To think having sex as a female is dangerous

[Bumsnetnetbums]

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

PIV sex is far safer than anal sex from a STI point of view. Oral sex may protect you from pregnancy but is probably less safe than vaginal sex on the basis that fewer women use protection when doing it. You can still get sexually transmitted infections in the back of your throat, something some women seem woefully unaware of. How many women get throat swabs to check for STIs? At least the vagina is nature's intended orifice for sperm.

I don’t think anyone would suggest anal as a safe alternative!
There’s is protection that can be used for oral sex plus there is never a reason for semen to go into the throat or mouth.

Don't you mean irressponsible sex is dangerous? None of the things you've described about apart from successfully ttc have happened to me. There a many reliable and safe contraceptive methods out there (enough for most women to be able to double up at the very least without suffering side effects) so unwanted pregnancy can be reduced to the freak incident with appropriate contraceptive use. As for diseases, your chances of contracting STDs can be reduced by being sensible about who you sleep with and when. Regular testing and prompt treatment can prevent complications. It's really only dangerous if you do it in an unsafe manner.

Sex, like many activities, is never risk free. The more people you have sex with and the more often, the more likely it is you will pick up an STI at some point. Alternatively, you could only ever have sex once with one person and you could still manage to pick up a STI, so you'll never be 100% safe unless you remain a virgin, which most people do not think is worth it! Better, therefore, just to advise people of the long and short term risks, tell them it is never worth being bullied into doing something they feel is too risky for them, and try not to transfer any extreme paranoia on your part onto them.

ffsenoughalready its not about making daughters afraid to have relationships/sex with men (behaviour of boys and men have got that covered, for my eldest dd)..?its aboyt presenting not doing that as an equal, viable, valid option. Because realistically, society doesnt do that. And 'normal' ultimate goal is presented as long term heterosexual monogamous relationship with a man.

It starts really early, when boys target a girl and tease her and call her names, as an example. Girls are conditioned to believe that this is what boys are like. They do this when they like a girl. Its something girls should endure because they are aiming for the goal of relationship/sex with these boys/men

isbetterthanabox - I know several men who got gonorrhea from women who "only" gave them oral sex. People thinking oral sex is relatively safe is a problem. Men indulge in risky behaviours of all sorts. So do women. They could at least stop being quite so dim about what the risks are.

Bridge - i too am a “feminist nut” a very “feminist nut”, but I’m a sex positive “feminist nut” and believe women are just as sexual as men, they should be free to explore their sexuality and that education and not fear is key. I find it incredibly sad that you find feminism so abhorrent as it’s the reason you have the right to vote you plum !!!!

Roundabouttown
I said about using protection during oral..

"PIV is what men want so that’s why it’s seen as ‘real’ sex even though the consequences for women are awful"

There are actually women who enjoy PIV, there are even women who only enjoy PIV. Which is why dildoes were in use as long ago as 7th century Greece.

If there's one thing I really, really hate it's some other person, man or woman, telling me either that I don't enjoy sex anyway or that I can only enjoy it in certain ways that somebody else is going to prescribe for me.

For me, a large part of being a feminist is maintaining the rights to define my own sexuality.

so unwanted pregnancy can be reduced to the freak incident with appropriate contraceptive use.
Hmmm justvreading MN, it seems there are quite a lot of people that have been affected by such ‘freak incident’

As for diseases, your chances of contracting STDs can be reduced by being sensible about who you sleep with and when.
Ahhh, so it's the fault of the woman for not choosing her partners well enough then.... oh and reducing the number of partners etc...
You do realise that the fact a man has a STD isn’t wirtten all over his face and that even ‘good men’ might well have caught a std.

Cory
That doesn’t change the the risks for women. Even those that enjoy it it’s still a risky endeavour. Dildos don’t carry that risk so can be an alternative.

Its really contradictory to advocate 'being sensible' to mmitigaterrrisk, reduce sexual partners, use protection etc.....because if you take that to its logicsl conclusion, you have No sexual paarttners. Which people here are becrying as 'feminism gawn mad' and 'sad' and a symptom of poor mental health....just because another woman has a different risk analysis to oneself

itsbetterthanabox - still not getting why you appear to think protected oral sex is somehow entirely safe whereas protected vaginal sex is so incredibly dangerous it should only ever be attempted if you want to get pregnant asap. The mouth and vagina both contain mucous membranes attractive to the same bacteria, yeasts and viruses. It is also impossible to put your mouth around a man's rubber clad penis without any skin to skin contact (and likewise for a man to get his tongue in your vagina and clitoris), just as it is impossible to have protected vaginal sex without quite a bit of skin to skin contact! If you are not willing to let a man's penis inside your vagina for anything other than utilitarian purposes, I'm not sure why you should be letting it inside your mouth! The fact is, nothing is quite the same as PIV sex (with a man, not a dildo...), which is why people will keep on having it even when they would rather not reproduce.

