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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
givemesteel · 13/01/2018 10:44

Just use the name you want, you have a sentimental attachment to it and she doesn't, so she's the one that will look like a dick, if anyone is.

As pp have said just be breezy about it ie 'love the same, wink, of course I still intend to name my son after my grandfather ".

She may change the name on hearing that, she may not, but it doesn't matter.

My dh and I have a name in mind that both like if we were to have a son, which incidentally my friend also likes (not a popular name). If they have a son before we do and use that name it won't stop me from using it, as I'll regret not using it. Our kids won't be at the same school etc so I don't think it matters.

OliviaMansfield · 13/01/2018 10:46

Start referring to your bump by his name

Appuskidu · 13/01/2018 10:48

Has her baby just been born-like today?

I would get DH to make some response to his sister NOW, ‘How strange that you chose the name you knew we are going to use for our baby-in memory of x?! We will still be using that name-that will be very confusing!’

Then that gives them food for thought and they might even change their mind. Do the grandparents know what name you had chosen?

Name ‘stealing’ doesn’t normally bother me but here, it’s just weird.

PrinceofWales · 13/01/2018 10:55

I reckon it's Algernon. Grin

Just got a feeling.

Trinity66 · 13/01/2018 10:56

Use the name

Wdigin2this · 13/01/2018 10:57

Well, she's either stupid or a nasty piece of work, and I'd keep this in mind for the future if I were you! Apart from that, just go ahead and name your child whatever the hell you want to, don't give a moments thought to anything, she or anyone else says. Just keep repeating, I was ways going to name my son *** from before he was even conceived!!
However, if you were thinking of shortening it, say from Edward to Eddie/Teddy, then do so, but only because you wanted to anyway!
Don't even get into any further discussion about it!

tiggytape · 13/01/2018 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 13/01/2018 11:00

I disagree with NoSquirrels advice. There is no need to "agree a system" use whatever name your child has - for goddsake don't fix either of them with a wanky diminutive like Jonno.

Grin KioskKeith I thought it was pretty obvious that his was not “advice” but a tongue-in-cheek over-the-top suggestion via text to get SIL to rethink.

Grin at “wanky diminutive”! And of course no one should be “agreeing s system”. That’s the whole point - that SIL is being a bit odd, but pointing this out with thoughts of weird nickname “systems” might put her off.

BurningStar · 13/01/2018 11:00

You're SIL is a twat. Name your son what you want :) Don't tell SIL anything again in the future. Lesson learnt!

flumpybear · 13/01/2018 11:01

Definitely call your
Child after your Grandad - what a lovely idea - sod the SIL! And I'd make sure you tell your DP you'll be using it plus the nickname you want too 😎

Thingvellir · 13/01/2018 11:01

Definitely use the name - it means a lot to you unlike her. I think she's being really nasty tbh.

Also, assuming her baby not born yet, do Redial's genius fb idea today as well, this lays your claim and makes it clear the meaning for you, and will avoid any comments once you announce the birth of your son later on. I think your SIL might well back down...

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy Flowers

Katedotness1963 · 13/01/2018 11:03

No one can steal a name because they don't belong to anyone else. Use the name you want!

There were two girls in my high school year, they were related (either cousins or aunt and niece) they had the same first name and the same last name.

Didn't George Foreman call all his sons George? Or is that an urban legend...

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 13/01/2018 11:05

What Redial said. Stroke of genius.

I normally would say tough luck on the name thing but this is not pleasant of her if they have other options and she already knew you had such a strong reason to use it.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I'm sure your grandfather would have been just thrilled about his name being given to your son.

DistanceCall · 13/01/2018 11:05

In Indonesia there are four girls names and four boys names. No other options.

Really?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indonesian_names

Excited101 · 13/01/2018 11:06

Yes, announce on fb today, and use the name.

SIL is behaving awfully, as is your DH who isn't supporting you. And I don't blame you for judging, half the threads on here wouldn't exist if no one was judging.

wizzler · 13/01/2018 11:07

Yes use the name
.. and announce it now, everywhere

And spend some time with SIL debating middle names. I think if you put another name in her head she might prefer it .

