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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
CatkinToadflax · 13/01/2018 10:00

I get where you're coming from OP. My DS1 is named after my beloved great uncle - he has his first and middle names - and it was hugely important to me that if I had a boy he should have those names. Did your grandfather have a middle name? Could you use that as well as his first name to make it even clearer that your DS is named after him?

I do think your SIL deciding on the same name is bizarre, especially if it's very unusual (intrigued to know what the name is??). DS2 and his cousin have virtually the same name - one is the diminutive of the other - and I was a bit Confused when SIL announced cousin's name (cousin is two years younger). The grandparents do get confused between names, but everyone gets by.

Ghostontoast · 13/01/2018 10:00

I would name your son after your Grandfather.

As she’s going to have 6 children (and maybe more by the way she carries on) that her son is going to get lost in the crowd so to speak.

etap · 13/01/2018 10:01

"SendMeOnMyWayDS" is unavailable. Would you like to try "SendMeOnMyWayDS2018"?

etap · 13/01/2018 10:02

@PeppaPig - EARNET?!! Grin Grin Grin

FlakeBook · 13/01/2018 10:02

Definitely go with the fb announcement today in honour of your lovely gf's birthday and refer to your ds as "Cedric" from now on in every conversation.

Ellendegeneres · 13/01/2018 10:03

I came on thinking 🙄🙄 no one owns a name, this kind of thread has been done to death.
But. Big but. Your child’s name was known and chosen before even conception. It is important to you. She knew this. So actually, she’s copying you and I’d make jokes of it if she does call her kid the same thing- how cute that you chose to honour my grandfather by calling your child after him too!
Make it known what your ds will be called. Do it publicly and ensure that people know the meaning behind it to you.
Fwiw my ds was named at 16weeks- I just decided the name was perfect. Ordered name bunting, people bought personalised gifts. Nearly 5years on, he’s every bit that name and I can’t imagine another name for him. Ndn tried to put me off it by saying what an awful name, not in the top 100, no one would know how to pronounce it, but in passing conversation a year or so ago, her mum told me that she wanted the name for her own (hypothetical) kid.
Ds is named a perfectly lovely easy to pronounce but not particularly popular name by the way.

ineedwine99 · 13/01/2018 10:04

Keep the name. It has meaning to you

FlakeBook · 13/01/2018 10:04

And don't even think of not using the name, or demoting it to middle name. She probably won't even use it when the time comes and if she does, your reasons for using the name outweigh any cousin issue.

SabineUndine · 13/01/2018 10:04

Did your granddad have a middle name too? If so I’d use both.

Notreallyarsed · 13/01/2018 10:04

Usually on threads like this I’d say, get a grip it’s just a name, but this is different imo.

This name is very special to you for a reason and I think she’s been really snide about it. So I’d go ahead with the name, because you chose it for a very special reason and it has great meaning to you. If she has a problem with that, well it’s her fucking problem isn’t it?

FizzyGreenWater · 13/01/2018 10:06

Definitely use the name, as a FIRST name, as you planned.

Agree with the posts on here - it doesn't matter at all if they have the same name (you may end up with the families really not being close at all as time goes on anyway), but in the meantime get to work with that reverse psychology and I bet she might end up changing her mind.

'It will be really cute that they have the same name, makes me feel like they are really both representing MY side of the family which is lovely! I guess you can always call the next one after your side if you have another? Wow it will almost feel as if they're both my wee boys in a way, they'll be close as brothers, you'll have to send your XXX over to ME to find out what his namesake was like of course, as you didn't know him! I'll have to think of a nickname if he's called XXX of course, we always do that with our side of the family...'

On and on.

She'll change her mind I reckon.

ToesInWater · 13/01/2018 10:08

In Indonesia there are four girls names and four boys names. No other options. If you had five children of the same sex then child number five would have the same name as child number one. It might sound bizarre to us but there is a whole country that copes so I'm sure you can too. (She does sound like a cow though 😁)

FizzyGreenWater · 13/01/2018 10:10

Oh and yes announce on FB.

If I were a real cow I'd suggest that you hint that 'there might even be TWO' in your post as Sis In Law also likes the name, and gush over YOUR grandad and YOUR side of the family carrying on the name.

She gets annoyed - you look blank and say, well, that's my very precious grandad's name so if you're going to use it, then get used to me feeling I've got the right to talk about him and the name, because I have. You didn't know him, so I guess it's going to be a less special name for you, but that's fine, there's no problem with you using it.

wifeyhun · 13/01/2018 10:10

Use the name and make it well known it is in honour of your granddad. I think your SIL sounds a bit spiteful.

Capricornandproud · 13/01/2018 10:11

Absolutely call him after your grandfather! A PP made a brilliant point in that SHE has made the decision for there to be two kids in the family with the same name, not you. You had already named your son and simply say that to anyone that asks! Also, and it's not an issue for you at the minute, but if you and your DP ever split up you hugely regret not following your heart. Also you mention PCOS and as a fellow lack of fertility sufferer I was worried I'd only get one shot at naming my son so chose the name I loved. Best of luck for your pregnancy OP xx

number1wang · 13/01/2018 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveShouldBeALockedDoor · 13/01/2018 10:12

In your case I'd still use the name. This happened to me and DH with his best friend and his GF. Me and his friends partner were discussing names (like your SIL she didn't have one) and I said we would be using "R" and thought nothing more of it. A few weeks later she decided that was her baby name. Sadly their DS died and arrived early so out of respect we picked a different name. What happened to them was awful and deeply affected my birth and pregnancy. We had plans for our boys to play together Sad

Capricornandproud · 13/01/2018 10:13

Absolutely call him after your grandfather! A PP made a brilliant point in that SHE has made the decision for there to be two kids in the family with the same name, not you. You had already named your son and simply say that to anyone that asks! Also, and it's not an issue for you at the minute, but if you and your DP ever split up you hugely regret not following your heart. Also you mention PCOS and as a fellow lack of fertility sufferer I was worried I'd only get one shot at naming my son so chose the name I loved. Best of luck for your pregnancy OP xx

Batteredfish · 13/01/2018 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Capricornandproud · 13/01/2018 10:14

Apologies for double post... bloody phone...

spankhurst · 13/01/2018 10:14

Use the name. We have loads of James in our wider family. And I know someone with 2 grandchildren the same name. It's fine.

2Cold4me · 13/01/2018 10:15

redial has the right idea! Announce your baby's name on FB today, in memory of your dear GF.

If she still goes ahead, everyone will know it was your pick first and why.

MsSquiz · 13/01/2018 10:16

While I agree that no one owns a name, I do think it's unfair of someone close to you (immediate family or best friend) to name their child the name you had told them you would name your child, especially given the reason why.

It's all about consideration really...

I would still go with the name you have picked and see if she actually does go through with it

littlerobyn · 13/01/2018 10:17

What a bitch your SIL is!! I could never do that to anyone!!
I'd definitely make it clear to her you're fucked off she has done that to you and that you're still using the name whether she does or not.
She'll likely change her mind then anyway.
I don't think anyone "owns" a name under normal circumstances, but you've got to be a massive dick to use the name in this situation.
Thanks so sorry for your loss op, take it easy

alotalotalot · 13/01/2018 10:18

It is mean of her. Just make it clear to everyone that you will be sticking with it too.