Ex dp's family and his new gf problem

[Snowysky20009]

For background, me and exdp split up about 17 years ago. We had ds1 who's now 18. I have an excellent relationship with his family.

I see his dm and dd weekly, his ds is like my best friend, I pick up her dc from school and babysit frequently. We go out every few weeks, and I go over for drinks.
I'm in contact with them all via text, even if it's just a 'how are are you?' type message. I have another son from my relationship with dp, and they would pick him up from school, babysit him. My dp would go to exdp to pick up with or both of the boys and so on.

So as you can see, we have an excellent relationship, dp and exdp get on really well, we have birthday parties together, are invited to all family gatherings and so on.

Anyway dp met a lady and they've now been living together about a year. All good, she's nice, but more importantly she's good with my son. Washes his clothes, irons them, cooks him food and so on. So I can't ask for more than that.

When they got together, exdp told her how close I was to the family, and said don't be worried about it, there is nothing between us and that we are way over. At first she was like 'that's great to be like that', 'I wish I was able to have that with my ex' and so on.

Anyway forward a year, and she seems to be getting really irritated by it. Now I will be clear, I don't attend all invites, because as I've told the family, I don't want her to think I'm always 'there'. To give ger some breathing space within the family.
I was invited down

People are far too obsessed with the notion that ex’s should all fall out and distance themselves from everyone who was once part of the equation for fear it might upset some little snowflake.

The OP was with this man seventeen years ago. For God’s sake he’s had another wife and child since he was with her and people say she’s over invested. What rubbish. If she hadn’t been a dim and distant ex and merely a close family friend nobody would be advocating that she should take a step back and distance herself from the family, so why in God’s name should she do so now just because some woman who’s only been on the scene a year and who comes after a series of other ex’s is throwing her toys out of the pram?

I would ignore the stupid woman and go to the party. You say they’re like family to you and essentially you’re a family friend. The fact you were an ex a long time ago is entirely irrelevant and the name calling and bitter posts on this thread are pure projection on the part of others.

With regards to the party you should go. It is not her party she doesn't get to dictate. Within the family dynamic you have described it doesn't sound like her behaviour will go down well and they will see this has nothing do to with you. I would imagine she is behaving like this either because she is insecure or maybe she has others in her ear telling her it isn't a "normal" dynamic. But either way it doesn't really matter.

Chaos do you include yourself projecting only you just name called too

Snowy, I come from a blended family like yours (I am one of the dc).

There is nothing 'weird' about it. It is the only normal way for adults who understand that the fact that two people are not suited to a monogamous partnership/marriage with each other does not invalidate all the other relationships they have developed with everyone else in the family group, and that those relationships should not be changed forever because one of the relationships has.

If she cannot see this, perhaps she is not suited to being around people like that.

Whichever it is, it is not your problem and you should not make it yours. You should do what you would have done if she wasn't there.

I was referring to the GF as a snowflake. Which she is. Actually she’s worse than that...

But can you imagine the alternative?

“I’ve been together with my dp for a year. Over this time I’ve learned that he and his family have a family friend whose been around for years and she goes to a lot of family events. Personally I think it’s way too much as she’s not family. Anyway, DP has been invited to a party and I’ve said that if she’s going to be there then I refuse to go. Aibu?”

From this perspective all the OP is is a family friend. The partner has had another wife and children since he was with her, she’s had another dh and child since then. They all get on well and she is friends with the family in her own right.

That is all that counts. The gf has absolutely no right to start making demands in the way she is.

Hmmm

You know the classic mumsnet phrase about having a DH problem? Well I think she’s got one.

OP I can understand why you’re keen to see her as the problem but I think you’re giving your exP far too much credit.

It doesn’t take ten seconds to text and let your partner know you’re going to be late because you’re helping out with some diy. That’s just common courtesy.

I’d be livid if my DH was sending texts about me like the ones you’ve shared here. And I certainly don’t write about him in that way. If we have an issue we discuss it, or fight about it, and then come to some kind of agreed plan about it. But outside the house we have each other’s backs.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you being her dp’s ex is a red herring. I don’t think you like her OP, quite aside from the recent behavior, and I’m guessing that she doesn’t like you either. The fact that you’re an ex rather than a sil has complicated everything, but I don’t believe her feelings towards you are because you’re his ex; her manner of dealing with the tension between you is probably rooted in the mistake belief that you’re not “really family” when to all intents and purposes you really are.

I think you should tell your exP’s sisters to grow up and cop on, and if necessary ask their mum to have a word too.

But really, take a long hard look at your relationship with this woman. Your dislike of her is leaking from every post. I get that you’re trying OP but sometimes open enmity where you can at least agree to disagree is easier than passive aggressive undercurrents.

These are your family too. They all love you and you love them. Their relationship with you is very deep and its very beautiful.