Curious2468 · 13/01/2018 11:08

Just name him the name. If anyone comments explain he was called that from when you found out he was a boy and mention the back story. She is the one who is going to come off bad if anyone does query why you chose the same name. My daughter is named after her Nan and would have been called that regardless of what anyone close had called their babies. It was her name before she was even conceived!

Hatchinganegg · 13/01/2018 11:10

Absolutely use the name. You named your son it first anyway. Announcing it on fb is a good idea. If sil throws a fit then it proves she's deliberately being spiteful

luxed · 13/01/2018 11:10

Not really the same I know but 10 years ago whilst 8months pregnant with my son my SIL & BIL proudly introduced their new puppy to the world and named it exactly the name we had publicly chosen for our son. I was fuming and resisted actually asking them to change the dogs name. It did trouble me for a while but when my son was born his name suited him and I no longer saw it as a dogs name.

cherryontopp · 13/01/2018 11:10

You've learned 2 lessons here OP

1)Never tell people the name youll be using for your baby (i havent told anyone, im 8 month)

2)there really is some selfish pathetic cunts in this world, your sister in law being one of them.

Use your grandfather's name and if anyone asks just say hes named after my grandfather. If they mention sister in law baby, say yes i know i told her about the name and she liked it too. Let people know in a nice way she stole it off you.

My brother and his gf had a baby named it a certain name and then when my cousin had a baby they named theirs exactly the same.
The two babies have seen eachother once.

Keep your distance from this lunatic and it won't matter.

CoffeeOrSleep · 13/01/2018 11:10

Use the name!

Agree with others for either the "honouring my grandfather by announcing my soon to be born son will be named xxxx after him" Facebook post or just message her (or both!)

It's worth noting that while it might get confusing for PIL, if she's like this, you probably won't chose to spend much time with her. Because of various issues, we tend to see DBIL's kids only 2-3 times a year at PILs, so they aren't a big part of my DCs lives. It doesn't sound like you are going to chose to socialise with her much once the dcs are here, so will this be an issue for more than Christmas Day and MILs birthday lunch each year? Don't pick a different name for the sake of 2 confusing meals a year!!

HamishBamish · 13/01/2018 11:11

Use the name anyway. It was wrong of your SIL to use the name under the circumstances. She knew the reasoning behind the name being special to you and any normal person wouldn’t have used it, even is they really liked it. There are millions of other names she could have picked.

Use the name anyway.

Italiangreyhound · 13/01/2018 11:11

@SendMeOnMyWay Of course, name your son the name you want. Tell her clearly It's going to be funny having cousins with the same name. If she pulls any 'my son will be born first' crap just say 'I knew from the day my grandfather died that my son would be named XYZ and of course I will stick to that, you can name your son whatever you choose."

I personally would not try to talk her out of it, because it sounds like she would be more inclined to use it anyway!

Any complaints and I'd just say your baby, your choice of name.

Personally, I would not continue to use the phrase stole my baby name. You cannot steal a name. It's public property. What she did was insensitive and unhelpful, unpleasant etc, but she is entitled to use any name and you are entitled to be pissed off with her and, of course, to use any name you like.

(My boss named his baby the same as mine but I feel pretty sure his wife had picked it out already and it has never bothered me).

@RedialCallHold I love this idea "... announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name. "

@ZivaDiva this is so lovely "My sister and I both have sons with the same name (happily decided on) and it’s been no problem at all. Grandparents, being in possession of a working brain, were not confused in the slightest and neither were the children despite spending loads of time together growing up. In fact, the 2 with the same name have a really nice friendship even now they’re both grown up."

I did wonder if the boys might be close due to their name being the same and whatever your SIL is like hopefully the cousins can be close.

Whocansay · 13/01/2018 11:11

Use the name and never confide in this woman again, She knows what she's doing. She's just a bitch.

cherryontopp · 13/01/2018 11:13

...p.s. I agree with Hatching. Announce the name on Facebook "cant wait for baby....to come, Ive named him after my grand father" Let everyone know u chose the name first and then if she decides to name the baby the same, She'll look like the crazy one