To think having sex as a female is dangerous

[Bumsnetnetbums]

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

He sounds unpleasant.

Fired for calling her fat though? Get a grip!

Wrong thread, bemused.

Good name, though, for someone posting on the wrong thread.

roundaboutthetown Tue 16-Jan-18 08:48:28

"If the amount of pleasure you get from sex is low or even negative, then sex may not be worth it, just as the risk of climbing Mount Everest would be too high if you loathe mountains."

This. Plenty of people do horse-riding which is a very dangerous sport. Horse-riders end up dead or paralysed by it on a regular basis. But for horsey people, being around horses is a big part of what makes life worthwhile. Not much point in somebody who doesn't like horses coming round to tell them that they should take up crochet instead because the risk isn't worth it. It's not about whether they're "generally risk averse"; it's about what makes their lives interesting and enjoyable.

Good sex isn't about what you ought to enjoy, it is about what you de facto do enjoy, what turns you on, what you get excited about. For me, that could never be either oral or anal for physical/phobia reasons which have nothing to do with sex per se (nothing to do with oldfashioned prudery or morality). Besides, the thought simply doesn't turn me on.

Random sexual encounters, as recommended by the OP and Crook, also wouldn't do it, not for moral reasons, but simply because I don't find the thought exciting. I see no point in sex, beyond the purely reproductive, if you don't actually find it exciting. Having oral sex with a random stranger because it was supposedly more wholesome, I'd be in the situation of some poor Victorian woman lying back and thinking of Britain.

Haha. Yes, an apt name!

Oops.

surferjet - you can't catch cancer from unprotected oral sex, but you can easily get an hpv infection, which just requires skin to skin contact - no need for blood or semen to be involved to pass the infection on. As with cervical cancer, hpv is implicated in head and neck cancers (and penile and anal cancers), which is another reason why some people think the hpv vaccine should be offered to people of both sexes. The chances of any hpv infection going on to cause cancer, even cervical cancer, are low compared to the number of people thought to acquire hpv infections of the relevant type, as many people's immune systems keep the infection under control or clear it from the body eventually (but it isn't only heavy drinking, sexually prolific chain smokers whose bodies do not always manage this feat!!!), but as so many people have sex, and growing numbers of people are having oral sex, this nevertheless results in a significant number of cases of cancer. If you use protection when having vaginal sex in order to avoid STIs, I therefore do not see the logic in not using it for oral sex, nor the logic of telling yourself it's absolutely fine if you've only done it a few times. Gonorrhea and chlamydia, the two most common STIs are also easily acquired in the back of the throat from unprotected oral sex. How many women who have unprotected oral sex think to ask a sexual health clinic to swab their throat for gonorrhea and chlamydia?

Anyway, as with all activities, know the risks and then make your choices based on your own balancing of pleasure and risk!

Oh, and syphilis can be acquired from oral sex, too.

roundaboutthetown

Very informative post - thank you.

"This. Plenty of people do horse-riding which is a very dangerous sport. Horse-riders end up dead or paralysed by it on a regular basis. But for horsey people, being around horses is a big part of what makes life worthwhile. Not much point in somebody who doesn't like horses coming round to tell them that they should take up crochet instead because the risk isn't worth it. It's not about whether they're "generally risk averse"; it's about what makes their lives interesting and enjoyable. "

Similarly, there's no point is someone who likes horse riding telling someone who doesn't that they should do it anyway because the risk outweighs the pleasure for them.

Anyway, even if people obviously aren't going to stop having sex because of this thread, it's good for people to know the risks involved. There are people who don't know that condoms don't protect against all STIs, that women are more at risk of catching them from men than the other way around or who just don't consider that they might catch an STI from a cheating husband. OP's done a good job raising awareness of the risks.

"If you use protection when having vaginal sex in order to avoid STIs, I therefore do not see the logic in not using it for oral sex"

Well, I think the logic is probably not wanting a condom in the mouth (I know there are flavoured ones, but I don't think they're that popular).

"How many women who have unprotected oral sex think to ask a sexual health clinic to swab their throat for gonorrhea and chlamydia? "

Surely, this should be offered by the clinic rather than a woman having to ask for it.

Gwenhwyfar - and how many women who "only had oral sex" do you think make it to the sexual health clinic in the first place? As for generally, clinics may these days ask about oral and anal sex, but they certainly never did in the past - these were considered rare practices! Btw, as another matter of interest, it is thought men are more at risk from contracting hpv via oral sex than women, because that's two mucous membranes together (man's mouth and woman's vaginal area), rather than a penis and vagina, thus increasing the ease of transmission (also I'll bet hardly any man uses any kind of barrier protection when giving a woman oral sex, whereas at least some women insist on condoms for oral sex). As for not liking a condom in your mouth - plenty of people don't like a condom on their penis or in their vagina, either.... It's the fact that you can see, smell, hear and taste a lot more with your face than your vagina, and your mouth doesn't have a clitoris, that makes it bloody ridiculous when people suggest that if you think vaginal sex is too risky, you could try oral sex instead, as though it is remotely comparable! Also, a man's tongue in the relevant area may feel great, but probably far less so if only felt behind a protective barrier.

"Gwenhwyfar - and how many women who "only had oral sex" do you think make it to the sexual health clinic in the first place? "

I didn't know you were talking about women who only had oral sex.

" it is thought men are more at risk from contracting hpv via oral sex than women"

That helps with the balance of risk, then.

I don't think making sure men are more at risk by having unprotected oral sex with them is the right way to think about the issue!! Or, to put it another way, if a woman thinks sex is too risky, her view of the risk shouldn't change just because she has found a way to make sex more dangerous for men!!

Oh dear, my comment 'that helps with the balance of risk' was a comment on finding out that men are more at risk, rather than actually wanting to place men at risk!

Thank God for that!

This does put me off sex tbh