Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

Lovely333

Just to point out regarding Christmas dinner, ds was with me, so by us going down meant that he got to be with ds throughout the day, rather than just Christmas evening. His other dc were with their mum this Christmas.

Dear OP,

Never never cater to sulky, rude, childish behaviour. They will only continue to use this tactic once they see that it is successful (and probably have form for this kind of behaviour, no one just suddenly starts acting this way).

I'm a bit astonished at some of the replies on here. Were a man pulling this and demanding ultimatums, the behaviour would be viewed as controlling and manipulative, which is exactly what it is!

Some seem to forget that the GF is a grown woman with a grown up daughter. Guess what... the daughter is watching her mother's behaviour and may assume that this is how we get what we want. Is that how we wish the next generation to deal with getting their own way? No thanks!

Enjoy your family and all their get togethers OP, you sound like a lovely bunch!

captainjackandjill thank you

Regarding 'handovers' and why we have them. Ds has not passed his test yet (almost there), so obviously we drive him back and forth. We always go in when he's dropped off to hi, deal with anything such as 'have you read his personal statement for uni yet?', 'are you able to pick him up from x next week?', 'did he tell you his shift changed Friday?', 'couldn't do me a favour I'm off out next Saturday any chance you or dp could pick me/us/the boys up?', 'Did dsis-in-law ask if you could pick up the kids on Monday?', 'im working late next Friday, could you pick up my kids by any chance?'

Gives you an idea of our 'handover'. We deal with anything that comes up and to clarify things. 99.9% of the time gf is there with us taking part in the conversation, so we aren't on our own!

If I were you I'd be backing away. Don't you spend time with your DP's family and forge a life away from your ExDP?

It sounds like you are totally overinvested in their relationship trying to be the perfect ex, when in actual fact you're meddling beyond belief. It won't kill you not to go to a party would it? You could have your own separate outing with the sister, and let her have a chance to forge relationships with her DP's family without you watching over it.

Reading it, you're overinvolved in this family and need to back away and concentrate on your own. I'm surprised you have your own family unit considering how involved you are with your ex's lives. I've never heard anything like it before.

All in all very strange and you need to give them time alone and a chance to have this relationship without your shadow hanging over everything. I'd feel the same as her and want you to not to be there so that it was my turn to be with my DP without their family making me feel like shit and a poor comparison to you.

Finally, you genuinely sound like you love the drama and love his family prefer you. I don't know how your DP copes with it.

I have my 'solid family' with dp's family- sisters, brothers,parent in laws.

Exdp and gf, have been
to parties thrown them (twice). Exdp and his ex wife used to attend, and he when he was single. He's even had Sunday lunch at my dp's parents home on at least 5 occasions, 3 of those with his children also there (they come to pick up ds and end up staying for lunch- she does make a good Sunday dinner).

I honestly didn't realise how 'weird' our set up was. It's worked for all of us with no problems for almost 20 years.

Also this...

[B]Regarding 'handovers' and why we have them. Ds has not passed his test yet (almost there), so obviously we drive him back and forth. We always go in when he's dropped off to hi, deal with anything such as 'have you read his personal statement for uni yet?', 'are you able to pick him up from x next week?', 'did he tell you his shift changed Friday?', 'couldn't do me a favour I'm off out next Saturday any chance you or dp could pick me/us/the boys up?', 'Did dsis-in-law ask if you could pick up the kids on Monday?', 'im working late next Friday, could you pick up my kids by any chance?'[/b]

Why do you do these handovers? Why not just text? You don't need to walk in everytime these conversations need to happen!

I'm guessing they will stop when he passes his test, so why do you feel like you need to do it now? He's 18 FGS!

I think anyone could accept your relationship with the family and your ex, but it's the extent and amount of contact you have with them that looks like the problem.

I'd bet anything that if you weren't there doing 'handovers' and with them every week what looks like no stop she wouldn't have a problem with you attending family parties. The contact with them is constant. So why not just scale it back and stick to texting during the week and attending the important parties.

