To think having sex as a female is dangerous

[Bumsnetnetbums]

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

Well is she waiting about for a man to propose? Dreaming of a white wedding etc? And even if she is, why is that wrong? It's her life to live as she wants.

jacques, do you really think a person needs counselling if they dont see marriage to a man as the ultimate happiness goal?

do you really think a person needs counselling if they dont see marriage to a man as the ultimate happiness goal

What on earth?! I was referring to the OP's very obvious unhappiness which is evident through this thread. I think it would help HER not to get a man, but to deal with the hurt she has received at the hands of men.

I don't want a serious relationship.

I dont think i read unhappiness in the OPs posts? I relate to alot of what she says. I will never trust another man and hope my dds dont waste their time trying to find a good one. I am very happy

@Crook she mentioned abuse at least once

But "trying to find a good one" is an odd way of seeing it. I didn't try to find a good one. I spent 15 happy years with a good one. Who I am still very close to.

I know have a casual partner who is also a good one.

I'm not interested in long term relationships but I've never spent any of my life finding good men.

The best message I can give my daughter is giving her her own self of worth. What she does with that is her own choice and I am happy for her

OLD is very popular jaques..?isnt that what people are doing?

I'm quite sure there are many reasons why people use OLD.

It's not my bag so I have never tried it.

I more meant "trying to find a good one" seemed to suggest the task was onerous; it isn't always and needn't be so.

Bumsnet, you seem to see the world very much in black and white: either marry or be independent, either be alone first or spend your life tied to a man with no other interests than your marriage.

But people have all sorts of experiences, and arrange their lives in all sorts of different ways.

I met my dh at 19 and knew straightaway that I wanted to marry him. But still managed to get a PhD and travel abroad before we married. And haven't noticed marriage being any kind of barrier to travelling, learning or living, quite to the contrary. Having two salaries makes it easier to do interesting things, having somebody who is happy to take over the housework and nurturing when I'm having a busy time at work means I can achieve more, not less.

Nah, comeone...when a woman has had a bad experience dating/in a relationship, the consolation choris is always...there are plenty more fish in the sea/you will find someone/there is one out there for you etc etc. You very very rarely hear, why not stay single buy a vibrator and enjoy life.

Everytime you go on a date with a unknown manor enter a new relationship, you put yourself at risk

That opinion is born out of a 50 years of life experience. Its fucked up to think women shpuld have counselling to 'get over' (minimise/suppress/deny) their experiences with men, so that they can encourage their daughters into relationships with men

That opinion is born out of a 50 years of life experience. Its fucked up to think women shpuld have counselling to 'get over' (minimise/suppress/deny) their experiences with men, so that they can encourage their daughters into relationships with men

Did you actually read what I said? The OP has mentioned she had abuse. I suggested she had counselling to deal with it for HER.

My best friend was a victim of gaslighting. She has only found peace (on her own I might add) through counselling to deal with the issues. There's nothing "fucked up" to ask whether someone has dealt with obviously stressful experiences by speaking to someone.

You very very rarely hear, why not stay single buy a vibrator and enjoy life

And my mantra has always been to myself and friends going through a break up "enjoy being with yourself first".

I'm single. Have a FWB and enjoy life.

Of course it is fucked up to think women should encourage their daughters to have relationships with men despite their own experiences. It is equally fucked up to think women should discourage their daughters because of their own experiences. We don't own our children's lives. Only our own.

You draw conclusions from your life experience of 50 years, I from mine of 54. Neither is going to be directly relevant to any child of ours.

I havent mentioned abuse in a personal capacity in any of my posts. I have mentioned abusive marriages.
I dont want to and never dod want this to be man hating. I do not hate men. I have sons a brother and many male friends. I would argue the same with them.
I can reject marriage. I dont think it performs a function in modern day living. If my daughter chooses to then i will deal with it and because i love her, i will find a way.
But. It is draining to read thread after thread of affairs and brokem trust. As a women it becomes so normal to hear of and that is sad.
My thread simply went from there. I have been interested in all your views and my own have been influenced from yours. So thank you.

I enjoy being married and having kids. I think I'm happier than all my single friends, and more free. There is an awful lot of luck involved in leading a happy, fulfilled life. It's ludicrous to think you are saving someone from anything by trying to put the fear of God into them about marriage. Realism is one thing, telling them they will be happier in life sticking with a vibrator is just idiotic. Vibrators make very poor companions.

I dont think it performs a function in modern day living

It does from a legal perspective - and will do so until such time as co-habitting affords the same rights

Cohabiting couples with children are in general no happier than married couples with children. Single mothers with children are in general no happier than married couples with children. Women who desperately want children but are infertile are in general no happier than women who do have children. I'm wondering if this thread is actually more about the problems of having children!...

I was thinking the same roundabout

My greatest fear for my children is that they should go though life being so bloody scared of being hurt or made ill that they do nothing whatsoever with their lives.

Biggest fear? That her beauty will be wasted on someone not worthy. That she will hope when it is hopeless and i will see it in her and know, but not be able to change it. I dont want her body used in a way which humiliates her, degrades her or makes her feel abused. I am scared she will weaken to let someone in only for them to let her know she is worthless and even worse for her to stay there because she believes it.
I am not scared of her being an experimental teen. I will talk about sex to her. And yes stis are caused by sex and we know those risks but she will do it anyway because they all do. But good. Because she can stay safe. I dont mind her being pregnant young if it happens. I would help her.
What i dont want is for her to love and show her love through unprotected sex all the while the person she loves and respects pisses all over her dreams and shags around while she goes to the marital bed full of ideas her husband loves her. Whilst in the meantime she has hpv changing the cells in her cervix, because her so called other half is fetching home more than just a wage. I dont want her going for cryotherapy, colposcopies, antibiotics for bacterial stis or antifungals for repeated thrush or antivirals for genital herpes.
My daughters body is young and innocent and deserves looking after. And I guess that that is what I will be sobbing for, the loss of that youth and beauty on some bastard who doesnt give a shit and wilfully endangers her health and her happiness.
I dont hate all men far from it. But I will hate any man who treats her like that, and theres a bloody lot of them. So fear I do. But I will try to see positives in anything she does and be there if it does or doesnt go wrong.

Financial independence is imo one of the most important things to encourage, bumsnet.

I’m saying that as a mother of two DDs and a woman that has luckily managed to retain her financial independence.

I’m not saying that being a SAHM is inferior or that it will automatically have a negative impact.

But I’ve seen it so often with friends, family etc. It changes the whole dynamic.
It’s a bit like being in someone else’s car and having given up the ability to drive. At least that’s what I’ve seen in too many cases...

I’m not saying you aren’t doing that, btw.

But I think it’s worth mentioning and probably shouldn’t be underestimated when talking about this topic.

Because money and sex are both deeply connected and associated with power and control in our society imo. And that’s not meant as a negative statement about men or women, btw.

The problem is that you have no idea of you will manage to maintain that financial independence.
So many th8ngs can happen.
You can get ill, you might have a child with some SN/MH issues/has to be homeschooled, you might get redundant and have to settled for a less well paid job.
And more importantly, you might want to decide as a family to support the career in your DH (let’s say by emigrating together or moving to a completely different place) that you will mean your career will suffer (or you will lose ot altogether).
Afaik that all the couples I have seen around me who have had two partners actually working at a level high enough have all struggled to find a place where high could easily find a job. One person had to give in. And I think that’s OK if it’s done within the protection of the marriage. And even then, it wouod need some thinking about). But be foolish to do outside a marriage.