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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having sex as a female is dangerous

442 replies

Bumsnetnetbums · 12/01/2018 11:12

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

OP posts:
FreddieClaryHorshieLion · 14/01/2018 22:06

Hermione
My DH has decreased his work (but he’s currently writing from home so it really does rather suit him.)

Being made redundant? Shit happens, I’m aware of that.

But:
And more importantly, you might want to decide as a family to support the career in your DH (let’s say by emigrating together or moving to a completely different place) that you will mean your career will suffer (or you will lose ot altogether).

I don’t think I could ever give up my earning potential / give your my career entirely if it wasn’t absolutely necessary for the well-being for my children. (Disability, MH etc...)

I’m very aware that some of my attitudes are a bit extreme, btw.

steff13 · 14/01/2018 22:07

Must say thay syphilis seems defunct nowadays. And good as its an evil disease.

Actually, I picked this up at my local health department a couple of months ago.

To think having sex as a female is dangerous
MistressDeeCee · 14/01/2018 22:08

Unusual way of putting it. But I see what you mean. If a woman isn't consistently 100% sensible with precautions then yeah, its a huge risk

I read about a woman who'd contracted Chlamydia via her DH's cheating. It afffected her fertitility as she had it for years without realising.

Women get caught out in the "moment" too..declarations of love, no condom, burst condom, you're the only one, etc. It can be a costly mistake. & also, people don't like to admit mistakes...btu evidence of mistakes is out there. Even sadly those caused not by one's own actions, but the carelessness of who you're with. & that person could be someone who messed up only the once

There does need to be a lot more education around women protecting themselves.

FFSenoughalready · 14/01/2018 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutthetown · 14/01/2018 22:10

Your fears have nothing to do with marriage, Bumsnet. As for hpv, she could get that while being "experimental" as a teen (incidentally also the group with the highest number of cases of diagnosed chlamydia, that silent infection which can cause infertility...). Hpv is not solely caused by unfaithful husbands. Experimental teens have a lot to answer for in terms of STIs. She might even be the one responsible for giving any dh she ever has penile or throat cancer, or gonococcal arthritis. After all, for a man to have an infection to pass on, unless he is gay there tends to have been a woman involved!

MistressDeeCee · 14/01/2018 22:10

Must say thay syphilis seems defunct nowadays. And good as its an evil disease

On the rise in London. I know as last time I visited clinic was asked if I wanted to be tested. I said ok may as well, then I asked why. & I was told it was back again in increasing numbers

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2018 22:19

"I see two solutions.

Option One - Only DTD with a partner if you're both in a commited, long term relationship with. Who you trust and know the sexual history of...

Option Two - use a condom."

These are not mutually exclusive. Unless you're TTC, why can't you use a condom all the time. You can never know what someone is up to. More use of condoms in serious relationships as well as casual ones would help protect women and society as a whole from STDs.
There is still the issue of the STDs that aren't prevented by condoms of course so option no. 1 still useful as well as regular smear tests.

Not rtft, so don't know if people have mentioned that syphilis is back.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2018 22:20

Sorry, cross posted with Steff13. Apparently there are strains of syphilis that resist antibiotics.

roundaboutthetown · 14/01/2018 22:28

Gonorrhea is a very common STI that it is thought will soon be untreatable due to antibiotic resistance. Syphilis is one of the infections that can be passed on despite condom use.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2018 22:34

"most things you're prattling on about also affect men such as oral cancer and penile cancer. Having an STD can be worse for women but that doesn't mean it isn't bad for men. It's not a sodding competition as to who has it worse."

I think a woman is more likely to get an STD from a man than the other way around. Probably the same for a 'receiving' gay man. Lesbians as a group are less at risk than gay men and straight people.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/01/2018 22:35

roundabout - that's pretty scary. Of course, the issue of anti-biotics resistance is about more than just STIs.

CrookBook · 14/01/2018 22:40

Financial independence is imo one of the most important things to encourage, bumsnet

100% freddie

bridgetoc · 14/01/2018 22:49

The OP sounds like a feminist nut.......

