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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think having sex as a female is dangerous

442 replies

Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 11:12

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

OP posts:
bingbongnoise · 12/01/2018 13:49

I mean 'I have to say I LIKE being shot at!' (DOH!)

Please put an edit button in MN, even if you only allow editing for 2 minutes!

notgivingin789 · 12/01/2018 13:50

Why are some Mumsnetters like this ? There’s almost like a bullying culture on here. Why can’t you advise OP rationally instead of using banter and taking the piss out of the OP.

I almost agree with you OP. Women cannot pass thrush or BV to a man (if I got that right ?!). I admit, thrush and BV are not sexually transmitted diseases. But women are slightly more at risk by engaging in sex than men.

BattleCuntGalactica · 12/01/2018 13:53

@bingbongnoise oh my god that is amazeballs.

PinkHeart5914 · 12/01/2018 13:54

I am a grown up and therefore when I met dh before we started having sex without a condom, we both had sexual health checks.

Before I met dh I never had sex without a condom with anybody, it’s common sense really isn’t it? And I always took contraception to also help protect myself against unwanted pregnancy, again it’s common sense isn’t it?

EastDulwichWife · 12/01/2018 13:55

It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.

Behave.

You could never have sex again, or you could use condoms. I know which I'll opt for.

quitealotlost · 12/01/2018 13:57

Why are some Mumsnetters like this ? There’s almost like a bullying culture on here. Why can’t you advise OP rationally instead of using banter and taking the piss out of the OP.

Why? Because they're small minded arseholes who make themselves feel big by belittling others.

It's definitely a bullying culture, which is a shame are MN can be a great source of support.

The OP would be better off asking this question away from AIBU. Feminism might be a good place - she'd get reasoned answers at least, not this petty abuse.

Viviennemary · 12/01/2018 13:58

I think having lots of different partners and not using contraceptive isn't wise. But sensible sex is fine. Electricity is dangerous when it's in the wrong hands.

Backingvocals · 12/01/2018 13:58

It's true that historically women have paid a huge price for sex up to and including death in childbirth. Add on male violence which is often sexually motivated.

That's why women had to be so careful - had to get married so they weren't fallen women, had to be faithful so the children were certainly the offspring of the father and she and her children weren't at risk of destitution or violence, had to be sexually controlled to limit risk of STD.

However, an awful lot has changed - morality, healthcare, women's liberation. And there are condoms.

I'm sorry this all seems so overwhelming to you OP but I think you should take heart from how far we've come.

Sosog00d · 12/01/2018 13:58

Common sense is anything but common.

i didnt have checks at 25 when i met my husband. nor did he, i believe.

i was ignorant .. having not been taught well at school or by my parents also late(ish) losing virginity.

sexual health checks all the way now.

MinorRSole · 12/01/2018 13:58

if you want to make sweeping statements about a population, maybe Google first.

Where did I make a sweeping statement or talk about percentages?

If a woman was sexually assaulted by another woman would you tell her it wasn't as bad as it would have been had a man done it?

I'm not generalising, I'm not making sweeping statements. I'm saying that you cannot say that a woman experiencing sexual violence is less affected based on the sex of the person committing it

MasterWu · 12/01/2018 13:59

Feminism might be a good place - she'd get reasoned answers at least, not this petty abuse

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Namechange101110 · 12/01/2018 14:01

Very good post, Backingvocals

Notreallyarsed · 12/01/2018 14:02

and cervical cancer

Sex isn’t the only way you can end up with cervical cancer.

However I’m all for checks, after a nasty present from my cheating bastard XH. DP and I both got checked before we had sex.

MasterWu · 12/01/2018 14:02

Actually, reading that OP again, she should probably start a thread on FWR. They'd love this sort of bollocks on there Smile

quitealotlost · 12/01/2018 14:04

MinorRSole nobody was talking about or comparing the experience of individuals.

We were talking about relative risk of male or female sexual partners which is about percentages whether you explicitly say it or not.

If you want to talk about the experiences of individuals I'm not stopping you but please don't address it to me as it's totally irrelevant to the risks of men vs women in general.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/01/2018 14:10

There are slightly more physical risks for women than there are for men when it comes to PIV sex. (Including pregnancy, obviously - no matter how welcome the pregnancy, it is still a potentially life-threatening matter).
Most people decide that the pleasure is more important than the risk, and that is up to them. (There is nothing inherently 'moral' about restricting the number of sex partners you have - it's fine to have sex with however many willing people you can find and are attracted to. Morality is not in the numbers, it's in the way you treat them).

If you don't want to have sex, or don't want PIV sex, or don't want sex with men, OP, that's wholly up to you. Just as it's up to other people to decide what they want to do, with whom, and how often.

