Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

[SendMeOnMyWay]

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

Your grandad was clearly v important and significant to you.i get why you’re upset
Use the name,and don’t tell anyone til your own wee baby arrives
The timing of it being GP birthday and this has hit you hard - take care

I don’t think anyone steals names,they chose a name
And that doesn’t disbar you from choosing the same name too

My dh has the same name as one of his cousins (who's older than him). The families have always been in quite close contact and I don't think there was ever an issue. One was (for example) Tom and the other one Tommy K at family functions. In every other circle they each moved in, it was just Tom.

But, by the sounds of it, your two boys might not be mixing together much. She wouldn't be top of my Christmas card list anyway, after pulling a stunt like this. She sounds a bitch.

Loads of people will say 'you don't own a name' etc, but in your case I would be really posses off and upset too. Just go ahead and use your chosen name.

Do not even think about not using that name, a lovely FB post of your scan pic saying “can’t wait to meet little ‘rupert’”, if she says anything you can tell her that she always knew you’d call your DS that and that you found it odd when she decided to make her DS that too but you have accepted it and find it lovely how she is also honouring your family by having that name. Don’t show how annoyed you are. This name is important to you so use it!

Agree with the consensus -use the name, and use the occasion of honouring your grandfather's birthday to announce it.

I'd also give the baby your last name, as you and your partner are not married (or at the very least, both last names).

She's in the wrong here but I would rise above it. Don't post or send goady things today. Just rise above it but be clear about your baby's name from now on, and if she kicks off that's the time to be sweetly confused and say "but you knew his name already - I was always going to call him after grandad. It's fine to have two with the same name, grandad would have loved it."

Just make sure this happens before hers is born so there's time for her to change her mind if she wants to.

My emotional side totally understands why this is so upsetting for you. In fact, I actually think your SIL has been a little spiteful in choosing it, given the circumstances. It's not something I would have ever done to somebody. No matter how much I loved the name, choosing the unusual option your siblings partner has confided in you, knowing it was chosen in honour of a dead Grandparent (who was effectively a parent), smacks of a blatant disregard for your feelings. It's a bit shitty.

If you're sending her a congratulatory text....

'Oh my goodness, SIL! How wonderful I had no idea you loved the name as well when I told you about it being our choice back in -insert month here-. My Grandfather would be SO delighted to know his name had been given to not one, but two babies in my new family. It's just the best news. They will be like little NAME TWINS! How cute is that?! We're going to have so many laughs over the years getting the two of them mixed up! We'll need to buy them matching 'Thing One' and 'Thing Two' style t-shirts! HUGE congratulations to you all - can't wait to meet him!'

It's such a personal thing, naming your child. It really means something. We simply cannot be rational all the time, and baby names is an area a lot of us feel very strongly about because it is so personal. I wonder if she chose it expecting you to no longer use it if she had already taken it? I know the MN consensus is 'no bagsies', but nobody I know in RL would ever use the same name a family member/friend had chosen, except maybe in the case of middle names with family ties. It's just not a 'done' thing in my circle. I have several friends who have scratched choices off their list when other friends have chosen them. It's frustrating, but it's done out of respect for the relationship.

I would still stick to your choice, OP. Please don't let this sour the name for you

I'm dying to know the name!

Your unborn child is already called that name. And was called that name first. It's not an imaginary future baby... There is a little living person inside you that has the name already.

If SIL wants to use the name too, you can't stop her. But you also can't rename your baby to suit her. That way bitter resentment lies.

Definitely use the name.

My parents lost their second child just after birth. They had a name picked out for him, and he was christened with it before he passed away.
My dad's brother and wife then named their son that same name the following year, which was, IHO, highly insensitive of them. There is also another boy in the same generation, but one of my Dad's cousins' children, called the same name. So if my brother had lived, there would have been 3 of them with the same name in the same generation.

If your grandfather's name has different short forms, then maybe you can make a difference from your SIL's child that way - if not, then give him a middle name that will be different as well.

I think, in all honesty, she's being a bit of a bitch about this and I'd watch my back in future with her - but don't let her put you off. Still use the name and if it pisses her off, tough fucking nuts. She shouldn't have tried to put one over you in the first place.

