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AIBU?

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Original poster

Excluded from nephew's wedding

287 replies

mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:15

Feeling really crap as I found out ( when the invite landed) that we've only been invited to the evening do of my only nephew's wedding. I know it's their day and they can do what they like but I feel really upset about it. They've had lots of opportunties to tell us before now. It's caused a whole rift, and my sister's blaming me. My mother on the other hand agrees with me.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 12/01/2018 09:55

has you sister and mother been invited to the whole thing?

assuming the answer is yes then I would be very hurt, and almost certainly decline and say you are busy.

If the groom has invited his mother and grandmother than his aunt should be offended?

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 09:55

No not at all. I have never said anything about her to anyone, I know it's none of my business. I'm not like that at all*

Liar liar pants on fire. Pretending you're all lovely to them and have done nothing to cause a rift and this is all their and your sisters fault is clearly bullshit. And you are like that. Because what you're saying is horrid,

DriggleDraggle · 12/01/2018 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhCalamity · 12/01/2018 09:56

It feels like there's a bit of the story missing - specifically what happened between you discovering it was an evening invite and them going off on one at you. Something had to have triggered that. You say you just said it to your mum but perhaps she's the one causing riots on your behalf?

It sucks that you were not invited by the couple, but it's probably wrong to hold it against their parents or to tackle them about it - your sis and her husband probably had no say or sway over the wedding plans or who got invited. It's not like she chose 6 bridesmaids and excluded her sister, is it? That's all the decision of the bride & groom.

You need to call off your mother championing on your behalf, apologise to your sister for having a go at her, and then decline the evening invite.

slashlover · 12/01/2018 09:56

OP - Did you expect them to contact everyone before the invitations went out and tell them if they were an evening or an all day guest?

Also, please stop saying you're not invited to the wedding. You are.

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 09:56

I think you need to stay away from the wedding.

I have no doubt you must be causing this couple some serious stress not to mention family arguments.

Let them have a nice day, and stop sabotaging their wedding.

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:57

It hasn't really, it's just awkward. I'm pretty sure they have upset others besides me. An aunt coming from Australia is only invited to the evening do.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 12/01/2018 09:57

Some people can be so nasty, Im not surprised your hurt OP. In real life weddings are about families and I invited all my Aunts to mine because I wanted to. But this is MN where you get "Its their day!!" trotted out regularly. I would never want to hurt anyone I care about by not inviting them to the whole wedding.

TeeBee · 12/01/2018 09:58

If you love your nephew, which I'm assuming you do, why not try to put his feelings first? Do you think having his aunt kicking off over his wedding and causing a ruck is doing him any good? And what effect will it have with your future relationship with him? Really, just stop.

LagunaBubbles · 12/01/2018 09:58

An aunt coming from Australia is only invited to the evening do

Oh it just gets worse, lets see if anyone can defend this! But its your choice now OP whether to go or not.

LyraPotter · 12/01/2018 09:59

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry (although I do understand that you're a bit hurt).

You say they can't afford a big do but insisted on it anyway - which sort of suggests that you think they should have sacrificed the wedding they wanted in order to accommodate your views on how they should have done it. A wedding is really about the bride and groom and what they want. There's no way they could possibly please everybody, it's just a shame for you that you're the person who isn't pleased.

I'm also not sure what your point is re bridesmaids as it doesn't really cost any extra to have lots of bridesmaids? If these 6 women are close friends and family to the bride, she should be allowed to have them.

I do understand why you're hurt but I think that instead of taking it as a personal slight you should remember that weddings involve finding a balance between unlimited wants and limited resources. Of course they would have had you for the whole day if they could have afforded it, but they couldn't. I would attend the event graciously and with a smile on your face and let it go rather than having a fight with family.

