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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 13/01/2018 12:36

One of the reasons I would strongly suggest telling her one way or another (be it FB, direct message etc) would be to see if she really wants the name, or is trying to annoy you. If she can see you'll still use it, are prepared to tell people now that you are going to and your reasons why, then she'll be the one that will look silly. If she loves the name, then she won't mind the negative comments she'll get. If she doesn't really love it, then she's got time to pick something else.

CherryMaDeara · 13/01/2018 12:37

In Indonesia there are four girls names and four boys names. No other options. If you had five children of the same sex then child number five would have the same name as child number one. It might sound bizarre to us but there is a whole country that copes so I'm sure you can too. (She does sound like a cow though 😁)

Toesinwater. Had a google, and this is just in Bali, not the whole of Indonesia. Indonesia has 260 million people so would be pretty crazy to have just 4 names.

In Bali both boys and girls get the a birth order a name but they also a second name that is their personal name.

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2018 12:39

Tell your MIL.
In the nicest way possible explain to her that this name was the one intended in your family for the first boy after your granddad passed, that you can't possible change it and you thought you should let her know.
Say it's Hamish..... James...... Mcbrown...
But say right now your not sure if your child will go by this name or not...
That this is 100% going to happen, and if your SIL wants to continue along and use that name you are fine with it, and Maybe it will Start a Tradition that the Mcbrown family call all the first born males after your dearly loved Granddad, and how proud you are that your SIL wants to honour your Granddad MCjones...

This may well be enough to upset MIL enough to ensure she changes your Darling SIL's mind......

nakedscientist · 13/01/2018 12:43

Use the name. Flowers

bfgdreamtree · 13/01/2018 12:43

she's not her mil and why would the sister listen to her mother anyway? If you'd picked a name would you let your mother change your mind?

augustbabyx · 13/01/2018 12:47

She sounds like a stupid bitch. You should still use the name and let's hope she comes to her senses before her baby is born. If she knows you are still going to carry on with the original name you had she might have second thoughts anyway x

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/01/2018 12:49

That’s vile. Calling another woman a stupid bitch
Op and the sil can both legitimately chose a name.unfortunately being same name it’s problematic

rothbury · 13/01/2018 12:52

There are three of us in my family with the same name. It has never been a problem.

YABU thinking it would be problematic to name your child the same name as SILS child, I can't see the issue at all.

YANBU thinking SIL is being quite cunty in saying she is going to use a name which, from what you have written, isn't really popular or used at all these days, very old fashioned.. I am imagining it is something like Cecil, or Roderick (apologises to all the Cecils and Rodericks but you get my drift)

I really like the idea of the "Remembering my lovely Grandad Cecil on his birthday, in your honour DS will be named after you" facebook post. Do NOT discuss it with anyone else, and especially not MIL, who will side with her own daughter.

If anyone takes issue, just say you don't have a problem with the cousins having the same name and if SIL does that's her problem, she can always call her DS something else - quote her own words back to her "that's just the way it is."

And tell your DP to grow a backbone quickly or you will be finding him less and less attractive......

Congratulations Flowers

PinkietheElf · 13/01/2018 12:53

What about calling DS by both first and family name - so not just Jon Sendmeonmyway after DGF but Jon Smith Sendmeonmyway after DGF.

If you think long term come adult hood the two boys will prob be living many miles apart doing very different things and name match will be totally irrelevant, but your DS will always know he was named after DGF.

squoosh · 13/01/2018 12:53

You've already told her that this is the name you're planning on using so I'd proceed as planned without giving it a second thought.

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2018 12:54

It's her Partners's Sister....

MIL, is meant to mean her DP's Mother..
And if my mum told me my brother's child was going to have the name that I had been told was a family name for his partner and then I had decided to use, and now we would have 2 boys of the same name in the family I would change the name...

YearOfYouRemember · 13/01/2018 12:59

Is the name Fred?

Eryri1981 · 13/01/2018 13:00

My mum had chosen a boys name and girls name for dc1 (my db), aunt then had a girl six months later and called her the name my mum had had in mind (one of the top baby names at the time), 18 months later I arrived and was given same name.

Caused a rift between mum and aunt at the time, but never bothered me or cousin (other than the name being so popular that I was always one of several girls with that name in any class throughout school). Nearly 40 years later, cousin and I still take the piss poor of our mums in a not too subtle way, as we just think it's funny!!!

So op, whilst you may have a few issues to deal with when you and sil are hormonal having just given birth, I can't imagine your son or nephew will be bothered at all.

squoosh · 13/01/2018 13:03

I think the Facebook idea is a good one. A lovely post about how dear your grandad was to you and how you're going to honour his memory by naming your son after him. It might seem slightly pass agg, but frankly who cares!

If the name really is that rare it does seem v weird and far more passive aggressive of your SIL to snaffle the name for her son.

Eryri1981 · 13/01/2018 13:04

Cousin and i had the same surname (until marriage) as well. Aunt is married to my dad's brother.

GardenGeek · 13/01/2018 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenUnicorn · 13/01/2018 13:16

Use the name and tell her you're using the name. Announce it on facebook. It's likely she wont use the name in the end as people will judge her for it.

Ermmm6 · 13/01/2018 13:17

Put it on FB today

As PP have said. Put up a pic of your Grandad AND a scan pic. Mention how it’s your Grandads birthday and you’re missing him but that soon you will be naming your son after him and how it’s going to be a tribute to a wonderful man.

This is perfect and will ensure she’s the one copying. Not you. And definitely use the name you love.

condepetie · 13/01/2018 13:58

I hope it's Norman.

squoosh · 13/01/2018 14:01

I hope it's Clarence

Laine21 · 13/01/2018 14:03

Brilliant suggestion from NoSquirrels 😀😀

Originalfoogirl · 13/01/2018 14:06

Given how many times this has happened to folk, and if it was so important to you, why on earth did you tell anyone? Let alone someone who was already pregnant, who’s baby would be born before yours. A lot of my co-workers and friends have had babies recently and every single one of them said “we aren’t saying what the name will be”

And what if “John” turns out to be “Joanna” what would you have done if you couldn’t use the name? Really, in the scheme of things, this isn’t such a big deal.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/01/2018 14:09

Your partners sister is a selfish arse hole.
There are 1000s of boys names outthere,yet she has to choose the one you have your heart set on and for a very sentimental reason, and Yes of course I'm sure someone will be along to say, but she's entitled to use any name she likes and absolutely no argument of course she is. However so are you. Therefore I'd still use it. I've got my boys name picked out. It's the only name is like. I dont care if or who uses it first. No one is changing it.

TeaAndToast85 · 13/01/2018 14:33

Use the name, and then always passively refer to her DS as something slightly different (eg bobby instead of Robert) until the END OF TIME. Pardon my French, but she is a cunt.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 14:36

You can't steal a name ffs.

Just make sure you bring your child up to be better and then coin the nickname shit-(whatever the name is) for the other kid.

"Oh look, shit Dave and his mum are coming for dinner"...