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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

293 replies

SendMeOnMyWay · 13/01/2018 08:45

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 13/01/2018 09:27

Inwould do what Redial said of it means that much to you. Bagsy 🙄 it first. Tbh it sounds like she did it on purpose, I cannot imagine using a name a family memeber or a friend said was important to them pregnant first or not.
I’m one of three people named the same name in my close family and it’s stupid tbh. I was named the second and a cousin was named after me. WhyConfused so many names to choose from.

shakingmyhead1 · 13/01/2018 09:29

DP just told me you think baby will be called John too! Exciting - we’ll have 2 of them, will be so much fun for the cousins to be “name twins”!! My grandfather would be really honoured there will be 2 babies with his name, so sweet! Suppose we might need to agree a system for family gatherings so GPS aren’t confused lol - will yours be Jonnie or Jo, do you think?

That’s the polite way of making her aware to he will be ‘John’.

Fuck her, announce your baby's name on facebook, put it out there he's being named after your grandfather, it's his birthday today so that will be a nice tribute to him and show her you still will be using your name

This however is very effective, public, still polite... yes. Do that!

This a million times this! make it a big deal and she will back down or look really bloody stupid, get lots of little "name" items and show off on FB too, really hammer home you are using "John" and hers is a copy

Lilonetwo · 13/01/2018 09:30

Definitely go ahead and use the name. It means the world to you. Not that you should have.l to justify your choice- but if anyone ever questioned it, just explain your baby is named after your grandfather and that was more important to you than sharing a name with his cousin.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2018 09:30

I totally agree with the comments upthread about plastering it all over social media. I also love the comment about “twins”. Please, don’t concede the name to them and use it as a middle name. Use your gfs name and be proud.

If anyone asks, be very sweet and explain you told her when you were both pregnant that you were naming your ds after your grandfather. It seems she loved the name so much she decided to name her ds after him too. Just let her look the fool and don’t admit your upset.

TimeforCupcakes · 13/01/2018 09:30

Use your grandfather's name. She's a CF and knows exactly what she's doing. I think the Facebook announcement on his birthday is a great idea x

user1483387154 · 13/01/2018 09:31

YABU
But use the name anyway.

3 of us (cousins) have the same name as it meant a lot to each family for different reasons. It was never an issue and all of us had different nicknames

crisscrosscranky · 13/01/2018 09:31

I wonder how happy the PP's who say "you don't own a name" would be if their brother named their children the same as their DC!? It's bloody weird and I'd be pissed off if my siblings used my children's names for their kids.

I agree that you should announce how excited you are to be able to name your son after your grandfather and over-egg how special it is to you. Can your PIL not mediate this one?

Love2cook · 13/01/2018 09:31

Use the name, it's pretty irrelevant what she decides to do. Make it clear that's what you intended to do and you'll find she will probably change her mind. I really feel for you but if it's a lovely name it won't matter when your LO is here. Could you use a cute nickname while he's young to differentiate? I love names like Teddy for Edward ect.

LillianGish · 13/01/2018 09:31

Announce his name now - once I knew what sex both my dc were going to be we told everyone the name. I referred to my children by name from that moment on - it really helped me to bond with them and get used to the idea of them before they were born. No need to say anything about your SIL - just let it be known that that’s his name. If she chooses to use the same name then that’s up to her, but at least yours is out there first. Lots of fathers and sons have the same name - no reason cousin’s can’t.

Llangollen · 13/01/2018 09:32

I agree with all the above, use the name, and don't be shy of explaining why. Just ignore your SIL.

(Completely different scenario of course) I remember friends who call their baby boy "George" when he was born in spring 2013. They were not amused when Prince George arrived, as it will sound that they copied the name in years to come Grin

ApplesTheHare · 13/01/2018 09:33

SendMeOnMyWay Use the name and don't worry about SIL. Lots of families use repeated names and it's not an issue.

BunsOfAnarchy · 13/01/2018 09:33

Here's the thing. If grandparents are anything like my mum and dad they will regularly call all us siblings and our respective halves by the same name accidentally (my brothers name usually), and the grandkids names get mixed up too Lol. We should all just been given the same name to begin with; I've spent 30 years being called by my brothers name! We all laugh about it all the time and it bothers no one.

