To think having sex as a female is dangerous

[Bumsnetnetbums]

Genuine post.
Over the last few years I have known women whom have contracted chlamydia as teens and who are infertile due to pelvic inflammatory disease. I have friends with warts. BV. Trich.
And on another thread, those with abnormal cells, and cervical cancer.
All these conditions are given to women by men. (Yes women transmit also but for men there are very few long term effects other than passing on to other women).
Pregnancy is the one bonus if ttc. But even then women have unwanted pregnancy and abortions to deal with. Neither of these are anywhere near as traumatic for men.
I have come to an age where the above are so risky and widespread that i dont think i will ever have sex again. It is hard to be in the mood when a penis can literally be like gun which shoots you and takes your health, just in a slower and more humiliating way.
I fear for my daughters. I will obviously allow the hpv vaccine. But sex is not what we thought it was as teens. It is dangerous for women.
I have said on a couple of threads about infidelity that by taking back unfaithful partners is health risking.
Women who have been cheating on are hurt from the intimacy where the partner has turned to another woman outside the marriage. They focus on whats best for the kids.
AIBU to say that the first thing women should be focussing on is their sexual health. It isnt the closeness with another woman which is worst. It is that he has totally disregarded your health to have sex with another woman not knowing what he could be bringing home.
What is right for the kids is a healthy mum. They might be upset by daddy leaving. But they will be heartbroken at mummy dying from hiv/hepatitis/cervical cancer.

manicmij, are you sure there is an increase in sexual diseases? do we know this? and compared to what period?

I read a lot of older stuff (work) and there is an awful lot about STIs from the Early Modern period right up to the early 20th C

possibly a slight lull after, but whether that is because people are behaving differently after the wars or because it's not talked about is not clear

of course the dynamics were different in those days, it was more about young men visiting brothels (before or after marriage) and then passing disease onto their wives

like today's porn culture, it was very much about social pressure: many young boys would be taken to these establishment by older friends and expected to go along with it

the lack of indiscriminate activity in older times (again, probably somewhat exaggerated) only affected middle-class and upper class young women and what was known as "respectable" working class women

many had no choice due to poverty, and in rural areas premarital sex and marriage as a result of pregnancy were very common even among young people who were not struggling

Actually I had abnormal cervical cells due to smoking. I don’t have HPV. Don’t smoke !!!!

What about smoking?!
Years ago they thought coffee caused cancer. Only much later after doing trials did they realised coffee drikers smoked as well, and the real carcinogen was tobacco!

Cory I think your family must all be modelling what a happy marriage is, and what good relationships are, generation through generation. You are lucky, I think.

I am lucky, KindDogs, and I'm very aware of that. But that doesn't mean dd's life has to be another link in the same chain: she might never want to marry or have children. It is also part of my job as a parent to accept that the best choice for her might look totally different. And not to sob internally just because she isn't me.

I've been thinking a lot about this thread and for me the main issue I've got is the title.

"To think having sex as a female CAN be dangerous" would have elicited the same interesting responses; and maybe more so because it sounds less like you're being presented with a fait accompli.

I agree with kind but agree as well that we model the relationships familiar to us.
I have previously said that a womans life is determined by her father, and then her husband. If you get a good dad you know men can be good. And you will know what a good partner is, and have good self esteem which means you will ward off the abusive cheaters and attract respect in relationships.
Difficult to change that worldview and views of self mid life.

Perhaps you could ask for that jaques? I dont know how but sounds interesting

manicmij, are you sure there is an increase in sexual diseases? do we know this? and compared to what period?

Poor Mrs Beeton is very likely to have died from complications of syphilis. No doubt there were a huge number of affected women but people would have been ashamed to say.

I am not really 'passing that attitude' to my dds strong, but i disagree that it is dangerous*. From my experience and what i observe around me, having intimate relationships with men causes women alot of pain and damage. So to represent it as 'fun' and 'normal' is misleading and not really in their best interests. But, really i dont need to warn them, the way many teenage boys and grown men behave towards them, is caution enough.

I think most parents have an idea of what kind of things would be best for their childrens health and happiness. So, as well as wishing for same sex relationships, i also think intimate/romantic relationships that exclude white people and middle class people are likely to be more soothing and harmonious, all things being equal.

That said, i am hands off and know they will make their own d3cisions (can barely run my own life, let alone theirs!)

Must say thay syphilis seems defunct nowadays. And good as its an evil disease.

Crook, do you seriously not think that people get hurt in same-sex relationships? A quick trawl through Relationships on MN should disabuse you of that idea.

Of course they do cory. However, a woman is less likely to suffer DV or get killed in a same sex relationship. By orders of magnitude. Also, much more likely to be an equal relationship with equal division of labour. Less assumption that my dds will gestate, birth and be primary care giver for any children

Even less likely, if in NO long term relationship

Was the sobbing comment directed at me cory? As i just want my daughters to be happy.

Which is a complete contradiction to your post about sobbing every day after your daughter becoming engaged. I find that attitude so sad for your daughter.

nicky why is that sad??
I find it sadder that people think relationships with men is the route of all happiness for their daughters

I find it sad that a daughter would announce her engagement and her mother would use that as a reason to weep. The girl is happy, why should that not be celebrated?

Men are not the enemy.

Yes nick because its just a farcical institution. I want her to be happy. But safe. So I hope her choice will not be to wait around for someone to marry her (or worse to decide at 16 shes in love and to hell with an education) but to travel, learn and live as an independent, confident and knowledable happy and beautiful young women. Which she will be I am sure.
I am not an advocate of marriage as you can tell. But if she has lived her life before settling down, then at least if she does marry, she will have focused on herself first. But to wait hoping for a man to propose, to desire a white wedding to feel like a princess and base all her hopes and dreams of 'love', can only lead to disappointment and I want more than that, for her.

@Bumsnet have you ever spoken to anyone about your feelings? It seems like you're saying it's inevitable that your DD will have an unhappy time because you did.

I "settled down" at 20. Never had any desire to travel etc. My marriage broke down. I still see it as an incredibly positive part of my life

Bumsnetbums - you aren't very au fait with current data on sexually transmitted infections if you think syphilis is defunct nowadays!! It is, however, more commonly diagnosed in men than women, particularly in gay men. Sex is inherently risky - you are getting exceptionally close to another human being, after all, to the extent of penetrating or being penetrated by them.

No they arent the enemy at all. But people on the radford thread are moaning that those kids are not being pushed educationally but rather expected to marry and have babies or work in the pie shop.
So if picking marriage and motherhood on that thread is so negative, then why is my desire for my daughter to live a good life before she marries, not right?

Marriage is not your whole life.

We have careers, we travel, we enjoy life, have friends and outside interests.

I don't know anyone who's life is just sitting around awaiting a marriage proposal.

I guess your relationships have always been underwhelming but your children's may not be.

Actually round for some reason i was thinking of beethoven having gone deaf from it when it was rife. So apologies.

Now, you could of course take the same attitude to travelling, unless you want to limit your dd to travelling around Western Europe - you can pick up all sorts of revolting and sometimes incurable infections from travel... it doesn't stop it being fun, though.