Why are there so many on Mumsnet?

CrookBook · 14/01/2018 22:56

bridge think because becoming a mum really brings inequality into sharp focus, even for those that hadnt considered themselves feminist, before

corythatwas · 14/01/2018 23:01

"I think a woman is more likely to get an STD from a man than the other way around"

So how did the man get it?

roundaboutthetown · 14/01/2018 23:05

Bumsnet - you come across as confused. You started out saying you thought sex was dangerous, particularly for women. Then you concluded you didn't mind your dd experimenting with sex as a teen, but didn't want her to get married, apparently because you are scared of her falling in love and trusting someone who turs out to be a cheat. Basically, you seem to be saying you would rather she got herself a sexually transmitted infection from someone she didn't want to hang around with and whom she didn't trust as far as she could throw them, than from someone she did and that either way, she is doomed to suffer a nasty STI, so better never to love someone, as STIs are somehow worse if you do...

QuackPorridgeBacon · 14/01/2018 23:51

Not everything bad happens from cheating men. I think I gave my partner hpv, I think it is. We had warts. As far as I am aware we can always have a flare up? I had got tested before I met him and was clear, however it mustn’t have been picked up yet as when I was pregnant we found the warts and discovered we had the virus. It’s shit but we love eachother so we got them sorted and moved on. We both also got chlamydia (also found when I was pregnant) that was scary, course of antibiotics and we are both fine. I didn’t know that it can be given by oral sex which I had before we got together. We are both fine and didn’t hate eachother for it and have been fine since. Life happens and with it comes a lot of shit. We also nearly lost our second daughter and could still do so in the future. It’s not wise to worry about what might happen and not wanting your child to ever marry incase they get cheated on because it may never happen. Also, reading about it all on mumsnet is no reason to get worried. No one starts a thread saying how great their marriage is, meaning you will see more bad than good.

If you really are so worried and distressed by thinking of your daughter marrying, then I second some counselling.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 00:16

" if STIs are transmitted through heterosexual sex, then there will be as many women infecting men as vice versa?"

No, it doesn't work like that. Women are more at risk. You can get more info on Google.

corythatwas · 15/01/2018 00:19

I suppose, Gwenhwyfar, that a man who was infected during an encounter with one woman could then go on to infect another 10. Fair enough.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 00:23

" unless I am very much mistaken HIV can be transmitted from women to men, and HIV is still dangerous."

Yes, but more easily from men to women.

Missingstreetlife · 15/01/2018 00:30

Just spend a few days in a women's surgical ward, problem mostl involve men

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 00:38

""I think a woman is more likely to get an STD from a man than the other way around"

So how did the man get it?"

Presumably from a woman or another man. As you accept in a later comment, this doesn't make it not true that women are more at risk. Among gay men, I believe the receiving partner is more at risk for the same reason.
We should all be thanking OP for bringing this to the attention of some who were not aware.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 00:40

What kind of problems Missing?

Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2018 00:45

I think there really are more risks for women:

  • more risk of catching STDs and arguably more affected by some of them
  • risk of pregnancy and all the many, many side effects and related problems, including spinal problems
  • risks of childbirth, pain, subsequent problems and even death in extreme circumstances
  • cystitis, not just sexually transmitted, but seems to be linked
  • all sorts of pain in the genital area, painful sex seems to be much more common in women than in straight men
  • vulnerability, most women are weaker than most men so if an act suddenly goes wrong, can lose control of the situation.

Quite a lot of risks, but of course, women will make their own minds up as to whether it's worth it and it is for most women.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/01/2018 00:57

Agreed op.
It’s unwise to have PIV sex unless for conception.
So many other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure without the risk.
PIV is what men want so that’s why it’s seen as ‘real’ sex even though the consequences for women are awful. pregnancy is traumatic to the body and risky, abortion physically painful and has risks, women much more easily catch STDs and it more often leads to complications.

And on top of men insisting on PIV many also have condom aversion. Any man who ‘hates’ condoms actually Hates women. Yeah it’s so normalised we don’t see these men for what they are.