I do however don't understand what would possess your sil in being a petty bitch and 'name stealing'. I personally wouldn't unless it too meant something very meaningful to me.

But. You should still name your son after your grandad. It's a beautiful thing to do. Sil can f off.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/01/2018 09:33

When we were young if you wanted to know a gfs name just look at the name of the first born gs in each family. They all had the same name. Never an issue. In my family 2 of my cousins have my name as it was my grans name. We thought it made us the special ones.
Use the name. Make no apologies. Just go abead completely as normal.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 13/01/2018 09:34

Just use the name.

sonjadog · 13/01/2018 09:34

Play her at her own game. Put it on fb as mentioned above, or text her and say on consideration you think it will be great that the cousins have the same name as it will bring them closer together.

rainbowstardrops · 13/01/2018 09:35

As the name is very uncommon these days, I think your SIL has been an utter bitch! It would be different if it was a popular name or if it was her grandfather too and she also wanted to honour him but that isn’t the case.

Definitely use your grandfather’s name as your DS’s first name and make it clear to everyone that your DS was always going to be named this and SIL then copied you.

I would have to speak to her because I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue but that’s because I’m a bit gobby.

Failing that, I’d mention to your partner’s parents that your DS will also have that name as that was earmarked for him before he was even conceived and SIL has now decided to use it too.

I’d be getting it out there now and not wait for the birth of your son.

I can understand why you’re upset Flowers

KioskKeithForPresident · 13/01/2018 09:35

Of course having the same name as someone doesn't matter but in this situation, the SIL has been a cow. A massive cow!

Quite apart from the fact that calling another woman a cow is vile, this is just completely untrue.

There is no property in a name. There just isn't. What is so wrong with her/BIL also wanting to honour the grandfather or just use that name because they like it? IT IS NOT STOPPING ANYONE INCUDING OP FROM USING THAT NAME.

These kind of threads drive me crazy because they are so daft and unreasonble. I just do not understand why people just don't use the name they want irrespective of who else is using it. It isn't hard to distinguish between people, it really isn't.

It's ever more insane when people get all huffy about a friend using the same name and decide they can't use it - it's not like these children are going to be inconvenienced by this. As I said above, they probably won't be in the same room for the majority of their lives.

AJPTaylor · 13/01/2018 09:36

My brother and cousin have the same name. We all just got on with it

CharlieBoo · 13/01/2018 09:37

What is the name? Grin

pictish · 13/01/2018 09:37

I agree that you should absolutely use the name you want. Make sure you tell your bitch-ass sil that you plan to. I even think the fb post idea is a good one to cement it. Get in there first and all that. Fuck her. You explained the sentiment and meaning behind your choice and she didn't give a shit so why should you?

Ultimately it doesn't matter if the boys have the same name. Go for it.

luxed · 13/01/2018 09:40

Yes go ahead and use the name, it is your sons identity that matters, he will have a lovely story behind his name that he was named after someone special. You told her what you intended to do. I'd secretly revel in the fact that you are going ahead and doing what you said you had planned and hopefully it will put her nose out of joint! It really won't affect the boys.

FlouncyDoves · 13/01/2018 09:40

If it’s ‘incredibly old fashioned’ you might want to rethink using it anyway.

Ollycat · 13/01/2018 09:41

Everyone says use the name but really it's going to confuse the grandparents who have two grandchildren with the same name.

I’m sorry but really?? I think the grandparents will manage just fine.

OP call your baby the name it really doesn’t matter.

Crumbs1 · 13/01/2018 09:41

Lots of families have children with the same name. They consider them family names. Our boys and their male cousins all share a middle name. You can’t steal names.
You sound like you have a lot going on and rather than destroying family relationships over it, I wonder whether bereavement counselling might help given you were so close to your grandfather? Local hospices often support families in this way even if he wasn’t a hospice patient.

StellaTins · 13/01/2018 09:43

Use it. What name is it by the way?