Also, if the marriage service is very important to you, you could ask if you could attend that and then leave for the meal, before returning for the evening do. If it's a church wedding or the venue is large enough I don't see that causing any problems.

yorkshireyummymummy · 12/01/2018 09:59

Weddings are an occasion where two families join.
This is often how they are described [ well, at a lot of weddings I have been to anyway]
It’s meant to be a time of joy and celebration yet weddings often seem to cause massive conflict in a family.
When writing a wedding invite list most people start with family and then move onto friends.
Unless it’s a tiny wedding or there is a specific reason I don’t understand why people exclude family. The OP is the grooms aunt. It’s not like she is a third cousin twice removed. They are a small family. Generally lots of families only get together en masses at weddings , christenings and funerals!!
Yes, I agree that you should invite who you want there but when you are part of a family surely you must accept that there are family obligations which should be fulfilled? I don’t know why somebody would deliberately not invite a member of their family and thus run the risk of causing a rift which could last a lifetime? Isn’t life too short to be causing hurt to family members and planting seeds of a rift which can grow and rip families apart? I wouldn’t have dreamt of not inviting aunts and uncles and cousins to my wedding.
Why anybody wants the best day of their life [ supposedly!!) to be remembered not for how nice the bride looked but for how upset so and so was and how it has caused arguments, upset and a big rift in a family. Is it really worth it?

So OP, I feel very sorry for you.
In your position I wouldn’t go, I would send a nice card and a small but appropriate gift and I would try to ensure that was the end of the matter. It’s certainly not worth a family having large divisions in it. And, rather than be upset on the day I would spend what i would have spent on present and new hat etc on a nice day out somewhere lovely.

tiggytape · 12/01/2018 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeeBee · 12/01/2018 10:00

In real life weddings are about families and I invited all my Aunts to mine because I wanted to.

That's not necessarily true. Weddings are about the two people getting married in my opinion. I had no aunts and uncles at mine because I didn't want them there. Everyone's wedding means something different and it is THEIR day. It is not for everyone else to dictate.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 12/01/2018 10:01

Why aren’t you answering any questions OP?

Fishface77 · 12/01/2018 10:01

What’s your sister blaming you for op?

And why would you want to go anyway?? Doesn’t sound like the stars collided when they made this match!
Be dignified. Send a nice gift and card and wish them all the best. Sounds like your nephew might need you.

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 10:02

Weddings are an occasion where two families join

No they are not.

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 10:03

An aunt coming from Australia is only invited to the evening do

I don't believe that for one minute.

altiara · 12/01/2018 10:03

They may have decided to invite immediate family only to the day, that is their decision to make. If you choose not to go to the evening do, that is your decision to make.

They don’t have to phone you up and go through the guest list, it’s bad enough doing that with parents, definitely don’t do it with an aunt!

So if there’s a rift, you must have caused it as sending an invite out by the nephew is certainly not offensive.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/01/2018 10:04

I think you are just over reaction a bit when you know it’s not just you, it’s the day they want, you don’t even seem to like the bride and you are saying it’s all her decision. Can you not rationalise that in your head as it’s just her and that’s that?

usualGubbins · 12/01/2018 10:06

Auntzilla takes the whole thing to a new level. What is it about weddings these days??!

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 10:06

n real life weddings are about families

No they are about the bride and Groom, And mine certainly wasn't about family. Depends on how toxic your family is. Lucky you uou dont have an aunt you hardly know, who dislikes the bride, calls her a problem, dribbles out crap about her and how her nephew deserves better and then kicks off she's not at the ceremony.

She'd not have been at any of my wedding. The couple here are more generous than me. For my money people you're close to and who are happy for you are the people who should be there. Not some relative you don't see who can't stand the bride.

diddl · 12/01/2018 10:08

Does the bride know that you don't like her & your nephew know that you thunk he deserves better?

If so, it's not really a surprise, is it?

NurseButtercup · 12/01/2018 10:08

@Bluntness100

Liar liar pants on fire

Grin
Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/01/2018 10:08

If your only aunt is not invited to your wedding there is probably a good reason.

We didn't invite DH's aunt and uncle. It was MIL who DH allowed to insist on this (and they fell out shortly after which I've no doubt was part of it). Tbh I've felt bad about it ever since even though it was almost 20 years ago, I was never comfortable with it. DH had lots of cousins and her argument was we'd then have to invite all of them if we invited his aunt. I thought that was nonsense and still do (DH also thinks it was wrong in retrospect). So don't necessarily blame the bride in my case DH's family decided who to invite from their side and I thought it was off. We had a small wedding, I really hope it wasn't blamed on me by anyone!

I don't think its entitled at all to expect to be invited to a niece/ nephews wedding unless there is a massive back story.