Clearly it must be intimating for the new gf and we are seeing behaviour that indicates insecurity and jealousy.

And you know what (and probably she knows) - she will never have that love and trust with the family that you do. Ever..because its built on years of being there for each other.

What she does have though, which is different from you, is the affection of your dexp. Can she be secure enough to accept that is enough?

The more she is annoyed with you the worse it will be for her in terms of being accepted by the family.

My overwhelming thought is she needs to get over her ego and accept the situation and try to find ways to connect with you, as this is a situation she came into. BUT you can't make her come to that realisation.

I come from a big family and I can relate to this set up OP. I don't find it weird or anything. Actually I love that my parents have always included all newcomers into the family, and yes at times it gets confusing for others because on the outside it seems chaotic but tbh the only thing that matters is that it works for everyone in the family.
We never had a situation like yours so I don't know what we would have done if a new GF or BF had been upset. But then again we all somehow made sure that all new partners knew the setup before hand so they knew what they were becoming part of. And it seems to me that your ex has done this so the only thing I can think of is maybe his gf thought she could handle it but once she actually experienced it it all became too much for her.
Now it's up to your ex to decide. I know you've all been ok with this setup for years but if he asks all of you to take her feelings into consideration then you must. It's really between him and his gf.
I would go to the party though because I wouldn't want to miss a family member's bday party.

Chaos she isnt a family friend shes his ex albiet from yonks ago, But still an ex, I dont believe that is the true problem here,
And the more I read the more I see he is handling the situation completly wrong dragging everyone into his crap.

I DO think op should go, But I DON'T think she should talk about exs partner at all and make it clear to everyone else she isnt interested in hearing people slagging her off and thats including her ex partner.
They will split up its inevitable but staying clear from the circus will hopefully dampen down all drama.

I think you should go to the party. This is her problem, not yours. This has been a comfortable situation for 18 years for all of you and evidently has not been an issue in the past. In fact, I think its great!
Coming from a broken family- i think its lovely. Well done to all of you for maintaining that for DS.

Also agree with other PP- just remain very low drama. If someone starts bitching- tell them you are not interested. You are there for your friend, and thats all.

Just to say, I do actually like her!

She is pleasant, has a nice personality, I had a good laugh with her at my dp's family party, she's good to my son and his siblings (which is what means the most to me), she has a job and her daughter from what I've met of her is lovely, and gets on well with my son.

I'm wondering if it's the small things: my car went in the garage last summer. So he put me on his license and leant me his car for a week (he has a company car too).
Or he picked up a parcel for me one night after work as I'd missed the delivery an they took it to the depot. So that was an extra 30 odd miles on his journey.

But then I do stuff like popping in to walk their (very large and fluffy) dog when her and dd is in work, or picking up bits of shopping on my way past if they need something and I'm picking up ds.

ChaosNeverRains you are right I am a family friend, not an ex

Yes I do chat/talk to much- it's my skill!!!! Lol

Taking about texting, we all used to text, we had a whatsapp group. So I said I would go off it and she come on, because I didn't want her to be irrigaed by it. But that meant now things are done via text. She had a wobble about a year ago, she wanted to read his texts, started reading when she thought he was sleeping and so on. Exdp wasn't bothered has he had nothing to hide, but she thought he did. So we stopped texting and went back to whatsapp where I was added again. (She still looks though according to ds)

I feel like I want to do a poll:- those in favour and those not.

I’d go to the party. The little sis has every right to invite who she wants to her party.

And I agree the gf has a DP problem. Your ex DP should have explained you as a family member from age 11 and therefore you have sibling like status in his family. He should also be saying to you to not attend some of the events on occasion eg Christmas, you could’ve visited for half a hour for a drink. And he should be able to text her to say where he is and why he’s running late if he’s at exW’s House. Instead he went for like it or lump it and that just got her back up. So gf is now setting ultimatums and that’s got everyone’s back up. The ex DP is definitely getting it all wrong! (Not to say that gf isn’t coming across very well, but think it’s being handled wrongly.)

I'm in agreement with Chaos.She/he has saved me a lot of typing. Go to the party.

Well here's an update:-

Sent the following text to little ex sis (birthday girl) after reading all of your advice:-

Hi X, I've been thinking about your b'day and the situation with gf. I've decide not to come for the meal but will meet you for drinks in X afterwards. Please don't get annoyed with gf and take it out on her after what she said. It will be good for you all to have some time together when I'm not about, be nice. Anyway I'll be catching up with you later so won't miss much. In all honesty I'm skint after Xmas anyway, so it will save me £40! Love you loads Snowysky'

Then she replied 'I'm not happy!! But if that's what you want to do. I'll try and be nice (emoji) love you loads

So I thought things were settled.

