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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think having sex as a female is dangerous

442 replies

Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 11:12

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 12/01/2018 14:28

Don't go to bed with someone who pressures you to do what you dont want. 'Everyone else does it' is the teenage bleat, do not have sex with someone with this attitude.

Use condoms.

Perhaps get to know someone a bit before dropping knickers.

Risk reduction methods. Life is a risk with a 100% fatality rate.

SilverySurfer · 12/01/2018 14:28

YABU. If you know so many women who have been infected to the extent you say I can only assume they are all a bit thick and didn't use condoms.

How on earth did I manage to reach my 70s without catching a single thing? Is it a miracle or common sense?

Love the joke about going to the Feminism Board for reasoned answers - thanks for the laugh Grin

notgivingin789 · 12/01/2018 14:28

Yes it's bullying bingbongnoise. Want me to look up the definition for you ?

MrsNacho · 12/01/2018 14:29

The obvious answer here is to use a condom - including for oral sex.

notgivingin789 · 12/01/2018 14:30

thegreatbeyond Was you a bully in high school ? I guess belittling others gives you that nice kick up the arse.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/01/2018 14:31

Pregnancy is the one bonus..."
Then you're doing it wrong.

And buy some condoms

MsHarry · 12/01/2018 14:33

Well I love sex, always have and now in my 40s and married 20+yrs. Our health is to be taken care off, precautions taken and after that just enjoy your sexuality OP. Not many things that good are free.

MsHarry · 12/01/2018 14:33

care of

Lambside · 12/01/2018 14:34

Within months of my sex life starting I had had cystitis and thrush. Lovely beginning.
Whilst I feel the OP is exaggerating the situation I would agree to some extent with her/him.

user1471448556 · 12/01/2018 14:35

I get what the OP is saying, but I think the situation now is a lot better than in the past. 60+ years ago, sex really was dangerous for women - limited access to contraception (only for married people), so unwanted pregnancy was a massive risk and who would bear the consequences both physically and socially? Not the men, that's for sure. Childbirth itself was more dangerous.

It's much better nowadays, but sex still carries additional risks/worries for women - unwanted pregnancy, cystitis, thrush, BV.

I remember reading an article once about a woman who had managed to extricate herself from a really deprived community - she ended up doing really well for herself and she put it down to the fact that she was a lesbian. Pretty much all her friends from school had ended up pregnant as teenagers and given up their education. She had relationships as a teen, but she was never at risk of pregnancy!

thegreatbeyond · 12/01/2018 14:41

@notgivingin789

I have no idea what you are talking about.

RickGrimesStoleMyHat · 12/01/2018 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 12/01/2018 14:48

I just don't believe sleeping with women poses the same threat

I’ve dated men and women. I love women. But goodness, dating men is usually easier. I know, massive generalisation, but ime? A man’s happiness is much ‘simpler’ and ‘easier’.

And the stats for domestic abuse in female same sex relationships is too high. And it’s unfortunately something we don’t talk about enough...

WeAllHaveWings · 12/01/2018 14:51

With education, HPV vaccines, HIV treatment, etc sex is much safer now than when I started in the 1980s!

I can see your point about you assessing the risk and deciding never to have sex again, but (no offence) is that simply because you are older and more risk adverse than you were in your youth? I know I worry more about my ds catching something nasty than I worried about myself when I was young (and ds is only 13 and no where near sexually active!!)

MinorRSole · 12/01/2018 14:52

Actually @quitealotlost I was replying to a pp who quoted 1 friend so yes I was talking about one woman, as was she. And I was replying to you quoting me so quite appropriate to aim my reply at you!

Huskylover1 · 12/01/2018 14:55

I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again

Blimey, I'd shoot myself. What an utterly depressing thought. Don't you like sex/men/penises? I happen to think they're great!

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 12/01/2018 14:55

OP, I get what you’re saying in some ways.

Sex is riskier for women. Much riskier.
Even without the risk of domestic violence, being murdered by your partner, sexual assault, rape etc.

Just ‘normal’ sex... and it sucks.

I have told my DH after we started to get a bit more serious that I would do my very best to absolutely ruin him if he ever endangered my health by cheating. Call this OTT, ‘bitchy’ or whatever but yes, that’s how I feel and I’ve made it very clear, explained my reasoning, my thoughts about threesomes, monogamy etc...
tbh, I think I shocked him a bit. He still calls it ‘German bluntness’. (I’m not even German, I just speak German...)

Btw, there are several countries where you could add clauses about STDs to a pre-nup.

TakeTheCrown · 12/01/2018 14:58

My ex work colleague contracted genital herpes after her long term boyfriend cheated on her. They didn't use condoms because long term relationship, but he didn't use condoms with whoever he cheated with either. It sounds like she'll be dealing with this the rest of her life, and he thinks she may as well stay with him now, because no-one else will want her. Isn't that lovely?

FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 12/01/2018 15:05

Take

Couldn’t she sue him for this in the U.K.? Might even be criminal or criminally negligent (definitely would be in some countries)?

quitealotlost · 12/01/2018 15:08

@DonkeySkin really interesting post. Lots of food for thought.

2boysDad · 12/01/2018 15:09

"I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine"

Your daughters are fortunate - they will get the HPV vaccine free at the age of 14. Boys however are not vaccinated on the NHS. I will be paying £400 for each of them to be vaccinated when they reach 14.

And before anyone responds with any crap about boys not needing the vaccine - yes they do. Cancers of the mouth, head and anus are all caused by the HPV virus and incidents of these cancers are growing quickly.

Sexism works both ways.

ClaryFray · 12/01/2018 15:14

I have a healthy sex life. Always have. I haven't had any of those things. It's about being careful and sensible.

Men give it to women!! Honestly. Leave your DDs sex Ed to someone else.

cherryontopp · 12/01/2018 15:23

Take a similar situation happened with ny friend.
She was with her ex boyfriend for nearly 10 years when she found out she had chlmydia. Turns out, he cheated on her 2 years before, symptoms were dormant for years. Obviously they didnt use condoms as it was a long term relationship.
Fast forward 5 year, and she had to undergo IVF as her tubes were blocked due to the chlamydia and had an ectopic pregnancy.

Freddie it should be legally wrong.

OP i agree. It can be dangerous for women, those who are in relationship who don't use protection.

Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 16:13

Fair point about boys. But this is my point. How can anyone enjoy giving oral sex when getting mouth cancer is a possibility? Or getting genital warts in your throat? Its grim.
Im really disappointed how many women have taken the piss of the gun analogy. Penises can attack/hurt women (and men more rarely). Just because-haha cos talking about sex is soooo funny and it feels soooo good-it is a different way of describing things, women who are usually fab at supporting those whos husbands are cheating, are using the idea that such men risk the sexual health of those posters and the mums of their children.
I am not feeling bullied far from it. Just incredulous at the minimalising comments.
If you had a friend whos husband had cheated and given her hpv which developed into cancer, would you be pissibg yourselves laughing or be distressed by the shit reality of the situation? Just because most women are healthy after sex with men, some arent and it is those i am talking about-because noone else does.
And hardly hysterical im not handwringing. How many times do wonen on here say they hate condoms or dont wear them?
Do the maths.

OP posts:
Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 16:16

Get to know someone before dropping your knickers

What a vile woman shaming comment.

And no thanks. He could have a nobel prize and a phd in maths. Doesnt mean hes safe does it?

OP posts: