knows this was always your intention.. and had even confided in the cringer SIL about this intention ... Hmm

Good Luck x

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2018 12:24

OP,Sorry your grandfather's birthday! I was thinking of another thread.

MsHarry · 13/01/2018 12:26

having said that in my family there are DC named after one parent. But. the names are changed e.g Jim and James, Mick and Mike etc.

MsHarry · 13/01/2018 12:27

If she had said Oh that's my favourite name too I could understand it but OP says she didn't mention any feelings towards that name when she mentioned it so it is a bit out of order.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/01/2018 12:31

You don’t sound judgemental at all.

Use that name. If anyone ever says anything explain it all and say how you told your SIL that you’d be using the name and why and that she then decided to use it. Everyone will see her for the daft cow she is.