Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

The thing is if new GF would just get over herself she could be part of this lovely close-knit support network as well. The only person excluding her is herself.

Text sounds perfect.

Lovely close-knit families are very rarely equally lovely to all their members. The 'if you don't like it, lump it' attitude among some of the commenters speaks volumes.

The new partner clearly thinks differently, and if you think about it from their point of view, they may just have a point - there are enough commenters here to suggest that maybe they are not being spoiled, ungrateful, demanding, controlling, needy and so on but just requesting a bit of consideration.

A small example and a small thing you could easily do to create space: I would stop offering to do little jobs like picking up shopping. It may be easy for you to do, but it might not be an easy favour for her to repay for whatever reason (if she's less mobile, or less organised, or just finds that she can keep on top of her own shopping so doesn't really need the help so doesn't feel the need to be grateful). Someone with a 20-year-old daughter doesn't need childcare, unless they are planning to have more. And I would definitely stop walking the fluffy dogs. That is their job, and not your problem - and you've suggested they don't work long enough hours to be in much need of household help.

It can be utterly overwhelming to be showered with gifts, favours and friendship which was not requested or needed and then there's a sense of obligation, and that The Family is monitoring how grateful you are being, even if they are not, and being as altruistic and generous as you have described.

It's not you, it's her. She's having the same issues with your ex's ex-wife - it's not your problem, it's for your ex to sort.

Thing is, no one is entitled to demand an existing family (or friendship) group change to accept them/accommodate their wishes when those wishes conflict with everyone else's. It's not like a workplace, where people are legally required to adapt to different needs.
It's fine to say that this woman can like it or lump it. Those are her options. She can go wailing off to her friends, once dumped, about how unreasonable the family were in, you know, not seeing her as the centre of the universe just because she was shagging OP's XP, and her friends will sympathise with her, and then she'll move on and the family will happily move on and it won't matter.

'Is there any space for me?'

'There is of course because we're very warm and inclusive - but you really do have to prove you are One of Us and we're not sure how long that will take'

'I'll probably pass, thank you'.

This is just as likely as the assumptions of tantrum-throwing and stropping here. There is a lot of projection and pejorative language (whinging, etc); a rush to interpret some of the story members as victims and others as culprits; an implication that a year-long partner is not a real partner and may shortly be off.

In real life things are usually a little more complicated than good guy and bad guy. We know this when we are the ones painted as the bad guy and nobody knows the whole story.

Also, some friendship groups and families are more flexible and accommodating than others - it depends on their members and their informal rules and how they choose to behave, both individually, and collectively.

Your set up sounds perfect Snowy and it’s obviously worked for everyone for quite a while.

If the new gf were a young woman I couldn’t understand her insecurities but she’s not.

These are her issues she needs to work out. The whole family (which includes you and your dp and children) sound amazing.

The strong family values are entirely admirable - but things are not perfect; or, they are perfect for some but not all.

The former partner has a history of relationship breakdown which does complicate his life and that of his children, and appears unlikely to sustain his current serious relationship, which will cause disruption and heartbreak. While the extended family will carry on happily, there is sadness here too.

Let us know how the conversation goes today if you find out, Snowy.

But, but, but - all these points are fine, and well made, and yes interpersonal relationships (especially families!) are always more complicated than they seem, BUT the bottom line is this:

The breaking point is, I've been invited to his other sisiters birthday party. She has turned around and said, if I go, she won't.

Ex-sis in law has said, she wants me there and now doesn't want her because of what she's been like.

That's not on. You've got a fairly new partner coming into a family and basically trying to issue ultimatums about who comes to her partners sister's birthday?!!?!?!?!

Um.

No.

No matter what the ongoing dynamics are - you can't do that.

Well, you can't do that and expect said family to not end up having a BIG problem with you.

When one new person wants to introduce a lot of changes into a happy group that's doing just fine, it's perfectly reasonable for the rest of the group not to co-operate and wait for the person to fuck off.

OP has said that her XP's other XPs have been happy with the arrangements and, themselves, absorbed into the family after splitting up with the XP. Maybe the XP isn't into longterm relationships. This is not a fault or a failing, in the least - he's clearly good at maintaining friendships with XPs and being involved in his children's lives, which are much more important than having a long-lived couple-relationship.

The GF is basically not compatible with the family. So she needs to either wind her neck in or move on. Why should they indulge her at the expense of other members of the group?

Her primary relationship is with her partner, not 'the family'. It would be quite nice and arguably helpful if they could find a creative way to incorporate new members for who they are, rather than who they judge would fit in best with how things are working swimmingly already for themselves. Strong and capable people make small adjustments all the time without recourse to frantic 'you'll never guess what she's said now' texting. It looks here as if the extended family (or at least a small number of its members) are defensive and nervous about change. This looks like a scapegoating phenomenon, which does happen in small communities of all sorts.

The other exes might have all been entirely delighted with how things were, but somehow have all left the relationship.

I think this large, warm, lovely family is collectively realising what a ghastly, controlling, spiteful cunt the bloke has hooked up with, and they are going to put her in her place. Which will be good.

A tad OTT perhaps...

Well I've found out, beware this is another war and peace (length wise I mean)

Just to say straight away, ex big sis met with her and and told her she would be telling me the conversation, so she knew straight off where she stood. To be honest it all seems a little meh to me, but here goes:-

• I get a text asking about 'the group conversation between me, exdp and ex wife, that she's partially read, where we made fun of her for 'being at home all day'.- The text was exwife asking if the children could be picked up in the morning as they had inset, and she couldn't get a childminder. Exdp had a meeting so they asked me. The 'being at home all day' was in reference to me- because I'm unable to work at the moment (awaiting surgery but that's irrelevant), so I'm at home all day, but she assumed it was about her (plus she works so I don't know why she thought it was about her?). I forwarded the text to gf this morn so she could read it again and see it wasn't about her.