Use the name. Stepmother (about my age - weird) did exactly the same to me when our respective sons were born. She then went on to have a daughter and gave it a name uncannily close to my own name. Fucking weirdo. I stuck to my guns on my boy's name and I'm glad I did.

Lovely to have your grandfather's name recognised in two of his descendant families, and completely agree SIL has indicated she's fine with this since you'd already named your child and shared your choice. FWIW we have several family members in different generations all sharing the same name which is a special one to us, and it doesn't cause confusion. Plus pet names and nicknames evolve which tend to be specific to a particular person, whether that's (say for Thomas) Tom, Tommy, Big Tom, Little Tom, etc

Eeek Giveitfive your stepmum sounds a right wild one.does she sit on the porch all bulgy eyed in her priddy dress

I feel for you OP, but you can’t put dibs on a name. Xx

Use the name. You love it and it means something special to you. Tell her you'll still be using it and if she doesn't like that it's tough and do not be moved.

Everyone says use the name but really it's going to confuse the grandparents who have two grandchildren with the same name.

In years gone by most people called their sons after people, grandfathers especially so families often had 3/4/5 John's or Peter's or William's. They'll just be Send'sBilly and SIL'sBilly. My DH has 4 cousins with the same first name as him as they are called after their great-grandad. 2 of them have the same surname as well.

I wonder how happy the PP's who say "you don't own a name" would be if their brother named their children the same as their DC!? It's bloody weird and I'd be pissed off if my siblings used my children's names for their kids.

Well in this case OP would be doing that, using her SIL's childs name.

Everybody was convinced that I was going to be a girl. When I surprised (or possibly disappointed) them all, my parents were left without a name choice and decided on the name I was given. My parents’ friends were also expecting about 5 months later and the wife (my late honorary aunt) was very put out that the name my parents chose for me was the name she had chosen for what she hoped would be her son. This was in the days before it was possible to determine the gender of unborn babies. Anyway, my parents and their friends remained good friends for the rest of their lives (50+ years) and the duplication of names between their son and me was never a problem.

Oh and I agree def use the name. Tell the SIL you’re doing it and it might put her off using it anyway. And if not, it’s no big deal in the grand scheme of things for cousins to have the same name.

Yes, put it on Facebook and use the name around your partner's parents. Tell them about your grandfather. What's the betting they'll start dropping hints to her that it would be lovely having their first grandson named after grandad as you're naming yours after your grandfather.

Regarding your partner not making you feel supported in this, how do you think he'd feel of you give your child your maiden name? Tbh I wouldn't give my child my partner"s name anyway until I got married, as you don't know what the future holds. Much easier to change a name later, when both of you agree, rather than if he fights it.

Just use the name. She had no problem with using it knowing full well you were planning to, so you should have no problem using it knowing that she already has. It can't be all that unusual if you are both wanting to use it now, albeit for different reasons and their are probably going to be a fair few babies around with that name anyway.

Don't make this more of a drama than it needs to be. Just use the name that you always planned to.

Use it, don't make a fuss. It doesn't matter.
But also you may have felt you were clear in telling her, but she may genuinely not have remembered the name or that you said you were going to use it-or she may have thought it was something you said in the emotion of the moment and wouldn't go through with it.
It wouldn't have the same memory for her, as it wouldn't be important, as it would for you. A bit like when my dc say "oh mum you know I sit next to Erica in French, I tell you every week..." you retain information that you need or is important to you.

If you've only heard today or in the last couple of days then putting a Fb post out now will look very goady and people will think badly of you.

She'll put it: "We told Sil the name we'd picked for her baby, and within a day she announced on fb she was using the same name." and you'll find people are blaming you.

Obviously if you are ever pregnant again don't tell anyone the name!

I would make it very clear that nothing will deter you from the name, perhaps casually mention it to your MIL that she will have two grandsons with the same name. Say you were upset initially but now think it will be really 'cute'. Don't get upset in front of them you have chosen your name and are happy with your choice.

Use it. My extended family has four different "Uncle Jack"s and I've yet to hear a discussion about who stole the name from whom. It's a family name/tradition.

But the OP's child was already named before being born. SIL has decided to use a name that OP had already chosen and announced.

Oh and yes I agree, you're not married and you have a weak-ass partner who won't stand up for you with his batty family?

Give your child YOUR surname.