Then ex big sis text me to say, little sis had forwarded the text from me. So she text gf to say she needed to see her tomorrow could she pop up for coffee in the morning, or she would pop to hers.

I asked why, and she just said things needed to be said and sorted out.

I replied, don't have a go at her etc, and she said she wasn't, but things needed to be clarified. She is also going to speak to exdp, when he comes home from work tomorrow.

So as far as I'm concerned the 'party issue' has now been sorted (I believe). I think it's just amplified a bigger problem that non of us realised was there.

Thank you all for your advice, I appreciate the differing opinions and perspectives from both sides. It has given me a lot to think about.

Fingers crossed that the conversation goes well tomorrow!

I would love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation - I really don't think you are the problem Snowy.

Wow - a truly grown up, adult group! The new girlfriend needs to get over herself as she's the only one with the problem, if she pushes you guys out she'll end up with a resentful situation

These people are clearly your family and protective over you too as you grew up around them too - the relationship is really strong and she's no right trying to railroad you out

Go to the party - you don't want your ex back, these are your social group as well as family - don't miss out just to please her

Gosh all a bit claustrophobic to me.
I would say the GF was jealous as she hasn't a hope of matching up to being the perfect DIL which you probably seem to her to be.

DP would have been better having the talk with her I would think. And if she comes from a less 'integrated' family than your in laws she is possibly a bit GaaaaH! at the close socialising with everyone.

I think this large, warm, lovely family is collectively realising what a ghastly, controlling, spiteful cunt the bloke has hooked up with, and they are going to put her in her place. Which will be good.

It's a known red flag for abusive tendencies when a new partner starts trying to disrupt longstanding relationships and creating drama with themselves at the centre of it. All the 'if you really loved me you would see less of [friend]' and checking text messages and making demands.

Then she replied 'I'm not happy!! But if that's what you want to do. I'll try and be nice (emoji) love you loads

Jeeese This family sounds so bloody petty and childish. GF needs to do herself a favour and do one.

OP it's a shame that you've decided to miss out on the meal because of ex'sGF but I think it does show that you respect and care about her feelings (I would still be going though if it were me).
There will definitely be some fall-out today between ex big SIL and her. She's a silly woman, cutting her nose of.....

Just want to say I agree 100% with captainjackandjill & ReanimatedSGB.

It sounds like a very supportive adult arrangement which has probably been great for your son.

I'm astounded at all these 'You need to step back', 'You're loving the drama' posts. Ffs, bizarre! As if you're all living in a romance novel.

She sounds very controlling if she's been checking his phone too. Now she wants to disrupt relationships because of her own controlling, jealous feelings. Selfish.

My exdh's gf is you and I am now also you OP

Met Exdh when his sons were 13 yo. He and their mum split before they knew she was pregnant.
The whole family spend time together for parties and events.
Julie (not real name) is the boys mum and part of the family so was included as such. I was nervous about coming in to the family but there was enough room for all.

Over the years myself and Julie became good friends. She is fantastic with our 4 dc and has helped and supported us and vice versa.
After 14 yrs we divorced but I am still included in his family. Exdh makes jokes that his ex wife and exgf are loved by his family more than he is

This year my DSS is getting married. Myself and my new DP are invited.

So there will be my exdh his exgf ( the mum) me and my new DP plus edh's newish gf all celebrating together.

This may seem unusual to others but for us we are grown ups and we behave as such. All 6 DC have been the priority and it was clear early on that everyone being friends made life better for all those adults involved in the childrens lives as well as the children.

OP I would let your ex deal with his gf.
You are part of the family and they get to choose who they want included in that not her.

You are not the problem here.

It's not even just you - clearly she has issues with your ex's ex wife too.

To be blunt, I would say that your ex and this woman won't last, and it will be quite simply because he is going to conclude that she isn't worth him having to completely undo the family set-up that's worked for everyone else, INCLUDING other new partners, for 17 years.

This is not about exes. This is about, for example, your ex's sisters being told they can no longer be friends in the same way with someone they've CHOSEN as a close friend and de facto family member, in case it upsets their brother's fairly new partner. Sounds like your ex's older sister is going to tell this woman straight exactly where to get off. That's up to her. I'd be furious if I were either of these sisters.

If you and your ex didn't have your DS together then kind of fair enough.

If you'd been together years and only split a few years ago then kind of fair enough.

If you didn't have a new partner and were clearly very settled, and your partner was perhaps also outside of the family group then kind of fair enough.

But if all the relationships are as you have portrayed them then this woman is simply out of order and I reckon she is going to get dropped for it. Because clearly no-one in the family wants this kind of hassle.

So I would not do anything different, I would certainly not start breaking my own family bonds for the sake of a virtual stranger who really looks as if she could end up being ancient history this time next year.

OP I think your text was perfect. Any fallout is everyone else's business to own - you can sit back knowing you've done the right thing.