Could you imagine having a new partner and going to meet his family, his ex being there and then an old bloke basically saying the ex is better looking? Anyone would be upset by that.

Go to the party, carry on as normal....their relationship will not last long.

Honestly, go to the party, ignore the whiny bitch. She is the one with the problem, and if she can't get the fuck over herself, she'll be dumped and it will serve her right.

Some people think that a couple-relationship should always take priority over every other relationship in a person's life. Those people are losers who should stick to dating people as inadequate as they are. It would be a big mistake to let this attention-seeking, self-obsessed woman cause arguments and disruption to a happy, longstanding, inclusive family set up. You can't 'include' someone who is determined to exclude or replace other people.

I personally think you should go to the party! These are your family and she should accept that! Don’t change your lifestyle for her x

Snowysky, thank you for replying. I see the issue.

If you like her though (do your really?) and she behaves well enough to you, have you tried speaking to her one to one to find out what the issues are? Are they really with you or is it the family's interaction with you? Have you tried to speak to her on her own and make your case a bit/stand your ground whilst making it clear that you have your defined place in this set up - and she is going to have her own too?

What does your ex say about this? I can't see in your posts where he's actually doing/saying much about it, just being very passive.

One thing that did make me gasp a bit about your posts was the detail. The amount of chat that you have with these people and they with you. It's like all the dirty washing is out, everything up for discussion and everybody knows everything. That is something that I couldn't cope with one bit myself so I don't envy the girlfriend one bit. Perhaps she's a little bit the same, but at the same time doesn't like the feelings of exclusion?

You sound very chatty so I'm sure you'd be able to get it out of her, get to the bottom of whatever this is. If she has a nice relationship with your son then it's in your best interests to do that.

For now though, I agree with BlueNeighbourhood about the handovers (from your post). I think, with things as fraught as they are, it wouldn't hurt to just not go in when you drop your son off/pick him up. It would be very easy to just say to son, "Ok, give my love to everybody, I'm off to the gym/hairdresser/shopping". Not all the time, but some of the time. It wouldn't be a bad thing for your ex's family to see you out and about doing stuff and not at their beck and call either.

Perhaps I am imagining myself in your role too much because I would feel hemmed in and tethered by this level of smothering from an ex's family. I accept that it's not the same for everybody though. It just feels as though it's almost like a co-dependent thing going on where nobody can cope with change - neither you nor them.

BlueNeighbourhood1 his family does not prefer me. I'm not seen as the ex, I'm seen as ds's mum. exMIL has told me we should have never got together as we weren't right, so how is that preferring me? I'm just seen as a member of the family. Along with that comes my dp and ds. They would babysit for ds (until he got to old), my dp would go their and pick up ds, depending on which how it was. Ds2 has sleepovers at little ex sis' home (she has no children so loves playing the 'crazy aunt' role).

Yes my ds2 calls exdp's family aunt, uncle, grandad and grandma. Like wise my ds1 calls my dp's family grancha, nana, aunty's and uncle.

I just never realised how much of an issue this was. All I wanted was some advice on do I go to the party or not, knowing there was repercussions either way.

No I don't like the drama.

Hence I asked for advice. If I like drama I would carry on going to every gathering and I wouldn't give a shit about her feelings.

But I do care about her feelings, but I also care about everyone else's feelings. I care that if I don't little ex sis will be pissed off with me for not standing my ground so to speak but will then be pissed off with gf for making that happen. On the other hand, I go and she doesn't. So she's pissed off and God only knows what arguments that will cause.

I'm sorry I get on with my ex. I apologise for getting on with his family. I'm sorry for trying to take a step back which is obviously not big enough for a lot of you. I apologise for being best friends with my ex's sister.

And to top it off I've just received a text from little sis to say. (Basically not the full text), 'if you don't come because of her, I won't speak to her again' (before anyone shouts remember she is early 20's, and I've been there since she was 7, I used to look after her, she used to come and sleep in my bed when I slept down and I also helped her learn to drive). She is like a little sister to me.