It’s not entirely safe but it is safer.
Plus you can give oral sex to either sex with protection and not have any skin to skin contact. Much easier than genital to genital as you can see and feel what you are doing.
Still not the only options. Many people do no penetration at all.

And many people find that PIV sex is absolutely nothing whatsoever like any of the alternatives. Hence it being a really silly argument to suggest that someone put a man's penis inside their mouth as an alternative.

"Don't you mean irressponsible sex is dangerous?"

All sex is risky. You can have just one partner in your life and always use condoms but still carry HPV. There are STDs that condoms don't protect from and you can never be 100% sure about your partner's past sexual history or fidelity.

"Oral sex may protect you from pregnancy but is probably less safe than vaginal sex on the basis that fewer women use protection when doing it. "

I'm not convinced by this (that it's less safe, not that most people don't use protection for oral sex).

As well as women, you are more likely to get infections as a smoker (or from a smoker) due to the effects on the immune system. Most non-smokers who catch warts will clear the underlying virus which causes it within 2 years. There are also benefits to using condoms to prevent herpes in the first 2 years of a relationship. Herpes is life long so is more likely to be passed on even with condom use after 2 years and with time and each episode of sex. Continuing condoms also helps to prevent other less known infections. These infections can be spread in ‘good faith’ by a partner, who although he may never have shown any signs, can still pass it on. What works is to BOTH have a check up AND continue condoms for the first couple of years to avoid a nasty shock...longer if there are gaps or it’s not monagomous the whole time (add another 2 years to each event). Testing is great but not a green light. Stopping condoms too early can result in a nasty shock to manage in a new relationship and the relationship may not survive it.
The new HPV vaccine covers for genital warts now as well as the cancer associated high risk strains (also sexually transmitted). The other thing is to go for regular preventative smears. Going back to smoking, you are 10x more likely to get cervical cancer as a smoker, rather than a non-smoker.
In terms of your post, sex can be misused as rape and even in a privileged country, pregnancy and childbirth are risky and can be life threatening.
There is a collapse between sex and fidelity in your posts though and not everyone or the majority are unfaithful. So yes, I agree with the risks for women (though not the mechanical slow gun image) and at the same time, despite the risks, celibacy is not for everyone. Sex is an important and enjoyable part of life for some women - as well as how come most of us are here!

Well, if you are terrified of all risk, life isn't for you, let alone sex.

It’s unwise to have PIV sex unless for conception.

WTF???

Gwenhwyfar - yes, that was a bit of hyperbole! It just annoys me intensely how many people seem to think unprotected oral sex is pretty safe and how as a result they are unnecessarily passing infections on, from throat to penis to vagina, to penis, etc, etc... and increasing the incidence of particularly nasty head and neck cancers. At least you can do regular smear tests on a cervix.

As a matter of interest, as well as smoking increasing the chances of hpv changes becoming cancerous, it is thought that someone who has a dual herpes and hpv infection has a higher chance of the hpv changes becoming cancerous, too. Stress, poor diet, etc, all also increase the risks.

Gum disease (bleeding gums...) also increases the chances of infections being passed to and fro.

You’d be very unlucky to catch some sort of head & neck cancer from a few sessions of unproctected oral - I think most people’s worry was ( & probably still is? ) catching HIV, & that’s highly unlikely through oral sex.

roundaboutthetown

1. deciding that sex with men isnt worth the risk does not equal 'terrified of all risk'. I am not risk adverse at all

2. you think if people dont want to have sex with men then 'life is not for them'...you think they should die?

CrookBrook - read what I actually wrote, rather than drawing silly conclusions. If the amount of pleasure you get from sex is low or even negative, then sex may not be worth it, just as the risk of climbing Mount Everest would be too high if you loathe mountains. Ie if you don't want to do it, then don't do it, it's fairly bloody simple, really - just don't be a twunt and tell everybody else it's too risky for them, too, and like being shot with a gun, because that is dangerously close either to being averse to all risk regardless of rewards or pleasure, or to having an irrational phobia of one particular thing . Don't put sex on a pedestal, it is merely another one of life's activities - not merely an acceptable one, but one essential for the continuation of life.