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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Sarahh2014 · 13/01/2018 09:44

Yes to using that name too.i bet she won't call hers that when it comes to it

cathycake · 13/01/2018 09:45

Definitely use the name its special to you. Your granddad sounds as though he was an amazing man and what a lovely way to honour him.

If you look back through your families history you would probably find the same names occurring time and time again. There's no ownership of a name
Congratulations in advance

ElsieMc · 13/01/2018 09:45

I think this is mean on her part op. Obviously matters still feel raw for you and this is an added meanness. I hardly think calling someone a cow is "vile" by MN standards, it is fairly mild tbh.

No-one owns a name, we all know that and don't need to be reminded by shouty posters. The circumstances here are relevant.

I would say nothing because when a baby is born, they sometimes do not look like the name the parents had picked out. Use your name because of the memories and traditions in your family. You could also have a middle name as a link eg Jon Paul etc. Stick to your guns and don't let this spoil a special time for you op.

AHungryMum · 13/01/2018 09:47

I think it's pretty shitty of her unless they already happened to love the name. If they did, then not naming your son the first choice name because you know someone else was going to use it would make you sad. But if she just heard you saying it and then thought "ooh that's nice we'll have it" is a bit mean, given its considerable personal significance to you.

I would still call my son by the name anyway tbf. You have your heart set on it and it's a lovely tribute to your grandad. Anything else would feel anti climactic to you. Everyone will know why you've picked the name so it's not like people will think you've copied her!

Names are such an emotive subject, I can understand why you are upset.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and don't let this ruin it for you!

Xxxx

MadMags · 13/01/2018 09:47

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name

Do this!

LittleLaura1 · 13/01/2018 09:48

Name your child what you want.

Your partner's sister may not be in your life forever anyway. From what you have said, this woman's relationship is not stable and the odds are she is likely to be a single parent in the future.

Being picky, she's not your SIL; neither of you is married so she is just the sister of your partner.

There also - sorry- seem to be cracks in your own relationship where your partner is not sticking up for you. At 23, anything could happen in your life; you are very young to have a child and your relationship may not last.

So all these people, except your baby, may drift out of your life to an extent in the years to come. Which is why you need to call your child what you want as you will always be a mum to them.

SantaTheChristmasElfSlayer · 13/01/2018 09:48

"If it’s ‘incredibly old fashioned’ you might want to rethink using it anyway."

I have an old fashioned name picked out if my baby is a girl. It was my grandmother's aunt's name (the lady who raised her). I don't care if it's old fashioned, it's beautiful and I love it. If the op wants to honour her son with her grandfather's name, she definitely should!

C0untDucku1a · 13/01/2018 09:51

100% agree with everyone else. Love the fb announcement remebedinfnyou gd on his bday and expalining how you decided to honour him.

Jessbow · 13/01/2018 09:51

If she is your S in L, presumably the father of the baby is your Brother? Yes?

In which case you share a grandfather, so he has equal call on naming his son after his grandfather, does he not?

If your sister in law is your partners sister ( so you never shared that grandparent) you have ''the reason'' for using the name.

''We called our boy [ insert really old fashioned uncommon name] because it was my grandfathers name. I have no idea why Bob and sally did''

Further than that, it really doesn't matter, nor will anyone else care.

niknac1 · 13/01/2018 09:52

I would use the name, if asked about the duplicate names in the future you will be seen as reasonable but your SIL may live to regret her choice to use the name.

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/01/2018 09:52

I hardly think calling someone a cow is "vile" by MN standards, it is fairly mild tbh.

Ha ha! so because people on MN are abusive to each other at a higher level that makes it OK.

It really doesn't. I can't bear the word "cow". It's a derrogatory term that only women use about other women. It is particularly vile because it has that sexist overtone and is worse because it is women colluding in anti-women language.

LadyBunnysWig · 13/01/2018 09:53

My grandma calls all of us by the same name anyways

Socksey · 13/01/2018 09:53

Or SIL is DHs sister.... which is how I read it.... so not the same GF

SoupDragon · 13/01/2018 09:54

As per other suggestions, go with a delighted “I’ve just realised that you’re naming your baby after ours! How lovely!”

Aria2015 · 13/01/2018 09:55

Use the name! My dh has the exact same name as one of his cousins (first and surname), it's considered a family name so no one bats an eyelid but even if it wasn't, him having the same name as his cousin is not an issue at all. Don't compromise on the name you've had your heart set on. If your sil says anything, just tell her that you'd told her what the baby's name was ages ago and all you've done is stick to it!

rainbowstardrops · 13/01/2018 09:56

YES, YES, YES to the fb post!!! Going along the lines of ‘Thinking of my dear grandfather today on his birthday ........ etc etc. What better honour to him that our precious son will be named after him .......
Or something like that! Get it ‘out there’ first

c3pu · 13/01/2018 09:56

Rule #1 of baby naming: never, ever tell anyone the name.

Emilybrontescorsett · 13/01/2018 09:57

Yes use the name.
Unless you decide on another name which is often the case.
I have been in this situation, twice!

In both cases we chose another name,
The first was because the name was very unusual and good friends of ours 'stole it'
No doubt about it as they said they didn't have a name and I told them that if I ever had a ds I would name him 'John Michael'. They chose the exact name.
Their child was a nightmare child and even though dh said let's still use the name I couldn't bring myself to because of all the negative connotations our group of friends held about this name.
Their John Michael was literally out of control.
We moved in the same social circle which made it worse, my dh was best man at their wedding!

The second instance was my sil. She told me her dh liked the name 'Suzie' but she didn't. I had already decided to use this name if I became pregnant again , it's a family name and at the time was very unusual/old fashioned. I told her this she said that her dh wouldn't budge.
Again we toyed with the idea of using it.
In the end we used another name, not telling dh side of the family until dd was born. It was my bils first daughters name which we had only not come considered because she had the name,
I'm glad we used the name we did. Then using Suzie allowed us to call dd what we liked iyswim.
Suzie suddenly became more common. Our dds name didn't.

Long post!

I

MissEliza · 13/01/2018 09:57

Use it anyway. My dad is named after his gf and so is his younger cousin. No one minded.

pictish · 13/01/2018 09:57

I'd go for the fb post approach myself. Put up a photo of your lovely granddad with a post detailing his qualities and end it by announcing your baby's name. Do it now.

HolyShet · 13/01/2018 09:57

I assumed husband's sister Jess

OP, in the nicest possible way, you are grieving, this is not a big issue, not really. Nothing prevents you using the name, and you absolutely should. There is no reason why another child in the family being called it should upset you either.

Your SIL is being insensitive but that seems true to form, some people just are a bit thoughtless. There is no need for anyone to "stick up for you" - not need for a barney- let it be. I would, however, consistently make it very clear to her/family- that regardless of what they call their child, you will still be using the name to honour and remember your grandad.

BTW I bet you a fiver she doesn't even use the name in the end.

VeganIan · 13/01/2018 09:58

Use your granddad's name. I'd use your surname rather than your DP's too.

hmmmmm · 13/01/2018 09:58

Are you going to do the fb announcement?

C0untDucku1a · 13/01/2018 09:58

Yes to what vegan said.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/01/2018 09:59

Is it a name that you can pick a veriation to? Eg - Earnet/Earnie (old name so I chose it in case I’m right Grin)

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