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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
WingsOnMyBoots · 13/01/2018 09:12

If you want to give your grandfather's name to your child do it. I would. I think you may regret it forever if you don't.

ShoesHaveSouls · 13/01/2018 09:12

Yes, use it anyway, and if anyone queries why the cousins have the same name, smile and say "oh baby was always going to be named x after my beloved grandfather. It was decided before he was even conceived" etc etc.

jellycat1 · 13/01/2018 09:12

Yanbu and you should definitely go ahead and use the name. She sounds pretty horrible.

RedialCallHold · 13/01/2018 09:12

*no one.

TerracottaAmy · 13/01/2018 09:12

It's quite possible by the time she has the baby that she will change her mind anyway. I wouldn't make a big thing of it with her.

We were going to name our first child (a boy) a particular name and then for very boring reasons we decided against it. By the time our 3rd son was born, the boring reasons had evaporated and so we used the name as we'd always liked it.

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/01/2018 09:14

I never understand these kind of "stole my name" threads. FGS just name your child what you want to.

It's not like humans haven't worked out how to distinguish people with the same name. Ever worked in a company with two/five/ten Johns/Sarahs/Victorias? It's not really that difficult.

Who cares what your SIL/neighbour/best friend has called their child? Probability is that by the time they are 18 they won't even be speaking to each other let alone be in the same room.

I disagree with NoSquirrels advice. There is no need to "agree a system" use whatever name your child has - for goddsake don't fix either of them with a wanky diminutive like Jonno.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/01/2018 09:15

DP just told me you think baby will be called John too! Exciting - we’ll have 2 of them, will be so much fun for the cousins to be “name twins”!! My grandfather would be really honoured there will be 2 babies with his name, so sweet! Suppose we might need to agree a system for family gatherings so GPS aren’t confused lol - will yours be Jonnie or Jonno, do you think?

Brilliant.

Also, in the naming ceremony have a little piece - preferably on something written - honouring your grandfather and saying something along the lines of how you had always planned to honour him by calling your first born son after him.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/01/2018 09:17

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name

Also brilliant. Do it today.

Flowers for your loss OP. I hope that your day is a peaceful one.

Littlepond · 13/01/2018 09:19

I think she is being awful but I agree, use the name anyway. Tell her you plan to. I know people who have announced baby's name before the birth so you could do that, my neighbour was referring to her unborn child as Emily as soon as she'd had the 20 week scan and found out the sex, she put it on Facebook, had "Emily" bunting made for the baby shower etc - could you do something like that? Buy an item with the name on, put it on FB "bought baby's first [whatever]! Named after my beloved Grandfather. Can't wait for baby X to arrive!"

No one owns a name but your SIL sounds like she's just being vindictive about it.

Sorry for your loss of your grandfather Flowers

Skittlesandbeer · 13/01/2018 09:20

Use your grandad’s name for sure, and then double down and add your grandad’s middle name (or surname as middle name) for good measure.

You know that thing where you actually USE your kids middle name with their first for the first few months or years? Do it, it’ll reinforce the importance and commemorative nature of your son’s name. Speak loudly, freely and frequently about your grandad. Put blown up pics of him in prominent positions around the house. Organise a memorial pub dinner on his every birthday to underline the connection.

Be loud and proud (most of all loud Grin)

How nice of her to name her kid for your grandad too, right...?

WheresYouWheelieBin · 13/01/2018 09:20

Use the name you want, be very clear with her about it so she has the option to change her mind before her baby is born, and be very clear with anyone who asks that you chose the name to honour your grandfather. Kids grow into their names, and their names grow into them. My youngest has a very popular name (all of my children do) and one of his friends has the same name, but when I hear the friend called his name it just sounds different to me because I picture him in my head instead of my little boy. Sounds weird I guess!

Gacapa · 13/01/2018 09:20

Tell her that you're still definitely going to use your grandfather' name.

I bet she will use a different one when it comes to it.

grasspigeons · 13/01/2018 09:20

I get that no one owns a name but I think it lacks social grace of your sister in law to use a name in these circumstances and I would be upset too.