• when I got rushed into hospital last year, exdp dropped what he and her were doing to come straight to me- as sis pointed out, it wasn't to me, it was for ds who had come in the ambulance with me, was 16, and they wouldn't tell him what was going on until my dp arrived. So ex arrived and was only there 15mins before my dp arrived. (They thought I was having an eptopic pregnancy)
• the grandad issue- turns out he told her she was the most 'beautiful girl in the world' and sis 'the most intelligent of his grandchildren and had her brains from him (she's adopted...) we all had a compliment
• when we all get together we talk about things she doesn't understand like politics, documentaries and 'stuff'- ummm not sure what to do on that one!
• she doesn't like that I hold a spare key to the house- I have one incase ds loses his
• she doesn't go to ex big sis' when she is invited, as her friends are also my friends- sis pointed out, that they would be her friends too if she came
• she was annoyed that everyone except her mum received a present off me on Xmas day- I have never met the lady before!, and I didn't know she would be there......
• I use a certain word for a particular object, that is 'their' family's quirk so I should stop it- ex sis pointed out that it's actually my family's terminology, and I used it with ds and they picked it up
• why do I have to take his parents to hospital appointments and therefore find out before her, as family, what's wrong health wise- because everyone's in work, and she doesn't drive
• she's noticed I've not gone to some gatherings, but the family always asks where I am, and it makes her uncomfortable knowing that I'm not there because of her- so I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
• she 'appreciates' that I'm not gong to the meal, but wants me to go now, because it has upset little ex sis- again damned if I do and damned I do don't
• she's pissed off that before, yes before, she got together with exdp,, I stayed a night at his house- it snowed, me both ex sisisters and three friends had been out, the snow came down, and we could not get a taxi. We walked to his house and all slept there. Me and both sis' kicked him out of his super king, and slept in there together, my son was in the other room, three girls took the other beds, and he slept on the sofa. I promise there was no hanky panky going on!
• she feels uncomfortable that me and his exwife speak- well we became friends, his divorce was amicable, I pick up her children for her when they are stuck. Am I supposed to just say no now? When they helped me over the years in situations?
• she assumes that I think she is below me because she doesn't have A-Levels, a degree etc, and I do- up until now I had no idea what her educational background was to look down on her, plus I'm on benefits at the moment, so how can I talk? She's the one with a job!

That's basically the main ones, some others but are not worth writing down.
Ex sis in law did say that I wasn't a threat and if anything was going to happen between us, it would have happened long ago. That if she keeps on with her demands she is going to start alienating the family. She explained that little sis was upset, and it put her in a horrible situation because of her relationship with me and trying to build a relationship with her, giving an ultimatum was not the way to go.

She told her that their parents really liked her. That they were including her in everything, and that she has to start making the effort with people, if she also wants a close relationship. She has built a really good relationship with the children and everyone appreciates that.

She (sis) pointed out that she should think about my dp when she is saying stuff, how must he feel to hear her making comments and behaving in the way she does. That she should take a leaf out of his book (I think she said it more diplomatic than that)

This is probably irrelevant, but she is in her 40's. So we aren't talking about a twenty-something.

So there it is. Come on vipers do your best!!

She has issues. Your xsil is right, she will damage nothing but her own relationships if she carried on like this.

Your xsis is great!

She’s probably getting advice from the relationship board, she actually sounds quite strange

Only one person has an issue with the family dynamics UserLongNumber. So why should everyone else change how they have happily done things for years, for her?

Hopefully she can see now that there really is no issue and she can get along with everyone and allow everyone else to continue.

Yes it does sound like a strange set up but life would be so much better if all break ups were handled that way and people could get on and help one another out.

Enjoy the party

Wow she sounds like a complete control freak. Can you imagine having a discussion with your partners sister where you bring all those points up and be offended at them?! And then to say that she doesn't mind if you come to the meal now 😮

OP I don't know about anything else but I'd be giving her a (polite) wide berth. I can't imagine the relationship will last so don't endanger your other relationships in order to pacify this person. She really does sound completely controlling and pushy.

I'm at that that stage now where, I'm just meh. I feel like no matter what I do, she's picking a fault with it.

I will say, that ex sis is very diplomatic, so she would have put things way nicer than how some of my post come across. She also suggested she speaks to her dp about these things, rather than holding them in and getting mountains out of mole hills. She asked her why she hadn't, and she said she was worried that it would annoy him and push him away. Sis then pointed out that this behaviour would be the cause of that not her asking for reassurance. She also asked, why she didn't trust him- checking his phone, staying longer at his exwife's, coming to the hospital when I was there (and other stuff), and she didn't have an answer it was shrug the shoulders and 'I don't know'.

Like I said I do like her, I have no reason not too, and the main thing is she's good with the kids, and that's the main thing. She was told that if she wanted to talk to me one on one, just to call, but I don't know how likely that is, and really what would be expected?

Maybe you should just ignore her then? Keep your pleasantries to a minimum and then forget the rest.

She really does sound like a spoilt child. She must be fabulous in bed for your XP not to be tired of her already.
Don't fret about it any more. Do what you want to do, be civil to her but don't go out of your way to pander to her.
If XP really wanted to 'build a proper relationship of his own' with this crybaby twat, then it would be up to him to do so. As it is, he'll probably give her her marching orders soon enough.

Really at this point, I'd just leave it to your ex to sort out, none of this is your problem and from reading her issues, there is nothing you can do other than just stopping all contact with your ex and his family to make her happy and why on earth would you do that?

Given the expanded scenario I would say she’s very lucky to have found such a great circle of people and will have to either join in and be part of it or just walk away and move on. Not your problem- don’t waste any more of your time thinking about it