AstridWhite · 12/01/2018 14:11

I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.

Good grief, what a ray of sunshine and positivity you are. Hmm

Luckily for the future of mankind, even if most women could agree with you in theory, they still really like a shag, so life will go on.

And I think it's extremely unfair and discriminatory to lay the blame for STDs solely at the foot of men. Lesbians are also responsible for transmitting diseases to other women, just as gay men do to gay men. It's everyone's problem and everyone's responsibility.

bingbongnoise · 12/01/2018 14:14

BULLYING the OP.

Get a fucking grip, seriously!

Jeeeez, talk about special snowflakes! Hmm

@Battlecuntgallactica

OMG that is amazing (the penis gun!)

weekendninja · 12/01/2018 14:14

I agree with others and think your post is a tad hysterical.

Regarding the sexual health of your daughters (or anyone for that matter), yes, tell them the importance of it and how to safeguard it. That's a given. But be balanced...a healthy sexual relationship is, for most an essential part of a fulfilling relationship. Teach your daughters to have respect for themselves and others and then it should fall into place. Yes, there are people who cheat, but that applies to men AND women.

I, for one ain't giving up on my orgasms. If it's a new relationship or something casual there's condoms. It's all about being sensible.

bingbongnoise · 12/01/2018 14:15

Sorry, I mean to put a Grin after @battlecunt's post..

Grin
quitealotlost · 12/01/2018 14:22

bingbongnoise yes, bullying. Is it not clear to you that the OP is likely distressed? Why do you think she's so fearful of men?

Taking the piss out of people in a vulnerable state of mind is bullying.

DonkeySkin · 12/01/2018 14:23

YANBU OP, but very few people will admit it, because the implications of what you have realised are dangerous to the heterosexual social order.

Females are more at risk than males in hetero sexual encounters - vastly more so in fact, and this is due to biology - the big one is that we are vulnerable to pregnancy, which even if wanted comes with big health risks (including the risk of death), but as the receptive partner we are also at greater risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, and then the effects of the diseases of often worse for us (e.g., Chlamydia damages the female reproductive system while frequently causing no symptoms in men; and men usually just get warts from HPV, while women can get cancer). Not to mention that males are bigger and stronger and therefore usually easily able to overpower us should they wish to inflict other harms.

The above are all undeniable, physical facts that affect the power dynamic in all hetero relationships and between women and men at the societal level, but as you can see from this thread, women often feel more comfortable calling any woman who notices this crazy, than admitting these obvious truths, because the implications are so unpleasant. Look at your post, in which you gave direct evidence of serious harm to women and girls from sexual relationships with men - and yet people scoffed at you and suggested you are paranoid for observing reality and applying this knowledge in terms of your own life and health.

'penis can literally be like gun which shoots you'

I note that many have chosen to focus on this observation as a particular point of ridicule, which I find telling, because men have been comparing their penises to weapons forever - before guns were invented, the sword was the preferred metaphor, and it's no accident that the word 'vagina' comes from the Latin for 'sheath'. The notion of male genitalia as a sword or gun is not a mere figment of macho fantasy: the penis is a weapon, especially in its ability to force unwanted pregnancy on women. Again, this is undeniably true. That's why mass rape is frequently deployed as a strategy of war. Penises can be instruments of harm in a way that vaginas never can be, and you are not crazy for fearing this - on the contrary, you are clear sighted.

The question is, for women who want to have heterosexual relationships, how can we mitigate this risk, particularly of sexually transmitted diseases, which seems to be your main concern. I'd suggest creating new sexual standards which don't emphasise penetrative sex, for a start. PIV is one of the most risky sexual activities for the woman, with almost no reciprocal risk to the man, yet most straight women just accept that it's something we've got to engage in regularly (I know I used to). Anal sex, which is the most risky for the receptive partner in terms of STDs, is also something that many younger women in particular feel pressured to take part in.

Instead of this blanket, stupid celebration of anything that gets men off under the guise of 'sex positivity', or endless iterations on 'consent' education, I'd really like to see feminists engage with notions of pleasure and harm in female sexuality: specifically, what would a sexual culture that discouraged harm to women look like? To do that we would first of all have to admit that male and female reproductive biology do not confer equal physical vulnerability and therefore men and women are not interchangeable social actors in sexual encounters or LT relationships.

ProperLavs · 12/01/2018 14:23

hmm, op not been back?

Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 14:26

Er yes im back-busy but will reply later

OP posts:
thegreatbeyond · 12/01/2018 14:26

Gene Simmonds of 'Kiss' fame opined similarly, I feel. Consider his poignant lyrics:

To think having sex as a female is dangerous