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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded from nephew's wedding

287 replies

mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:15

Feeling really crap as I found out ( when the invite landed) that we've only been invited to the evening do of my only nephew's wedding. I know it's their day and they can do what they like but I feel really upset about it. They've had lots of opportunties to tell us before now. It's caused a whole rift, and my sister's blaming me. My mother on the other hand agrees with me.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 12/01/2018 09:40

Did you expect a phone call telling you that you weren't invited to the day? Really? Can you imagine how awkward that would be. YABVU to make them feel bad about this, especially when you barely see them.

BurningStar · 12/01/2018 09:40

Why would they tell you before giving you the invitation? That's the whole point of invitations surely Hmm ?

YABU. You're not close to your nephew so what's the problem?

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2018 09:41

Why are posters being so hostile? OP is hurt and feeling excluded, she hasn't gone round with a baseball bat demanding an invitation

But she said there's now a rift and her sister's upset.

Though hasn't explained what that means.

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:41

None of those. Discussed it with my Mum that is all. I have DONE nothing to cause any rift but say that I am shocked and surprised. We live too far away to just go for the evening.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 09:41

Ok so I don't see them that often BUT we should have been made aware of the situation before invites went out

I'm also not understanding why? You don't make the effort to see them. They don't make the effort to see you. How should they guess you'd expect to be there for the full day? My assumption would be I'd be there for the evening only for family members I wasn't close to and don't see often.

You're feelings seem to be centred round the fact they should have guessed you're feelings. Confused

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2018 09:41

There is a chance the bridesmaids are paying for themselves.

GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2018 09:42

I like evening only invitations. I send a polite decline, a card, a suitable gift and stay home with a book. Couldnt be better!

mummmy2017 · 12/01/2018 09:42

People don't invite more than the immediate family, as in Parents and Siblings, it's very common where I live.
It's because people are closer to their friends and work mates who they seem on more than just high days and holidays.
I think the fact your invited to the evening do is fine, it means your still invited to celebrate, this is more about you being upset and having your feelings hurt.
This is a wedding in your family, not a family wedding.

mindutopia · 12/01/2018 09:42

Their wedding, their choice. I don't think you get to dictate who gets to come to someone else's wedding. If it's about cost and venue, then they can only have so many people. They want the people there who they want, including other family and friends. If you don't want to come to the evening do only, you can always rsvp that you won't attend. But it's not your wedding and unless you're very close, I think it's perfectly reasonable if that's what they want to do. If your sister supports that choice, it means she probably thinks there's a good reason why you weren't included, either because you aren't close or tend to kick off (like this) and it's understandable they may not want to exclude someone they are really close to so that you can attend.

ChaosNeverRains · 12/01/2018 09:42

Context is relatively important here i.e. has the bride’s whole family including aunts and uncles been invited and you haven’t for instance?

If they’ve invited some family and not others then that is not on. Regardless of the whole “your wedding, your rules” ethos which generally seems to exist I think that there are some family who should be invited as a matter of course i.e. aunts and uncles unless there is serious reason not to. And if they’re having six bridesmaids then no, it’s not a small wedding but it is a showy one.

When I married my ex we invited all the aunts and uncles on both sides but didn’t invite any children. But when it comes to family imo if you invite one then you invite all or you don’t invite any.

And to not tell the OP when the wedding was and that she wasn’t going to be invited seems deliberate.

So yanbu to be upset, however I would look at the context i.e. if the bride’s family have been invited but the groom’s haven’t then your right to be upset is greater than if they’ve simply said no family. Or no aunts and uncles.

lalalalyra · 12/01/2018 09:42

How small a family are you? What about his Dad's family? And the bride's family? How many Aunts & Uncles are there all together - does that explain why it's night only when you look at the bigger picture.

6 bridesmaids doesn't mean it's a big wedding. We went to a wedding recently with 4 bridesmaids and there was still only 30 guests.

Bluntness100 · 12/01/2018 09:44

We live too far away to just go for the evening

No you don't. What difference does a few hours extra make. Just get there, occupy yourself throughout the day and front up for evening party and stay over.

Stop trying to make someone who uou hardly sees wedding all about you.

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:44

There isn't really a rift as such. The main problem is a bride wanting a big do, but not got the funds to pay for it. The same bride had an affair with my nephews friend yet he still goes ahead with the wedding...

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 12/01/2018 09:45

We live too far away to just go for the evening.

Sorry, but that's simply not true. You either live close enough to go or you live too far away. If you choose to feel it's only worth going for the whole day then that is your choice.

lookingforthecorkscrew · 12/01/2018 09:45

That’s none of your business, OP!!!

londonrach · 12/01/2018 09:45

Difficult to judge this without knowing more details but if youve caused a rift over this i wonder if thats the reason why you not invited to the wedding. Are you close to your nephew. Yabu by the way as default bride and groom gets choice for guests end of story.

rocketgirl22 · 12/01/2018 09:45

has you sister and mother been invited to the whole thing?

assuming the answer is yes then I would be very hurt, and almost certainly decline and say you are busy.

It is not worth a family rift, but you can quietly get your point across without a single argument. I would arrange a lovely day out with your friends and would look on it as a chance to save money. Weddings are fortune to attend.

If other family have not been invited for the day I would go to the evening and wouldn't be offended

lookingforthecorkscrew · 12/01/2018 09:45

If you think so little of the bride why on earth do you want to go to her wedding so much?!

Jigglytuff · 12/01/2018 09:45

Drip, drip, drip ...

Viviennemary · 12/01/2018 09:45

People saying they owe OP nothing. So in return OP owes them nothing. They wouldn't get a present from me. Cf's I'd say. And I bet they'd be the type to send a crass poem.

NerrSnerr · 12/01/2018 09:46

How far away do you live? Last year we drove 3 hours and stayed in a hotel for an evening do. If you wanted to go you could.

You’ve taken it so personally I can see why you haven’t been invited to the whole thing.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/01/2018 09:46

What did your nephew say when you spoke to him about it OP?

weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 09:46

And to not tell the OP when the wedding was and that she wasn’t going to be invited seems deliberate

They told her both, on her invite!

Maybe its because auntie clearly hates the bride?

Original poster
mumwhite · 12/01/2018 09:47

I know there is more of the brides family going. She is the problem. My Nephew is a lovely guy and deserves so much better.

OP posts:
Jigglytuff · 12/01/2018 09:47

So you don't like the bride, you don't think your nephew should be marrying her and yet you're terribly hurt and upset you've not been invited to watch them take their vows?

I can't imagine why they wouldn't want you there Hmm

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