Was the baby going to have your partners surname? If so, can you decide you now want it to be the surname of your grandfather - that might make your DH decide to take action.

Neolara · 13/01/2018 09:20

Definitely give your baby your grandfather's name. Just make sure you don't tell your sil the middle name in advance in case she likes that too..

Willswife · 13/01/2018 09:21

Definitely use it.

I would let sil know that you will still be using it as well, it may be that she then rethinks. I would tell the Grandparents, in a jokey way that sil likes the name so much she's using it as well, they may well have a word.

Whilst no one has rights to a name, I do think it's an unkind thing to do.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 13/01/2018 09:22

Also, as PPs have said, start using the name in public right now - in conversation, on FB, everywhere! This is your son’s name and this is why you chose it.

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 09:22

Message her and say you were a little shocked to hear she had chosen the same name as you but now you feel flattered that she wants to name her child after yours before they're even born, and that you're sure they will be life long friends as well as cousins!

x2boys · 13/01/2018 09:23

Seriously I'm.not sure why this is suchbs big deal? I have a seventies style double barrel name "Sarah-Jane" (Not real name) and my cousin is "Jane" nobody cared and I never questioned it whilst growing up also amongst the same set of cousins I had two cousins with very similar names bar a letter "Hanna " and "Anna" again no One cared.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 13/01/2018 09:23

DP just told me you think baby will be called John too! Exciting - we’ll have 2 of them, will be so much fun for the cousins to be “name twins”!! My grandfather would be really honoured there will be 2 babies with his name, so sweet! Suppose we might need to agree a system for family gatherings so GPS aren’t confused lol - will yours be Jonnie or Jo, do you think?

That’s the polite way of making her aware to he will be ‘John’.

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name

This however is very effective, public, still polite... yes. Do that!

And for fuck’s sake, please use the name. Two cousins with the same name isn’t a problem imo.

I have cousins named Milo, Miro, Mira, Mia, Mila, Milan, Serafim and Seraphina. (And heaps of other cousins)

SeaCabbage · 13/01/2018 09:23

Of course having the same name as someone doesn't matter but in this situation, the SIL has been a cow. A massive cow! It's not like she has chosen Ben, it is apparently a very unusual name.

I agree wiht others that you should go ahead and name your baby that name.

But personally I would also have a chat with her about it. See if you can appeal to her better nature. Sadly it sounds like she doesn't have one.

Your partner sounds rather weak too Sad

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/01/2018 09:23

Go ahead and use it. I think it was a bit off of SiL to tell you she was going to use it, though, after you'd told her it was your own choice.

The son of someone I know has the same (very common) name as his father, because that father 'had to' have a son with the same name.

That son went on to give his own son the same name! 3 in one family, must be so confusing, but they seem to manage.
So please don't worry or stress about it, OP.

Idontdowindows · 13/01/2018 09:23

My cousin and I have the same name, but at least my mum's sister discussed this with my mum beforehand and everyone was fine with it. My cousin and I both know why we're called what we're called and we love it.

Use the name. It means something to you. Let her know that you're still going to use it and that you're not going to change your mind just because she's being an arse.

roomsonfire · 13/01/2018 09:24

I second announcing it on FB with your sons name and when hes due to arrive.

You may get gifts when hes born with his name on it too which would be rather lovely

ZivaDiva · 13/01/2018 09:24

My sister and I both have sons with the same name (happily decided on) and it’s been no problem at all. Grandparents, being in possession of a working brain, were not confused in the slightest and neither were the children despite spending loads of time together growing up. In fact, the 2 with the same name have a really nice friendship even now they’re both grown up.
I can never understand this obsession with not repeating names, previous generations managed just fine.

BewareOfDragons · 13/01/2018 09:25

I agree you should use the name you planned to use. It was your grandfather's name, he raised you, he meant a lot to you, and you are naming your child after him in his honour as he is gone now.

Everyone knew you were going to do it. So do it.

Remind your inlaws now that you have already named your son after your grandfather if it's bothering you that much. Let them deal with their DD if it's such an issue in the family; prepare them now. You are calling your son'X', end of. And there will be no 'little X' or 'X jr' etc allowed. It will just be 'X'.