Not that it makes any difference to me and it shouldn't but exdp, his two sisters and brother are all adopted. I don't know if that comes into play, with regards to me being so close to them all.

Blue, that's on the granddad though. He was rude - even at 103. No need for it but some people just like to cause a bit of trouble.

Oh yes, you asked if you should go to the party. Sitting on the fence here but I just KNOW that I would have D&V - bad! That's what I would do... but I'm guessing that you're going to go and perhaps that's what you should do.

"But if I was in her position I think I would feel put out, always seeing an ex there."

You are barely an ex at this point. There is history and then there is ancient history. Why is she defining you on the fact that two decades ago you went out with her boyfriend. It's pathetic tbh. She needs to sort herself out or she'll be dumped when the rest of his family hate her. I would not refuse to go to a friend's birthday (your ex sil) because of this woman.

That text though from 'little sis', she doesn't get to do that, not if she doesn't want to actively cause a ruck between herself and her brother - and the whole damn family!

If you're her best mate then put her straight because this isn't about her but could have some very big repercussions that she won't like. I know she's 20 but that's an adult.

I don't know if the adopted family members feature much with you - do you have a particular relationship with them? Is it as strong? Not that it's relevant really, they're all part of this Dynasty.

I would just never ruin my family and friendships because of one person who has only been on the scene for a year and could be gone next year.

That text though from 'little sis', she doesn't get to do that, not if she doesn't want to actively cause a ruck between herself and her brother - and the whole damn family!

Why can't she though? Her brother's girlfriend is an arse and she is actively trying to destroy one of her friendships. Reason enough to stop talking to her. If she posted herself on MN she'd be told the grf was "toxic" and to go nc

The fact you've posted about her having an issue with his other ex as well says that she and he aren't suited imo.

it's clearly not just about you so you shouldn't change your ways. She'll either have to adapt to his ways, they'll have to find a compromise or (most likely) it'll be the breaking point.

You feel bad for her and that's kind, but this isn't your problem. Different if your ex and his family were saying "look, you need to back off", but they're not.

Purely out of interest do YOU think he has feelings for you?

I dont think there would be a ruck though lyingwitch her ex doesnt sound like he really cares as he was trying to persuade op to go before.

BobsyourAunt, girlfriend isn't trying to 'destroy relationships' though is she? It's not ok for sister to start causing trouble in her brother's relationship for the sake of a party?

Lovely333, you could be right. This thread is SO confusing and nothing that I've experienced anywhere before. The more I think I understand what's going on, the less I realise I do!

If I were the OP I'd be changing my name and emigrating

I say go to the party, clearly the set-up is comfortable to all involved (except the new gf) and has been without issue for decades.

Let ex sort it out with his new gf, I’d normally suggest going to her direct and settling her concerns but as you say that’d mean she’d know this had been fed back to you and cause more agro. Don’t waste your time placating her, reassuring her you’re not interested in him etc. just be totally normal, polite, nice and accepting of her. It is not your issue she has a problem with your presence, especially as has been pointed out previously she knew the situation up front. From sounds of it you’ve been split up for over a decade and have a new partner. You share a child, you’ll always be ‘connected’ to your ex and it just so happens you’ve managed to remain close to him and his extended family and move successfully from ex to platonic friends - few manage it. It’s unusual but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

If my hubby had an ex who he shared a child with and it was clear it was platonic, she’d moved on and was still friends with his extended family of course it would be intimidating but time and exposure to the situation should prove I had nothing to worry about.

If anything mention to the ex to stop relaying info about her as it’s turning it from a ‘her and him’ issue into a ‘her, him, you, extended family saga’!

Having read OP's updates I think her ex's family have kind of "adopted" her too. All makes more sense to me now.

Go to the party, she made the decision to enter into the relationship knowing what the dynamic was and cannot demand that this is changed now she has her feet under the table.